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I was and am the other person! I hate it. When we first started 2yrs ago it was a no strings attached thing and I had a boyfriend. My relationship with b/f was very poor. The b/f only wanted sex for his own gratification but then treated me like crap rest of the time and let me down EVERYtime. He would buy me things to sweeten me up which I hated. My relationship with a married man started cos we connected immediately just being friends for a long time - met his wife, was invited over to spend evenings with him while his wife went out (she knew about these times) but things progressed into a sexual relationship which she didn't know about. I hated the deceit but you don't really think about it when your in the 'zone' with each other. We fell in love and he wanted to leave his wife for me last year. I chickened out and finished it. Then his wife found out and confronted me. By this time I had started another relationship with a single man. I guess on the rebound but desperately wanting to get over my one true love and hoped things would work out for me. We nearly got engaged but I couldn't go through with it cos wasn't in love with him and never got over my lover. Before I split with my last b/f I got in contact with my lover and we started being friends again, it was obvious the feelings were still there but more complications. We have now started our relationship again but he isn't sure what he wants to do - says he doesn't want to hurt or string me along but it's more difficult cos his wife took him back and they have tried to move on cos I gave up on him. It appears that our 'affair' helped their marriage but why would he start again with me? He says he feels grateful for the opportunity of there being an 'us' again (we ahve so much in common and heading for the same goals) whereas their marriage does 'just work' they are just heading off different paths. Trouble is my emotions are completely messed up cos he has asked me for time and therefore the possibility that he won't leave his wife this time. I know how I'm feeling now and don't want to lose him, whereas before my love was true but I couldn't go through the whole upheaval. Does anyone think it could work a 2nd time around for us? He says I hurt him a lot cos he gave me everything yet I just chucked it away. I so wish I could turn back time. Now I feel pressured and in a competition with his wife. He wants me to be relaxed about things and not think things over in my head and evaluate them (cos women do that a lot). I love having time with him and it is always quality time and fun but at the moment I'm pushing us apart with my emotions :-(
No, not that I know of.
I would never EVER intentionally be 'the other person' because I know how much it sucks to be on the other end. I have more respect for myself AND other people than that.
Not to my knowledge.....well, wait...possibly. My husband was broken up with his girlfriend/fiance when I met him, but they were still talking and working through things, which I took to mean, they were broken up, but still sleeping together. I put my feminine wiles to work, and he stopped sleeping with her and I got him..Does that count?
No I would never be involved with a man that cheats on his partner, no matter how much I was attracted to him.
Men in relationships are off limits.
I felt like the "other girl" throughout my entire relationship. We were together for almost a year and I had to look at him everyday and know that he was still in love with his ex.
Oh yeah. It was fun while it lasted.
No.I've had more than a few "opportunities"and the thought of doing that makes me sick.
I've been cheated on, and divorced because it never stopped. I've also been propositioned a lot by married men, and I've always refused to get involved.
Now I am the other woman...
This was not "an accident." You do not accidentally get involved with someone; you make a choice. It doesn't happen if you don't want it to - you have to participate.
I knew he was married. He's been married for more than 25 years and he had never strayed. I am single. We met persuing a sport we both love. The attraction was intellectual, strong, and instant. The idea to become physically involved was his, and I denied it at first. But I was curious! He was interesting to me, but he was married and lived in another country so I did not intend to persue him romantically. I did enjoy his company and wanted a friendship. We kept in touch by email and phone and I found myself wanting to see him again.
Our relationship did not evolve because he had a bad marriage; he loves his wife. It evolved because we were able to connect and talk about things that have probably become taboo in his marriage. As you might imagine, sex is an issue. He had not had a sexual relationship with his wife in more than 5 years. (Listen up, ladies! While we want to believe that a relationship is all about love, men express their love sexually. If you deny him that opportunity, at some point it will become an issue.)
If you connect with someone, and open up to talk about taboo subjects, it creates a shared intimacy. Taboo subject is not code for "sex." For us, it was talk about the things that get shut down in a long term relationship; emotions and feeling that get put aside so that they don't cause an arguement or upset anyone. Shared intimacy can lead to a physical intimacy over time. It also creates a secret in your marriage.
