How often do you THINK of inappropriate things to say to/call someone who may have wronged you, but you edit yourself, and later things turn out so much better than if you HAD said them? (Here and in Real Life)

Here, I am appalled that people make accusations without asking a person - they just jump right in and say whatever. A lot of loose canons. In real life, I am more concerned if s/o and other loved ones misunderstood anything said and ask right away. I truly do not have this problem with them. My friends know me and know I never mean anything negative. Strangers, I don't care and ask for a manager. I've dealt with people on a call line and the inappropriate ones usually end up apologizing.
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My hesitancy here is that I act the same in real life and I am concerned about others' feelings. I see cliques jump in like in high school and brand me with unusual characteristics, names, accusations, and violate AB policies acting like it is a private forum where others should not join in on the clique (which I didn't know existed). This is for opinions not stated with vulgarity or hostility, just different; they remind me of bullies. The only things I wish I had not said on AB were my feelings and being offended to people who did not care. I practice that in real life but I somehow mistakenly thought it would mean something to people who are 'trying to help others' with their Q&A.
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So many chat rooms are filled with vulgarity, porn and outright names, I thought this would be an adult forum where people could discuss issues WITHOUT name calling and being completely emotional, controlling, threatening and downgrading; and some state it under the guise of humor when nothing is funny. Maybe not.
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On AB, things only turn out better when the CL BD came on board. In life, since words are not said to hurt anyone, and not presumed to be taken that way, it is in clarifying how I or they took it and ask what was truly meant. Life is too short to hurt people.

