I had just recently cheated on my boyfriend and I know that if I tell him about it he will break up with me. I don't want that to happen so should I just keep quiet or come clean?

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• So every urge you have, just say god gave you that urge and it's okay? What a crock.

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  by Penny The Wise on June 4th, 2007

• Okay, so God didn't give me that urge. But it isn't one that needs to be suppressed. Like stealing cars, or forcing people to think the way that I do...

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  by centrator on June 4th, 2007

• Sex with your wife shouldn't be supressed. Sex with someone other than your wife behind her back- that should. You promised her you would only sleep with her, and to go behind her back and break her heart is disgusting. If she did it to you, it would be disgusting too. I just can't wrap my brain around all the excuses people come up with to do stupid, bullshit things.

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  by Penny The Wise on June 5th, 2007

• Please explain to a very naive man why "faithfulness" is so important. What is so great about fidelity? Why is lack of fidelity considered by so many people to be a "crime."

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  by Stronghart on June 5th, 2007

• I'll take my relationship for example. I entered this relationship having a conversation that we would be only sleeping with each other, unless we both agreed upon having another join us in bed. It had to be mutually agreed upon and both of us comfortable with all of it. That was our understanding and our promise to each other. That requires trust. Now if either one of us snuck out, and cheated, behind our back- that would be a breach of trust. It would break my heart that he felt that 1, there were problems he couldn't talk to me about, and 2, that I wasn't good enough for him, and 3, that he would lie to me like that.
  I am not saying that everyone should only have one partner ever. There are many gray areas- Threesomes (That are agreed upon by BOTH parties), people who DON'T commit, and date around- Monagomy is not for everyone. But if someone PROMISES me monogamy- I take offense to that. It's the same if not worse than lieing about anything else. Its disrespectful IMO.

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  by Penny The Wise on June 5th, 2007

• The difference between a threesome and cheating- is that one is agreed upon, it's not done sneakily and behind someone's back, betraying their trust. And the other is. It's breaking someone's heart for the sheer fact that someone couldn't own up to their mistakes, or talk about problems. If they didn't want to be in a monogamus relationship- it should have been stated in the first place, not promised otherwise. THAT'S where my problem lies. If you tell me you want to NOT settle down, and just date, and date other people and not be tied down, that's great. Do what you want to do. Just don't hurt someone else becaue you couldn't be honest with yourself and the other person.

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  by Penny The Wise on June 5th, 2007

• So, then is your recommendation that the questioner should "own up?" risking the destruction of an otherwise good relationship? That would be foolish, to say the least.

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  by centrator on June 5th, 2007

• An otherwise good relationship? They cheated, it can't be THAT good!

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  by Penny The Wise on June 5th, 2007

• I guess that some people can be satisified with the one partner, and that their love for that partner just grows and grows, and that they each remain content knowing that that they have limited their life on earth to just one wonderful, all encompassing person, and a life range similarly cordened off from the rest of the world.
  
  I guess we're all alike anyway, so what is there to experience, to learn?

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  by Stronghart on June 6th, 2007

• Some, Most can be satisfied with only one partner. That's what marriage and marriage vows are SUPPOSED to stand for. But I'm not really sure what your point is. If you are someone who wants to spend their life with 1 (one) person, then you should. But if you don't, I don't think you should lie and say you want to settle down if you don't. Stronghart, you obviously are one who doesn't want to settle down with only 1. That's okay, as long as you are up front about it and don't lie saying you want to settle down only to break someone's heart. Are you seeing my point? Am I making my point clear? I'm not trying to be condescending, I'm actually curious.

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  by Penny The Wise on June 6th, 2007

• Stronghart -- if you really meant that question seriously, the lack of fidelity is considered a crime of sorts because when someone is in a monogamous relationship, they generally want to be THE one person that their partner loves and/or have sex with (whether those two are confused or not). If your point is that monogamous relationships are bad (maybe I'm wrong, but it seems to be that), I disagree -- but I have also been in an open relationship and I don't think that's a bad thing either, as long as you trust your partner to love you and understand the difference between sex and love, and so on. The thing about open relationships though, both partners /agree/ on having sex with other people and know about eachothers' sex lives, at least to that extent. But as far as cheating goes, it's betraying your partner's trust, IMO.

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  by Indigo- in the library with the revolver on June 3rd, 2008

• Indigo, Stronghart didn't ask the question, he only answered it.