Do I think that either of us is a "bad" person? No. We're actually both really good people. We work hard at top jobs, give back to our communities, have friends and family, volunteer, etc.
The intent is not to hurt anyone, but I know that potential is great. I have pointed out that the secrets he now keeps (our friendship, conversations, relationship, etc) would destroy the trust he has in his marriage, and that could not only end his marriage, but destroy his family, too. (They have an adult child.) Maybe he feels it is less of a threat because we are in different countries. I don't know.
I do know that I value his friendship, and I cherish the relationship that I have with him. There are a lot of reasons that our relationship might end (his wife finds out about me, he feels like a heel for cheating, I find someone else... lots of potential scenarios) but for now, being involved enriches both of our worlds. He has a renewed candor that was missing from his marriage, I have an intellectual connection that I was missing, and on occasion, we also have a physical relationship we both enjoy.
It's not ideal, but it's real. And the reality of life is that either one of us could stop breathing forever in this very next instant. All we have, is what we have right now.
I've been the wife of a cheater and now I am the mistress of a cheater. It hurt to be the wife and I have questioned myself long and hard about the position I choose to be in now. The only way I can justify it is in the fact that I would never in a million years ask him to leave his family. His wife doesn't have a clue but if she ever found out and he needed to end our relationship then I would accept it. That is my justification. Not that what I am doing is necessarily right but then I'm not so sure it's wrong if no one is being harmed. As for him being a cheater, he has to come to terms with that on his own.
And yes I know: If he cheats on her then he'll cheat on you. You can never trust him. He only cares about you because of the sex he's getting and he will move on. Only a dishonorable person would have a relationship with a married man.
I've even said those things to friends in similar positions but when the tables were turned, I looked at things a whole lot differently. He won't cheat on me. He cares about me and not just because of the sex. He won't be moving on. I am an honorable person. Naive maybe, but it works for me now.
Oh yeah I forgot to mention the karma thing-what goes around comes around. If I'm doing a bad thing then I will pay for it later on. I'm willing to accept that in exchange for the happiness I have now.
No.
Yes, mine was really bad. I didn't ask for it, didn't want it and yet it happened.
I was starting my new job and it was my boss that approached me, and then he confessed his "love" for me. And well, he got to me. Now, I just wish I had quit my job the instant he declared his feelings because then I didn't feel anything. But now I'm so confused, and he's 11yrs older than me so I think he's handling himself better. And I have to see him mon-fri, it's so hard. I started having panic attacks and I am not in a position to quit right now. I don't have the luxury, I am a student and I work full time.
Right now I am just feeling like the worst person in the wolrd, I feel like crying everytime I think about it. And I know I should just focus on the future but I had never done anything so morally horrible in my life and now I am feeling like I am the most awful human being.
I definetly don't even remotely think it's a good idea, I think that it's a horrible thing to do to someone. If you don't want to be with a person then you should tell them and not sleep with someone else. Unless its an "open" relationship, then it is an awful thing to do to someone, especially if you are being sexually active with them. Who knows the kinds of diseases that could be spreading around.
Are all guys like this, can they just not be faithful at all?
If they arent man or woman enough to click, then its just sex and lust. Relationships have ups and downs. Tell your partner how you feel before you cheat on them. The other person doesnt care about your other or you. If they did they would be looking out for them too. By making them look like the bad guy it easy for them to move in and f%$%^4 you. Thats the truth. I would hate to say it, but the guys that sleep with the most women are the ones that are the sympathetic friend. They more your jealous boyfriend lover etc complains the more you play into the friends hands. Its a game,as a women you have to be strong.
Yes.
No. I have never been attracted to a lying cheat.
Yes, and I actually am. But my situation, is different. He now lives with me, and we both love each other very much. I am divorced, and he has filed for one, fighting for custody of his two daughters. His soon to be ex wife, never did much for him, always going out to bars, leaving the children home at nights alone, when he worked at night, not ever knowing if they were alone, unless he would go by the house.She got into trouble financially, and wouldnt ever keep a job, always having her hand out. It would have been different,if the money was for the kids, instead of going to the local bar.
