Ask a Question
or
Create a Poll
  1. Home /
  2. Questions /
  3. Relationship Advice
  4. / Breaking Up
  5. / Getting Over A Breakup
  6. / Post Breakup Communication

by bolilla on May 3rd, 2007

bolilla

Question

Help answer this question below.

Can you keep your faith that someone you loved was a good person, even though they did something really, really bad: selfish, stupid, immature and morally wrong ... but everything else they did was generous and kind?

  • Like
  • Report
Share:
Other

Answers. 7 helpful answers below.

  • by Stableboy on May 4th, 2007

    Stableboy

    bolilla -- Here's the thing: NOBODY is all one way or all another way. We're all a mixture of many different things.

    We commonly fail to recognize this, and we tend to think of people as being consistently one way or another. It seems like common sense: "he's a jerk!", or "she's a saint"... we really think we can "sum people up" in some short phrase.

    Ironically, we really don't like it when somebody else tries to sum US up in a simple phrase -- even if it's good. Think about it: even if someone says "you're always a wonderful person", when you stop to reflect a bit, you might notice that this puts you in a bit of a bind: if you want to avoid disappointing that person, you now have to be wonderful ALL the time... even when you're in a bad mood, or confused, or angry. That sets the bar pretty high. When someone takes a compliment like that too seriously, it can actually become a kind of prison which keeps them forever chasing an ideal image of who they should be. It gives no freedom.

    Why do we do this to each other? Why do we try to "summarize" who another person is and then hang on to that summary permanently? It's a combination of habit and lack of understanding, really: on the one hand, we're simply conditioned to think that way. Everybody around us seems to think that way -- we hear others talk about each other and themselves as if they could be summarized in a simple concept -- "he's such an ass!". If you grow up your entire life listening to people make these short, simplistic statements on a regular basis, it's understandable that you'd think this constitutes a legitimate way to think about other people.

    On the other hand, we have a predisposition to oversimplify EVERYTHING we encounter in life: we like to turn our life into a bunch of concepts.... little nuggets of thought that we can pick up and put in our pockets and carry around with us -- simple ideas which reduce the nagging anxiety that life is disturbingly complicated. These simplistic concepts come in a lot of different forms: aphorisms, "street wisdom", cliches, etc. "Life is a journey, not a destination". "The truth shall set you free". "Believe in your dreams and you can be anything". The list is endless.

    So I'm saying that we're addicted to our concepts -- oversimplified ideas about who we are, who others are, and what life is. This addiction is driven by our anxiety about how complex and ever-changing life REALLY is -- in our effort to get away from that anxiety and feel some sort of peace, we cling to these notions and we don't challenge them.

    So getting back to your question: "can you keep your faith that someone you loved was a good person despite (...) whatever horrible thing they did?" If you listen to the question in light of this discussion about clinging to concepts, can you see that it comes from exactly that perspective? That is, you have an idea that this person was "a good person", and you want to hang on to that idea. But you can't reconcile it with something terrible they did, and that's causing anxiety.

    The key to resolving this is to recognize that your attempt to hang on to this simplistic image of them is a fundamental kind of error that everyone makes. If you can let go of that way of thinking, and just allow for that ALL of us are very complicated (including your friend -- a former boyfriend I presume?), the problem which prompted the question will simply disappear.

    However, the disappearance of that problem will be accompanied by the appearance of a much larger problem -- this business about life being very complicated and things changing all the time! That problem is not going away, no matter how hard we try to simplify things and cling to our philosophies or views. So the choice for us poor humans is simple: learn to tolerate the complexity and changeability in life, or hide our heads in oversimplifications. Personally, I favor the former... but we all make our own choices moment by moment, and this is one of the big ones.

    • Like
    • Report

    7 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by mrcool on May 3rd, 2007

    mrcool

    You should always love the person - hate the sin...

    • Like
    • Report

    1 comment | Post one | Permalink

  • by PerfectlyPink on May 3rd, 2007

    PerfectlyPink

    Definitely, life is about change and evalution in a sense. I believe that all people can learn from happenings through out their life. If this person persistantly makes the same really bad, selfish, immature and morally wrong decission then that is when I may have to reconcider my answer.

    Example: a husband cheats at the beginning of the relationsihp and is genuily understanding of what has happened and that it can never happen again (learned from his mistake) opposed to a husband who continues to cheat over and over again not learning that what he is doing is wrong...

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by justwannaknow on May 3rd, 2007

    justwannaknow

    Yes, only if the really bad thing wasn't cheating!

    People make mistakes, cheating is not something to over look.

    • Like
    • Report

    1 comment | Post one | Permalink

  • by Balderdash aka PNB on May 4th, 2007

    Balderdash aka PNB

    I think so. Especially if the person is your child. You see so many parents of criminals who claim that their children are good kids. Sometimes it's denial but I think it's because they have so many years of knowing that child, good and bad, that the good overshadows the bad. Almost like selective memory except they aren't really conscious of it.

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by American idle on May 4th, 2007

    American idle

    It depends on just what it was. Some things DO cross the line. Most people are alittle selfish at times, stupid amd immature. It depends what he/she did and WHO it is.

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by Einstein on January 19th, 2009

    Einstein

    It boggles the mind my friend. Same thing I've been thinking about. People change sometimes. Or you wonder if it was always underlying.....People do things they don't necessarily intend on doing sometimes...myself included..have compassion..to a point I guess.

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

Want to attach an image to your answer? Click here.

Did this answer your question? If not, then ask a new question or create a poll.

More Questions. Additional questions in this category.

You're reading Can you keep your faith that someone you loved was a good person, even though they did something really, really bad: selfish, stupid, immature and morally wrong ... but everything else they did was generous and kind?

Follow us on Facebook!

Related Ads

Related Questions

Professionally Researched

Answerbag

a Demand Media company