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by spock's brain on November 22nd, 2009
I would agree with the previous answers. How old she is, her reasons for lying, how long you had been in your relationship all play a role.
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If she is very young, she is still learning about how to act in a relationship. That's what youth is for.
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Maybe she has had (you don't say) was afraid you might not have (assuming the young thing again here) and was concerned you might feel threatened?
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Maybe she said this in a casual relationship when you first met/did not mean anything to each other, was trying to sound "cool".
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I don't know that we need to hold someone accountable for casual comment spoken before a relationship exists.
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At the same time, assuming you are out of your teens and the mistatement came after you were in a relationship, I understamd your concern. From her point of view if may have been a harmless white lie, but if she did not consider how you would feel when you found out, than it seems to me that perhaps she does not know how to be in a relationship.
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Talk to her. If you let her know you felt hurt and that complete honesty is important to you when you are in a relationship with someone, hopefully she will understand. If not, my advice would be to move on.
by rose1980 on November 22nd, 2009
Well, think of it this way, if she lied about something as trivial as that, what else will she lie about? That's were trust goes to the dumps. +4
by Anonymous on November 23rd, 2009
Depends why she hid it. She may have been ashamed of it for some reason.
+5
by Anon on November 22nd, 2009
Be wary. She might be an insect.
by Lilith_Demon_Goddess_Of_The_Underworld on November 22nd, 2009
It all depends are you 12????
by bendybot on November 22nd, 2009
Obviously it does to some degree because you're on Ab wondering about it. And I think that's valid. It would bother me if I were in your shoes.
by Diogo on November 22nd, 2009
Why did she have to lie? What difference would it make? If she lies now on such an insignificant matter, what would she do at a more serious situation? How can you truely trust on her? Has she ever told you she was a virgin?
by Just-A-Pineapple on November 22nd, 2009
It depends why she hid it from you.
She may have kept it from you because she just didn't want to talk about it. Nothing wrong in that really. :)
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Comments
Good answer here. +6 My boyfriend lied to me that he had sex before at the beginning of our relationship. Not only is it normal to feel bothered, but it will also make you feel like you can't trust them. Lies are wrong, period.
by Anonymous on December 3rd, 2009
Necessary? -cool points, not so cool. It is wrong to not share with your other, but like the answer you are rating, there are reasons why. I think some would rather lie and keep the one good thing they've ever had in their life than lose it because of something they can't change. pretty sure your BF considers you to be the only thing he's ever truly loved and didn't want that to happen. Pretty sure he misses you too.
by have mercy love :( forgive me. on December 3rd, 2009
Thanks. While agreeing that lies are almost always "wrong", I persoanly would be fairly understanding of your bf.
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He must already have felt like the last virgin (o.k., last MALE virgin) and was likely embaassed to admit it, might have felt you would think there was something wrong wiht him.
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You might not have, but he didn't know that then...
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It seems to me his lie was not "as bad" as telling your s/o that you are single but in reality you are married and have 6 kids!
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Motivation, in my opinion, does need to be considered...
by spock's brain on December 3rd, 2009
I just can't see how someone would think lying would make things okay, as one knows the truth will come out eventually. I understand the motivation but I still think it's not an excuse, you know? I know this lie isn't a bad one, but still a lie nonetheless... I still felt betrayed.
by Anonymous on December 3rd, 2009
It just seems weird to me that anyone would prefer someone who's had sex before over a virgin. That's just strange to me. Unless, that's what THEY wanted, a non-virgin.
by Anonymous on December 3rd, 2009
If it were me, I'd feel annoyed that someone lied, but thats looking at the small picture of things. I would feel treasured even, to know that if thats someone's real motivation was because they felt I was worth that then I would be comforting of them, saying something along "aw you don't have to hide that from me, I will always accept and love you!"
and I GUARANTEE*BUMPHINT* that it will get almost 100% better almost instantly. I guarantee also that you will have a flurry of honest random details all the time about everything, and you wouldn't have any problems *hint* of trust issues, doubt issues, insecurity issues, or any issues really.
But hey, who am I to say. I wouldn't know your bf lol.
by have mercy love :( forgive me. on December 3rd, 2009
The question is, WHY would he hide that from me? I understand the concept, but, *honesty should prevail always.
by Anonymous on December 3rd, 2009
>.> Come on kokoro I know you can do it. Read my post again and really put yourself in the shoes or something. Are you like this type, "aw you don't have to hide that from me, I will always accept and love you!" or the type to give him retribution and make him regret saying anything?? I know from experience and had to learn this the hard way, try it and see for yourself.
by have mercy love :( forgive me. on December 3rd, 2009
Are you the soothing understanding type? gentle and welcoming, or harsh and reprimanding??
by have mercy love :( forgive me. on December 3rd, 2009
So you think lying is ok, and the person should just not feel like crap cause at the beginning of the relationship they SPECIFICALLY stated they WOULD be HONEST?
by Anonymous on December 3rd, 2009
Kokoro, I don't think Nightrush was saying lying is o.k. She is trying to understand your bf's motivation.
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Now, you may well be the type who WOULD say, "That's no big deal, don't worry about it." but at the beggining of your relationship, he wouldn't know that.
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As to prefering a virgin or non virgin, things have probably changed since i was starting to date, but at the time there was still a stereotype that guys were suppossed to be the ones with experience. Second, there were nto that many 20 or 21 year old virgins around (listened to the guys bragging, you would have thoguht there were no 14 year old virgins ;D ) I can understand why he would feel left behind, "wierd" and would be concerned that you might think the same.
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It is still a lie, but a lie out of insecurity, it seems to me, is not exactly the same as a lie with the intent to hurt you.
by spock's brain on December 3rd, 2009
B.T.W. do you REALLY care of your s/o is a virgin, do you REALLY prefer one?
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Just asking 'cause it seems to me that a) there really areņ't that many around and b) there are a lot of other things that seem much more important to me...
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I think I feel a new question coming on...
by spock's brain on December 3rd, 2009
Spock, that does make sense. I just can't help but think, if we specifically stated we would be honest with each other before we started dating - why did he think this lie would be ok? I know it was done out of insecurity, or whatever reason he may have, but it still broke the promise we made to each other.
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To be honest I would prefer to be with a virgin, and it would have been nice to date someone who didn't have any past girlfriends - but it's not a deal breaker, and as you said, there are much more things that are important. I try to understand that the past made him who is today, the man that I love today. It can just be easy to let trivial things get to me.
by Anonymous on December 4th, 2009
I suspect the promise was made in response to your prompting. That being said, I believe that, when he made it, he intended to keep it. Likely he hadn't yet considered exactly what this might entail revealing.
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I think that complete honesty requires trust from BOTH sides. The listener needs to know that the speaker is being honest, the speaker that the listener will be supportive and non judgemental.
Both types of trust come with time and the collection of positive experience.
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I suspect that the promise was rushed, but that does not mean that as he learns to trust you to respond in an understanding way, that he will not feel safe being completely open and honest. How quickly this happens will depend on how you react to things now.
by spock's brain on December 5th, 2009
Good points. Thanks spock.
by Anonymous on December 5th, 2009