Comments

I understand, and understand what this is in reference to. One thing I've learned is to try to not take things said on here too personally. I mean, look at #70 on the blog. Actually, this is what prompted this question, as I self-edited a couple of lines there. And it was obvious that it was not known, at that time, that I was a CL. Remember that people on here become pretty fast friends, and when someone says something about them that may hurt them, they feel it necessary to defend those friends, especially if they aren't on at the time. Most all, too, are very willing to accept friends into their fold (or clique, as you called them).
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I certainly agree about the name-calling. Consider that those friends may have felt the one trying to make points was "name-calling", though, as accurate as those statements may have been.
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Thank you for your belief that I had anything to do with the resolution. It takes all parties to see that they are misunderstanding things.
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Thanks for answering, Anonynous ;-)
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by BigDaddyBS on November 3rd, 2009
Yes, I did take things personally and that was my weakness for exposing my concern for the hurt feelings of myself and possibly another when an sincere apology was not accepted.
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When I get over being: pathetic, troll, uninvited butt-in, nothing named "Anonymous" is a person or a member of AB, a ridiculous abortion, sick, banned, know too much, something not done to me yet, don't make THEM angry, hunt my ID, and stalked by 2 people; -- and I will get over it, I will more understand some people. The last time I was gossiped about WAS in high school where I overheard it. Some of these threats are so ridiculous, they are laughable and impossible. You'd think that I'm ready for a flogging. For what?
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The same with #70. Point good, name calling and degrading not.
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You are too generous with your comments about all of us. Maybe I will understand that in time also. Thank you on the behalf of all members.
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by anon on November 3rd, 2009
I am so sorry Anonymous you have felt so wronged and it has caused you to still want to talk about it. It is sad that this can not just be dropped. I understand you feel we did all these things to you...Please tell me now just what we can do to make you not want to keep writing about us? I truly mean this Respectfully. I Truly Want To Resolve This so you dont keep feeling this way. I dont think we are bad people and by your words the new people who come on here get a bad idea about us. What can I Do To Help?
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by Sunshine in a COAT of Sunshine on November 4th, 2009
Sunshine, it was courageous of you to write this.
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Eventually, I may get over all of this. I don't think you understand how it feels to be a new member and treated the way I was over a difference in opinion. This came from a total of 6 different people on 3 (but there were more)answer threads. Four of those people had COAT in their title and all were in the top levels. Although none DRd me (which I don't care about at all), I don't think there could be people who were more troll-like in their manner, perhaps very hypocritical.
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BD, was fantastic and continued to see what was going on.
Arisztid had nothing to do with any of this and apologized anyway. I have a great deal of respect regarding him although I don't know him. You were the only other of 6 who even made an attempt to apologize. Only time will show if it was meant and the above does not occur again to any AB member whether a level 1 or 100.
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by anon on November 5th, 2009
No, I don't like writing the truth, but I wish someone had written what I have gone through so I would know what to expect when suggestions or disagreements are made from a low-level member to a high-level members, especially with COAT in their names. I would know more what to expect, and avoided such people.
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Thank you again for your comments and concerns. If all people would have apologized and meant it; and never treat people like that again on this website, it would be over and done with.
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I'm not sure I will stay and I don't think anyone but the CL cares. If I see adult, caring behavior from all of these people in the future, it would be an honor to change what I have observed so far.
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by anon on November 5th, 2009
@Anonymous. You know, I just followed the various threads in the MajorTom saga and I am completely appalled by what AB users did to him. I noticed you were one of the few people who found the self-righteous mob mentality as appalling as I did, and I just wanted to say well done. It is nice to know that there are sensible, kind people in the world as well. Peace to you.
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by Daniel on November 11th, 2009
Daniel, you don't know how much this meant to me.
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If the first one had waited until MT was on line and said there were some things that didn't make sense, could he answer them; and then make a decision based on his answers, I'd feel altogether different. But there were over 20 people attacking him and sure they were right even before hand. If we took any one of them and did the same over anything, I'm sure they would be hurt and offended and wonder who their friends were. But Daniel, you know all this. It was done to me shortly after I joined, and their comments have been erased.
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I've seen things in life where everything was nonsense until the person explained it perfectly. IF that was the case here, without being more tactful and caring, the man could have been destroyed. For a few more hours, waiting for him to come online, he was already condemned no matter what he did.
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I had to change my anony. I felt really isolated in this, so your comments meant everything.
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by anon on November 11th, 2009
Anon - You've seen both sides, now... You saw how caring everyone was with the MT incident, but also seen how fast they can become, as you and MT put it, a "mob". The thing is, everyone there cared for MT and each other. Some put themselves out there by describing things that happened to them, where they may not have before. People were literally and figuratively crying about his loss. During that time, though, the story seemed to unravel. And those who care so much about each other and what THEY were going through, felt they needed to explain, and point out the problems. I understand, they didn't give him much time to explain, but the ONLY thing he "explained" was the Philippines IP. There were many other things in the "saga" that didn't "cut the mustard". None explained.
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You MUST understand, though, that many of those users saw it happen at LEAST one other time, before. They saw the devastating effects of it, the depression, and didn't want anyone else to feel the same.
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by BigDaddyBS on November 11th, 2009
Big Daddy, I don't think you know I was one of the "victims." I said things I had never shared and shed a few tears. Yes, it was hurtful, but this is a guy on the internet. I am now aware of him and will not participate in anymore of his Q&A, as I won't with some others that you are aware.
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However, I used the word "mob" first and MT picked it up. I stand by it. It fits the dictionary explanation. There was a timeline where he was not online for 3 hours while people condemned him (I know, out of anger and hurt), acting like an angry mob. These people attacked him without asking one question or clarification. Others started asking but it was such a mess in the middle of the mob hysteria.
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You've probably noticed I don't rush to judgment. I want to hear the whole story, or as much as possible before I decree he is like, as one put it -- "killing others and then himself."
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by anon on November 11th, 2009
I am ashamed of the people who did not wait to clarify by asking him questions, ESPECIALLY if there was any truth whatsoever that he suffered the loss of a spouse. One person said he was sent an e-mail but would not go into more detail except how horrible he was. This added about 150 more comments based on nothing that was established.