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  by Penny The Wise on June 3rd, 2008

• Let me break it down, one more time. If you SAY you are going to be with only one person, but then go around and sleep with others, that's lying. Period. THAT is my problem. BUT, if you are OPEN AND HONEST about not wanting to settle down, and keep multiple partners, then I have no problem. I have a problem with the LYING and the betrayal. Does that make sense now? I'm not saying everyone has to only have one partner, I'm saying it needs to be said, not lied about.

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  by Penny The Wise on June 3rd, 2008

• Lying is usually, but not always, a sign of an inferior relationship, and, for that matter, a sign of an inferior person. One doesn't have to lie. Marriage is very important for reasons other than fidelity, such as raising a family, growing old with one whom you love, as well as the usual financial reasons. But fidelity does not have to be a part of it.
  Recently someone on AB pointed out the changes in life expectancy. When your great-grandmother signed on for a lifetime with your great-grandfather she expected to spend twenty years at most with him. That isn't the case anymore. One must have outside relationships, like lovers or mistresses, if one is live a full life.
  -
  At least we agree that lying is not good. And, by the way, I wouldn't trade my husband for anyone. But a good part of my later life with him, has been to know other men...And, what's good for the gander is okay for the goose.

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  by BrendaStronghart on June 3rd, 2008

• That's fine if you both agree on it. Why is that such a hard thing for people to understand??!?!?!?!?!? If in your marriage/relationship you both AGREE that it's okay, then it's okay!!!! If one or the other or both don't agree and feel it should be just one and only, then that's another story.
  F*ck whoever you want, just don't lie to your partner- NOW does everyone understand?!?!?!?!?!

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  by Penny The Wise on June 4th, 2008

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• Yikes, I am glad I am not married to you.

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  by Sheriff Raff -Answerhag on June 4th, 2007

• Puritan fringe? I just don't want my heart broken. At this point its not about sex, its about someone saying they're going to do (or not do) something they promised. That is a lie, and I won't stand for someone disrespecting and lieing to me. Period.
  So what if they ARE "old enough to go steady"? What would you say to her then?

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  by Penny The Wise on June 4th, 2007

• he would probably say "do what comes natural..do not listen to the puritan fringe that so often fills these columns and our country" or I could be wrong...(I doubt it) ;)

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  by MIA on June 4th, 2007

• I think you might be right. In which case, I think I'm glad we're (Stronfhart and I) NOT married...

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  by Penny The Wise on June 4th, 2007

• Penny just one question...have you ever been referred to as Puritan Fringe?? me never...I am still trying to figure that one out.

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  by MIA on June 4th, 2007

• Haha, Well I was called a prude once cause I wouldn't just rip all of my clothes off right then and there and have sex right on the sidewalk, but otherwise... No, not so much. In fact I have been called some really nasty things that are the antithesis of that...

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  by Penny The Wise on June 4th, 2007

• LOL YEAH I have been called a few choice names myself...but hey I am bold enough to take it..sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. :)

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  by MIA on June 4th, 2007

• I don't think he's calling names. I think he's trying describe your point of view.

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  by MaineMoody on June 4th, 2007

• Oh honey, I'm not a prude by any stretch of the word. Not by view, by action or even thought.

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  by Penny The Wise on June 5th, 2007

• Just beacuse I don't think that people should go around betraying each other's trust, doesn't make me a prude. It just makes me a person who actually things about OTHER PEOPLE, besides myself.

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  by Penny The Wise on June 5th, 2007

• Penny you took the words right out of my mouth.

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  by MIA on June 5th, 2007

• Thanks!

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  by Penny The Wise on June 5th, 2007

• I have nothing against experimentation or multiple partners, but I think the partners should know that it's experimentation and that they're not the only ones having sex with this person.

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  by Indigo- in the library with the revolver on June 3rd, 2008

• Very well put I will agree on that. If you agree to have an open relationship. But they dont, experimentation or not. They dont have an open relationship and he thinks he is the only one with her. Its wrong if he has no clue, and if you tell him your going to wind up single again anyway and then she can sleep with all the men she wants.

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  by little sprout on June 3rd, 2008

• You have to keep in mind that it's still possible to fix up a relationship after someone involved cheats, though it may take a lot of effort from both sides. I don't agree with the "once a cheater, always a cheater" saying because most of the time, cheating happens because something in the relationship is going wrong, not because it's in their personality.