She was a nasty house keeper, leaving dirty dishes in the sink, and leftover food in them. She left piles of laundry everywhere, and never did his laundry for him. As far as sex went between the two of them, she always kept the little one in the bed with her, which kept him out of the bed most of the time. The child to this day is 6 years old, and afraid to sleep alone.
She never took an interest in his interests, such as his motorcycle club, or playing darts. All of the nights she would be out drinking, she could have been with him playing darts, or out riding. He paid for a house to take care of her and the kids , and when she left him, she left the house so nasty, with dirty dishes , cockroaches, piles of clothes, and just all around crap all over the kitchen floors. I went to help him with cleaning up the house to get his deposit back, and trust me I saw with my own two eyes the condition of that house, and I was never more hurt for him inside of my heart. He is a good loving,and attentive man, that didnt deserve her, and now he lives with me. I keep his laundry done, and his dishes clean, and put away, and the beds are made all of the time. I ride the motorcycle with him anytime, and anyplace he wants to go, and i also play on a dart team for him. There are acceptions to being the other woman, especially if the wifey isnt making her man happy, its her loss. She should have paid more attention to what she was doing. I love this man with all my heart, and his divorce will be final this year. And yes, it can work out with the right man.
No and I think it is a slimeball move to be so if you had sufficent reason to believe the person you got involved with is either married or in a comitted relationship I know what the pain of being cheated on feels like and I would never want to inflict that kind of pain on another man and I don't want to hear peoples sad ass excuses about how you can't help who you're attracted to because yes you can if you are a decent individula tyou know getting involved wiuth someone who is married or in a comitted relationship is wrong and you should be grown enough to control your feelings and or hormones enough to not make such a slimeball move To me anyone who gets invol;ved with a person they knew from jumpstreet was either married or in a comitted relationship is just as bad and in some instances even worse than the cheater
Yes, and I can't really promise I won't be again. It sucks but sometimes things just happen.
Yes, and it ended badly for everyone. I don't recommend it.
Yes,I am now and it is not good! Hes a friend of my husband and I am a friend of his wife. We started out as just friends and it has moved slow to more. Every weekend we hang out and play around. We spend 24/7 text to each other. I told him that was fallen for him and he told me he had fallen for me, but both of us are not able to leave the others to be together. We know if the problem of it. I have fallen in love with him.
never, i want to be the number one person,the only person,even if that is asking to much, i would never be the other person ,because i wouldnt want anyone to be the other person in my relationship.
Fortunately not!
Yes, I was the other person for over a year, but I honestly didn't know. I did suspect it on a few occasions but he denied it and made me feel silly for asking. I guess that is how he was able to control the situation. He left his partner and came to live with me and now I find myself wondering if he is doing the same to me. Trying to trust him but it's not easy. Why is love such a force?
well yeh i have been. and i still am.. but they cheat on each other all the time. and im pretty sure i'm not the only one he sees behind her back. It's strictly sex. thats all, no emotions. the first time i felt bad but i couldnt stay away from him its like i'm drawn to him and i love when i see him! i just cant help it. its not as bad as it seems.. i mean she cheats on him too..?? thats what made me feel abit better lol. like if she was my friend or a really sweet girl i wouldnt see him. no matter how badly i wanted him. but ive never officially met her like ive never been introduced but she knows me, she knows who i am but she has NO idea about me and her boyfriend. but if i start seeing someone this will stop. what do you's think..?
Yes, I was only 23, just out of college. Had a friend from the same college who got married just after graduation.
We ended up living in the same city in another state, quite by coincidence. She seemed to be bored, not happy with the town or her home (new) and started visiting me. One night it just happened and it continued for 2 years until I took a job in another state.
That all happened before I was ever in a serious relationship. Being on the other side of that would make me sad & angry. But I didn't have that perspective then.