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I realize it occurred before. Instead of gossiping and starting the gang-like behavior (I worked with gangs), this should have alerted them to TELL him how they felt. ASK him questions. Be adults and not just react.
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If I came online, and saw the garbage that was there, I would have been angry. No, not like MT. In fact, I'm offended you would group the term "mob" reserved for him and me, although it is the truth. I was angry to see I was gossiped about and called names. My opinion of how adults on AB act has not changed, but has been enhanced.
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by anon on November 11th, 2009
None of this takes away from the actions of MT prior to, during, or afterwards. I am surprised that he hasn't been placed in the PB and everywhere he used profanity and cut down people himself, that it was not deleted. I would sure like to know the reason "WHY" he went to such lengths. I can only guess and be done with him. But I will not lower myself to call him names, call the other people names, and gossip to such a length that it doesn't matter if it is true or not.
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by anon on November 11th, 2009
They pretty much consider what happened as "high treason" because so many peoples' emotions were invoked so strongly. It wasn't QUITE the same thing that happened to you, but from their view, I believe even you can see that they believed you were attacking a friend. Well, MT's case, the felt that he conned a LOT of caring, loving people, and obviously, don't like that.
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ABers can easily wear their emotions on their sleeves, and things like the prior situations and this one, simply make people fearful of sharing, and jaded.
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You have to know that others care about a LOT of people here, low and high-level. As I said before, those people who defended Mensan cared, maybe too much. The same might be said about the D and MT debacles. They go into protective mode, and try TOO hard at times. I'm TRYING to get any more "attacks" stopped. Some understand it's not good for AB, and others have yet to see it that way. It certainly doesn't make THEM look good.
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Again, I apologize for what happened to you. I hope you understand.
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by BigDaddyBS on November 11th, 2009
I was finishing the above, and was interrupted here at home, I apologize for not getting it in fast enough.
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I don't understand the grouping the term "mob reserved" for him and yourself.
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I, personally, and I'm sure AB, would much prefer to see people comport themselves as you and others have. I try. I hope you don't include me in the "mob".
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You also must know that as CL, I feel I can't say, online, how I personally feel either way, as people may take it as being what AB thinks. You have to remember that there are only FOUR CLs for this whole site. In most cases, things MUST be reported to be removed. Otherwise, it's simply things we've "run into". AND, there are times when people report things through feedback, rather than through us CLs. That usually takes a few hours to a few days to be resolved.
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I understand your reticence about others here, and hope you continue to espouse the voice of reason when you bag.
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by BigDaddyBS on November 11th, 2009
Oh, you are a Great person and a Perfect CL Person for us in AB. 's
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It appeared that Daniel and a few others, Cowtipper again (with his one-line potent comments), could stand back and see what was going on. This is reflective of our society. What if a neighbor moved in and had MT's story, and everyone brought food and presents and cried around a coffin; only to find out it was a hoax? I would be seriously concerned that these AB people would be physically violent to the new neighbor, house, pets, etc. As you probably know, the gang mentality is not to ask questions later, it is not to ask questions at all, just react.
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Big Daddy, I appreciate the fact that you took the time to try to explain this and think about me. Remember I was defending M from a different point of view which was not liked, and people did not want me on THEIR thread and were not about to take any suggestions. I feel like saying, get over it, internet = public and wonder about their mentality, which I do.
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by anon on November 11th, 2009
I diverge. I just don't like to be paired up with MT, just like I changed my name when he took it. He used my word "mob" as did a few others, and I cringed when he started using it, but disregarded any efforts on my part to talk and explained why he did what he did. His decision.
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You have nothing whatever to apologize for ever, nor has Arizid (sp). You both tried to help and help some more. You are the most tremendous asset for AB, and I will keep saying the CLs should be paid for the time they have logged in, if nothing else. I 100% back what you said in your comments to Rich and how you have to run the site. (I was not complaining to you about MT being PB'd and it is not your duty. I wish the gossipers requested that instead of creating more havoc with him.)
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Thank you for the little miracles you have created and caring about an AB like me. I am smiling as big as your profile smile. Thank you.
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by anon on November 11th, 2009
I understand some of the reaction. People felt betrayed. Nonetheless, I think there is a very strong possibility that MajorTom was 70% fiction and 30% truth. Someone constructed an avatar that allowed him to enjoin respect and admiration - not the worst crime in the world, and fairly commonplace on the internet. It doesn't mean everything he said is a lie: for instance, I would bet my bottom dollar he really had SOME experience in the military at some time. I AM EVEN MORE SURE THAT HIS PARTNER REALLY DIED. This is not the kind of thing that people lie about easily, and his tenor and behaviour were consonant with someone in shock. Telling fibs does not mean that everything about us is a lie, and it does not put us outside the ambit of decency and compassion. I understand the outrage - I really do - but I still think it is self-righteous and self-pitying.
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by Daniel on November 12th, 2009
Daniel, I so agree with you and how to handle things. I remained open as long as I could only to have the mob take over. He never had a chance to defend himself or explain since there were three hours of condemnation before he came online. I noticed 2 things right off that made me cautious, but I would have liked to ask him. The services were at different times. When I asked, he switched to suicide talk. It is not possible to fly a plane in his condition whether military or civilian -- liabilty. A neighbor of mine thought he was a civilian or a military enlisted person as an airplane or helicopter mechanic. He spends way too much time on the computer to be a military officer, muchless a general. If his partner really died, and we all have different types of grieving, and I tried to keep my mind open throughout, this would still be tragic. He said a gay bishop performed the services. We have no idea where he was going to go with this or why. I wish there were questions first.
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by anon on November 12th, 2009
Yes, it is pretty obvious that he was not a general in the army. I would be worried if US generals spent all their time on AB, even while they are flying military missions! I tend to be very sceptical of these kinds of claims. But people seem to feel that his misrepresentation in this respect is unassailable proof that he lied about his wife's death, which is not only fallacious logic but actually, in this case, very unlikely. I can provide a long list of people who are CLEARLY not exactly (or even remotely) who they say they are on AB. It doesn't mean I don't engage with them, listen to what they have to say, or empathise with them. There is usually a kernel of truth. I would be surprised if the stone-throwers in this incident have always been 100% honest in their self-representation on AB.
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by Daniel on November 13th, 2009
How very true. I have asked a few when the answer was not meant to be humorous or sarcastic and they were proud of their lies. I also don't like the idea of people under 18 using the site. If all of them were under 18, I might give them the chance to grow up; but I'm afraid they aren't.
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by anon on November 13th, 2009