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  by Indigo- in the library with the revolver on June 3rd, 2008

• Weird, I posted a comment earlier and now it's not here. Anyway, it had something to do with be honest and up front- if you want to be with 1, be with 1. If you want the option to be with whoever you choose, say so up front. That's where my line is in the sand.

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  by Penny The Wise on June 3rd, 2008

• I feel the same way. We have this radio show that does war of the roses and the people (mostly women) that suspect there s/o of cheating call and see who he sends the roses too the radio station calls them posing as there cell company. One time two women called that were going to set up there bf, they had both been dating him and did not know about the other person until he accidently texed one of them and said had a good time last night and he sent it to the wrong one. they set him up and he completly turned it around on them saying they were crazy and he didnt do anything wrong and that he never told one or the other they were exclusive

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  by little sprout on June 3rd, 2008

• Lame. Why can't people just be honest about their feelings? It would make things SO much easier!!

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  by Penny The Wise on June 4th, 2008

• Yeah, but I guess they're afraid and lots of people have trust issues (where I live, anyway, but then again this place has /lots/ of issues).

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  by Indigo- in the library with the revolver on June 4th, 2008

• I have trust issues for many reasons. Being in a relationship constintly feeling paranoid. I didnt want to end the relationship because i did love him and after all the times he would screw up he would come back and try to make everything better, I would feel great for a while but it would continue to happen. I am glad that is over but still it doesnt take away the mental and emotional toll it took on my head and my heart. We all need to be honest with everyone about our feelings. I dont care if you are a guy and you dont want to here it. Give her the respect by listening to what is wrong and maybe it will stop the cheating, oh sorry same goes for women to.

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  by little sprout on June 4th, 2008

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• Well the thing is, there is nothing wrong with him. He is perfect, I think I just did it cause I was being an idiot.

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  by deanna87 on June 3rd, 2007

• If you do tell him, he will want a reason and he will want it to be a good one. Being drunk or drugged won't cut it. Just the fact that you were with another man that lead to sex will make him so angry he might want to strangle you. I won't tell you what to do because I do not want to be responsible for your murder. You can always break up with him and then go be with the other guy if the sex was really that great.

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  by Sheriff Raff -Answerhag on June 3rd, 2007

• Don't tell. Stay with him What he doesn't know won't hurt him. Be discreet.

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  by MaineMoody on June 4th, 2007

• Would you want your spouse/partner/bf/gf to do that to you? Would you really just want them to cheat and never tell you? That would make me never trust them again- what ELSE were they lieing about?

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  by Penny The Wise on June 4th, 2007

• If I was content with the relationship and my dear wife felt the need to have a second relationship, I know, yes know, that I would be understanding. And I would expect her to be so too. Why is everyone so wrapped up in "fidelity." Fido is a dog, not a man or woman.
  Don't tell unless he's ready for it--and judging by most of the responses here he won't be ready....

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  by MaineMoody on June 4th, 2007

• Unless HE answered, how do you know? Not everyone is accepting of that type of relationship- and if you are, good for you for being so trusting. I personally believe that if you decide to commit to me, you will NOT sneak around behind my back. That's just how I roll. And obviously if she's scared to tell him, they must have a relationship similar, otherwise she wouldn't be asking, she would have just done it. I think it's horrible that so many people could cheat and just keep it to themselves so they don't "get in trouble". To be able to break someone's heart and lie to them like that just dusgusts me.

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  by Penny The Wise on June 5th, 2007

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• This is the very best answer. Nice job

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  by Snooch on June 3rd, 2008

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• I have been cheated on, plenty of times and it sucks. and i never said i wasn't willing to deal with it. thats why I'm asking.

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  by deanna87 on June 4th, 2007

• Well, when you were cheated on, how did you wish it would have went? Obviously you wish they wouldn't have cheated, but think about it. Did they not tell you for a long time? Do you wish you never found out? Take your experience and learn from it.

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  by Penny The Wise on June 4th, 2007

• I have been cheated on once and I got and std to prove the cheating. He never admitted to it I put the pieces of the puzzel together and my knowledge of the ex gf having this std. That and someone told me about a party that he had gone to the night after i had our daughter and the ex was there. I found out a year later that I had gotten HPV. Know I would have found out sooner had if i was due for a physical but I wasnt. I linked it all together at some point.

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  by little sprout on June 3rd, 2008

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