They divorced a year after I moved away btw.
yes, im actually the other person right now...im having a relationship with a married man who is 24 yrs older than i am...we've been together for over a year now...at first we just said no strings attached we would just go out have lunch together and talk, all inocent, but it didnt go that way...i guess for some reason it might of been my fault why we startd, bcuz i have felt something towards him, since i was 16 and now im 21 turning 22...before i didnt say anything bcuz of respect and i tought he would think bad about me that i was an easy girl..so i holded my feelings for 4 yrs but then i couldnt hold it no more, so i was like fk it im gonna call him and tell him what i feel just to get it out of my chest, so i did..i confessed him that he attracted me and i had a 'crush' on him and i told him, i know what im thinkin is wrong tell me im wrong and tell me its not right what im feeling, so i wasnt pressuring him at all..he was very surprise so he dint say anything till he called the nxt day and told me that we could go out have lunch together and talk...so we did and thats how it started we both fell in love with out knowin...he confessed me that he couldnt stop thinking about me and that he has fell in love w/ me..so i confess it too i told him i was feeling the same way and told him you think this is right...so he said its not right but we cant hide our feelings no more...idk my relationship with him its just like a romance movie...and now we turn a yr together in october 1st...and we are still in love
we both kno we are doing wrong, but now we cant stop it no more, i want to but i cant no more im really in love with him that i dont think i would ever live without him...idk what im gonna do now, i dont wanna be a homewreker..i've tld him if he leaves his wife i will leave him first...but now i cant back off its very difficult, i've tried once and he started crying like if you'v done something bad to him, so i felt soo bad that i didnt back off..
yes, only once though and never again
I dont for a second think it was okay but she was a really mean person and I was told they werent actually together anymore and thats what he told me and aside from that when someone hits on you you kinda assume they arent taken. even though it wasnt the best experience it taught me alot and i dont regret it.
NEVER! My current boyfriend was once the "other" person with some chick he met on a one night stand. He told me he didn't mean to do it, but her boyfriend was a cheater and a bad person who treated her like crap. So that was his justification.
I didn't agree with his reasoning, but I decided to forget about it because "his past is his past", and who am I to judge? After all, no harm came from it.
Now I see that that's bull. I am now showing symptoms of an STD because of HIS indescretion with some people I don't even know. I was a virgin when I met him, and I trusted him to be my first. He told me he was clean, but his history wasn't as spot-free as he thought. If her man cheated on her, that puts us all in even more risk! And because he's "justified" himself to doing this stupidity with this girl, I'M going to be the one who pays. Today we're going to get the results from the doctor, but after this whole ordeal, even if it turns out I don't have anything this whole thing makes me question the integrity of my boyfriend.
Being the other person not only destroys you're integrity, but it also puts EVERYONE at serious risk. Think about it; the person your sleeping with is sleeping with someone else, who MIGHT BE sleeping with someone else, and so on and so on. The odds are against you!!
Things don't "just happen". You either decide to take your clothes off or you don't. It's not up to chance. We're all adults who make choices, and no matter how much you might want to make yourself feel better by saying you can't help it, YOU CAN. It's not like were all just running around naked and happen to bump into eachother! And it's not like you're feelings and emotions are so out of control that you can't say no to them!! How many times did you feel so angry that you wanted to kill someone? Did you act on those impulses? Did you shoot them in the head? I'll bet most of you all didn't, or else you're accessing your computer here from prison.
Just like you can stop yourself from shooting someone in the head because you hate them, YOU CAN STOP YOURSELF FROM SCREWING AROUND DIRTY. And anyone who claims they can't is just fooling themselves because they don't like to think of themselves in this unflattering stigma, so they're rationalizing it and claiming unaccountability.
"Oh, officer, I can't help robbing the bank. You can't help who you rob!"
BULL!!
I'm sorry if I come off as harsh, but my life is in danger because my stupid boyfriend decided it was okay to be the "other person". IT'S NOT OKAY!!! IT IS A BILLION MILES AWAY FROM BEING OKAY!!
And hearing all these whiney, emotional, wishy-washy soap-opera excuses just make me want to puke.