I can, too... Especially, here! LOL
Thanks, Chief ;-)
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by BigDaddyBS on November 2nd, 2009
:):)
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by The Chief on November 2nd, 2009
Chief, I have only seen helpful comments from you.
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by anon on November 3rd, 2009
Welllll...I think I put my foot in my mouth a time or two somewhere along the line here on AB! But the majority of my hard knocks education came before I got to Answerbag!
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Thanks, Anonymous!
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by The Chief on November 3rd, 2009
Yeah... Chief has learned he doesn't like the taste of leather (or crepe or rubber or Toe-Jam...) LOL
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But if anyone is adept at explaining, and pulling that foot out of their mouth, it's the Chief. He will also apologize if he misread/misunderstood... A rarity around here, sometimes. ;-)
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by BigDaddyBS on November 3rd, 2009
:)
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by The Chief on November 3rd, 2009
True, so true, true, true, for me too.
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by anon on November 3rd, 2009

LOL... HEY... You've said that to ME! Was I being rude/insulting?
Thanks, Rosie ;-)
(And Happy Wednesday!)
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by BigDaddyBS on December 30th, 2009
No...I say to everyone "thank you for your answer and Happy whatever day it is". Without fail. If I have additional comments to make I do but sometimes I have nothing else to add. If you read any of the threads where people were rude I refused to get under the rock and in the slime with them and I am always polite. I think you know that you have never been rude to me BD. But I give such people nothing to come back at me with...so I leave them dangling in the wind on the rope of their own making and it lasts forever here on AB so people can look back and see what they were, how I responded and draw their own conclusions. :)
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by RosieGHM Jetpacker on December 30th, 2009

Sorry, accidentally posted as an answer instead of a comment.
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by Daniel on November 11th, 2009
Daniel... Wrong Anonymous. You MUST look at their profiles to keep them separate. THIS one was Major Tom. Oh... Sorry... I'd JUST read MT's at http://www.answerbag.com/a_view/8253424 . I see what you mean, now. Sorry, again.
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by BigDaddyBS on November 13th, 2009
Tricky with all the anonymouses... anonymice :-)? Thanks, BigDaddy, for your sensible mediation around this issue & others - much appreciated.
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by Daniel on November 13th, 2009
You're welcome. ;-)
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by BigDaddyBS on November 13th, 2009

Question

How often do you THINK of inappropriate things to say to/call someone who may have wronged you, but you edit yourself, and later things turn out so much better than if you HAD said them? (Here and in Real Life)

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How often do you THINK of inappropriate things to say to/call someone who may have wronged you, but you edit yourself, and later things turn out so much better than if you HAD said them? (Here and in Real Life)

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