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by kendraa on April 8th, 2007

kendraa

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Ive been an athiest for a few years now, i am still debating on wether to tell my family or not. my whole family, mom's and dad's sides are catholic. I feel like i'll break their hearts if i tell them. Especially my grandma, she works at a church.

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Answers. 7 helpful answers below.

  • by lizvelrene on April 24th, 2007

    lizvelrene

    Honestly it depends on how important it is to you to be identified as an atheist, or a non-believer, or simply a non-catholic. While you shouldn't feel that you have to hide who you are, many family members would probably perceive any such announcement as an attack not just on a religion but on family tradition and possibly on the way you were raised. Unless you have an intent of making waves (and it doesn't sound like you do) you will want to be selective of who to and how much to reveal of this change in your life.

    I will admit to hiding certain details of my life from certain elderly family members to prevent unnecessary upset. That's just my choice, not because of their disapproval so much as not wanting to cause them pointless distress. I just don't want them wringing their hands over my eternal soul, whether it's about my love life or my philosophical beliefs. I know I'm doing fine, and they can see that I'm happy, so the essential truth of the situation is known even if some of the details (which honestly they're too generationally removed to understand) are unclear.

    That could be the case for someone like your grandma, and I think it's very understandable if you don't want to cause her pain. However you don't want to cause yourself pain either, and if keeping this a secret is making you keep up a false front of some kind, like pretending you've been to church or faking it through some spiritual discussion then it may be best for you to selectively reveal this information to those family members who would understand. Some allies can make all the difference! It's very lonely to feel that your family doesn't truly know you, and if you have even one sibling or aunt who can be your support it would be good for you to have an honest conversation with them.

    Something you might consider is doing something like this in stages. They may react better to you "leaving the church" than to you being an atheist. Consider making it known that you simply aren't Catholic any more and not elaborate further.

    Believe me, there might be a lot more ex-Catholics in the family than you think, and a few family members may emerge down the line who are atheists as well. If you are young they may have been reluctant (or not permitted!) to tell you about their own beliefs in the past. Just do some gentle probing on the subject and see what happens.

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  • by passerby on April 8th, 2007

    passerby

    I think it depends on how old you are. If I lived at home with no sign in the near future of being independant I'd think carefully about talking to my parents about something that is so fundamental.

    I think you have the right to believe what you believe, and should be unhindered by others as far as possible. The reality is obviously different. We do tend to have expectations of our kin, especially our children or our parents. You may be expecting to your parents to fight you on this when they might respect you. They may be expecting you to live by the church they bought you up in.

    You are obviously sensitive to them, keeping your true self secret for so long is an awful burden. I'm really in two minds about this. You should be able to be open and honest with your family, it should be something that brings you closer but this is a simplistic view. If you've been raised in the church could you go and talk to the priest? I realise you don't believe but the priest will probably have come across this situation before. He may have some good advice. Alternatively you could ask your parents a hypothetical question and see how the land lies.

    My husband's parents were strong catholic and he was an alter boy. He's now undecided but they had the insight to step back and let him work it out for himself. I hope your parents afford you the same support.

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  • by mousegirl27 on April 8th, 2007

    mousegirl27

    Well, I don't know your family but I will bet there will be a big funk. The best advice I can give would be to make sure that they know you respect their religion but simply don't feel that it is right for you. Then you will be setting the example for how you would like them to react to what you believe.

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  • by Talker on April 22nd, 2007

    Talker

    We are defined by the contents of our character and not by our affiliation(s). Your personality or moral fiber is the essence or core of your being. True atheists understand this. We therefore prefer not to be labeled as “non believers” but rather as those who believe that God does not exist. I would love to debate this point with you at a later stage.

    I trust that your recent shift to atheism is not a whim but the result of serious deliberation, in depth research and immovable conviction. If this is true then you should inform your family. Please note: Don’t just tell them, inform them. And if you studied the concept of Atheism thoroughly you would know how to inform them!

    A large number of Christians shift towards atheism for the wrong reasons. They shift not because they are convinced of the alternative but because they were disappointed with Christianity! If you’ve made the transition for this reason then you’re not a true atheist but merely a disgruntled Christian.

    So! My answer is:
    • Inform them if you are truly convinced;
    • Don’t inform them if you still have doubts.

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  • by Sociopathetic on April 8th, 2007

    Sociopathetic

    My family is sort of the same, and my grandmother also works in a church. I've never believed in 'god'.

    I've just up front told them what I thought, and it hasen't affected them very badly. I have Jehova's Witnesses in the family too, but I don't see them very often, so they wouldn't know. If they asked, I wouldn't hesitate to tell them.

    But that's just the way I am. It depends on the person.

    It might make them feel- well, not betrayed, but somewhere along those lines. I don't know your family, so I don't know how dedicated or what their reaction would be like...

    Like I said, I've had no trouble with telling my family. Then again, I didn't really care about their reaction either. And I still don't.

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  • by ChaiCustard on April 16th, 2007

    ChaiCustard

    Just dont tell them. If not telling them is not affecting you or them negatively, AND you think telling them might disrupt things significantly, then just play along. ( and if its "..Damned if you do, damned if you dont".. then at least you can delay one 'damning' )

    (Actually, I used to believe in tell the truth no matter what, but I later realised many people cant handle the truth.)

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  • by skeptic on January 13th, 2010

    skeptic

    Don't worry, in time you might come to your senses and return to Catholicism.

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