I'm the other person. It started out just for fun. But then more feelings came around. Yet, he's still with her. I'm breaking it off. I don't want to be this girl. I can't play second. So, I'm letting it go. Either he will realize it or he won't. But I'll move on. No one deserves to be second best. UNless that's what you want. I can't judge. But I know it's not for me. I just wish I didn't start to care for him so much.
Yes. My ex-girlfriend (as of about four hours ago) and I were in a poly relationship, and her primary was another woman. Said other woman delivered an ultimatum, and the ex is now an ex. Honestly, though, I'm more worried about them -- ultimatums are hardly a good sign. :(
Not intentionally
I have. Three times. Makes me sound like a whore, no?
Well heres the long ahd short of it : two of three were one night stands. I had no idea I was the other person until later.
Third time, well I DIDN'T know he had a girlfriend, and he told me they'd split up...they hadn't. It carried on until they did split up, and now this girl has a problem with me...quite irrationally in my opinion, though yours may differ, it should be him she's angry at and not me, since I didn't have a clue!
Yes...and I was one pissed bitch when I found out.
I became the other person yesterday. I'd say it got out of hand and that I didn't know what I was doing, but that's just not true. The guy I fooled around with had cheated on me when we were together, with the girlfriend he has now. The situation has come full-circle, with him once again as the cheater and me on the other end of the cheating stick. And the worst part is, I only feel bad about how I don't feel bad at all.
Yeah and I'm glad she's with that loser.
They deserve one another.
Nope. I've always been my own person.
I was the "other person" and didn't know I was a mistress until I got pregnant. T'was a crappy way to find out, Thank God the idiot got deported for fraudulent immigration documents.
yes i have and i am in the same situation. i love this man who is married, we've been together for a year now. we started out as best friends, I know his family really well. then one night we were talking about how unhappy i was in my relationship with my bf and he told me the same with him and his wife. then he kissed me. i have never felt a kiss that was so wonderful. we decided to have a no strings attached kinda relationship but it quickly progressed to more. one night when we were together he said he loved me and i knew right then i felt the same way. now after about a year, i want more. he does to but he doesnt want to mess up his family and i dont blame him. my only problem is where to go from here. should i give him an ultimatum or just wait? i love him and dont want to lose him but i dont want to be alone either. i know i will never feel for anyone the way i feel for him. please help.
yes. and it sucks for everyone involved. i didn't know i was the other woman and when i found out it broke my heart. it made me feel like the past 2 1/2 years of my life had been a lie. it's a horrible situation to be in, doubly so, if you don't realize that's what you are.
**kisses**
Yes I have. Ever since I have known him, I have been "the other person." i knew he was in a relationship with another girl, and tried to control my feelings for him, because i did not want to end up getting hurt. During the first year we became incredibly close friends, so close that i would confide to him all the time about my personal life - he knew my every weakness, my relationship(s) with other guys. We were so close that even his girlfriend confronted me and admitted to being "intimidated and slightly jealous" of our friendship. But i told her we were just friends.
And then exactly one year after we started hanging out, he admitted to wanting me physically. I knew he just wanted to use me. He wanted a "friends with benefits" relationship. I thought i would be able to deal with it, but i was wrong. I wanted him emotionally, not just physically. After we "hooked up" once, our friendship broke apart. Emotionally, i was devastated. This all just happened 3 months ago, so I am still in shock. To see him with her hurt a lot, and i had to pretend like i was fine every time we went out together with other friends.
He always wanted us both -his gf and me - at the same time. And i thought he would change, but i realized i was wrong. I havent spoken to or seen him in a month. I feel its time to stop having any hope, because he was never mine to begin with. I got myself in this mess, so i should be able to deal with it now.
Yea, a couple of times. i'm not a relationship type of person so i've been the side piece, never really bothered me as long as i didnt have to meet the girlfriend.
not that i know of, lol.
I dont think i could ever be the other preson. i'd always want so much more
Yes i am at the moment. He is in the navy and his wife lives in manchester so it doesn't really feel like an affair (except when she calls etc) at first he said they were splitting up but then he admitted a few months later that he lied. i tried to end it but missed him too much. at times i wish i'd never met him and would advise anyone to run as fast as they can if they even suspect he/she is with someone else. it feels awful and at the moment i am in limbo just praying that he leaves her for me ha i doubt that will happen apparantly that is very rare but fingers crossed
What other person? I'm confuzzeled.
No. Why would anyone pursue another person that has made it clear what kind of person they are? (disloyal, dishonest). If they are willing to cheat WITH you, they are surely willing to cheat ON you.
no , i wouldnt do that to somebody
I would never do it intentionally becasue I don't want it to be me on the other end, although that has already happended a few times to me in my relationship experience. It was a horrible thing to find out about, and I wouldn't want anyone to feel that way. Good reason or not. The other person that was with my guy at the time, knew me and would come over and hang out, while me, god knows what I was thinking, never saw what was going on until a few years later when my guy said he couldn't do it anymore, he couldn't keep lying to me about what had gone on.
my biggest regret so far.
I dont think so.
I looked up this question because I am right now. I met her a week ago, we advanced pretty quickly, and I just found out today.
I don't blame her in any way. She seems to not like (and actually fear) her boyfriend. They were on a "break" when I came into the picture, and I think she wants to use me more of an excuse to leave him. I think we've got a solid chance to last as a couple when she gets through this crisis, but if I'm just here to keep him away I can certainly do that favor. (I hope.)
Whatever I am to her - beit a significant other, protection from an abusive person, whatever - I'm sure it's for the right reasons. Yes, even if it is just a passionate fling.
More than a few times. My narrow mindedness got the better of me.
If a girl tells you your not a boyfriend type of guy what does that mean iim in 7grade
by Lillucky_L on April 6th, 2011
| 1 person likes this
How do you cope with your husband having a baby with someone else even though you wernt together when it happened?
by helenhartman on January 15th, 2011
| 1 person likes this
A. friend i have known for many years recently told me he loves me. He had been drinking. Was he telling the truth. We are both married.
by patr on December 3rd, 2010
| 1 person likes this
isnt fair if u have a car and ur gf ask a stranger to teach her how to drive without letting u knw and find out dt thy have nyt classes
by Skillz_M on January 6th, 2011
| 1 person likes this
My boyfriend had a one night stand with a girl at my school(2 weeks before we met). Now I have to see her at a birthday party. What to do?!
by Keeley_J on January 14th, 2011
| 1 person likes this
You're reading Have you ever been 'the other person'?
Comments
Wow. That's rough. It's hard to say if there's a chance for the two of you or not. What you need to figure out is if you REALLY want to be with this man. If you aren't sure, then it's not fair to jeopardize his relationship with his wife (again). I think the best thing for the two of you to do is to END the sexual aspect of your relationship (which tends to confuse things) and figure out exactly what to do. If he's happy with his wife, then you need to step aside and let them be happy. If he's not, then he needs to end that relationship so the two of you can have a REAL chance at happiness together.
by Anonymous on January 23rd, 2008
Forgive me for sounding harsh, but I cannot respect anyone who knowingly gets involved with an unavailable man/woman. That said, I know you can't deny feelings that exist so strongly...you can't control who you fall in love with. If you feel you are "soul mates" and destined to be together, however, it is always best if the involved person first ends their relationship and is thereby free and clear to get involved with you in a ligitimate relationship. If they can't do that and you pursue being with this person anyway, it's wrong and will not end well.
by bashigyal on February 29th, 2008
I personally think you should cut off all contact with him and I mean ALL.
by AnonymousGirl on May 15th, 2008
I'd move and start fresh and try to forget about him. Really, I'm not just being cute here, I'd do it.
by Shavale is very happy on July 16th, 2008
I have been in a similiar situation and i really do know the anguish you are going through. If you haven't already (seeing as I'm 10 months down the line here) you need to give him an ultimatum - you or her and mean it. You need to be prepared to walk away as living like this is breaking you inside.
by Little Miss Sunshine on October 27th, 2008