Can you tell me a great joke?

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Q: How do you thoroughly embarrass and confuse an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it is from!

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. 

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to do that. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. 

The next day one of the woman's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!" 

"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

Two dawrfs looking for sex so one says to the other will we get two prostitutes tonight? Great idea he replied!! Later that night two prostitues arrive at the door. The first dwarf just cant get it up he tries playing with it , gets her to play with it and nothin!! He pays her and sends her home. Being nosey he starts listen in on next door all he hears is 1 2 3 jump 1 2 3 jump this goes on for ages and he gets jealous so he goes to sleep. The following day at breakfast the first fella says i had a terrible night i couldnt even get it up but i listened in on you, you sounded like you were havin the time of your life non-stop 1 2 3 jump must have been great? No!! He replied i was trying to get on the bed!!!

Q: Why is aspirin white?
A: Because it works.

Q: What do they shout out at Muslim strip clubs?
A: Show us your nose.

Q: How do you know if your boyfriend has a high sperm count? 
A: You have to chew before you swallow!

Q: Why did the walrus go to Tupperware party? 
A: To find a tight seal.

I was just asked for a new password in work,8 characters long....so I put Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs

Q. What do you do if you find an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
A. Throw your laundry in.

Q: How do you know you're at a gay picnic?
A: All the hotdogs taste like shit.

A man goes to a bar. On the counter there is this big jar completely filled with money. He looks at the barkeeper and asks: "Wow man, where's all that money for?"
The barkeeper leans forwards and says: "Well, you can win it, but first you will have to pay me 10 dollars, and then you will have to do three things for it. If you manage to do all three things, the money is yours."
"So what exactly are those three things?" the man asks.
"Pay first, then I'll tell you."
He thinks a bit about it, and finally gives the barkeeper the money.
"Ok," says the barkeeper, "These are the tests. First, you have to drink a whole pint of tequila. You will have to do this at once, no hesitation, no pause in between.
Second, there is a huge dog in the courtyard. He is in big pain, as one of his teeth is rotting away and you need to pull it out with your bare hands.
Third, at the attic, there lives a 94 years old lady. She never had an orgasm in her whole life, and you will have to give it to her. Once you have finished all the tests, you'll win the money."
The man looks at the barkeeper and says: "No way I can do all these things... That's sheer impossible!"
"These are the rules, take it or leave it.. the money will stay in the jar, if you change your mind, come back. "
Quite a few beers later, the man feels that he has some courage, and he goes back to the barkeeper. “Ok,” he says, “Give me that tequila.”
The barkeeper gives him a whole pint of tequila and the man starts to drink it. 30 seconds later the glass is empty.
“Well....” he stumbles, “where can I find the dog?”
The barkeeper points to a door, leading to the courtyard. The man disappears in that direction, and it doesn’t take long before a lot of noise is heard. Barking, grunting, a loud scream.. and some more grunting.
When the man comes back, he is covered in wounds.
He leans forwards at the bar and says: “Right, now where is that lady with that rotten tooth?”

Steve Jobs has resigned to spend his last months pursuing his dream of becoming a chef.

The first thing he'll make is Apple Crumble.

I just looted colonel gadaffis compound and left with a family size bucket

On second thought it might have been the wrong colonel

Sure! My new favorite one is... Two flies are sitting on a turd when one farts. The other one says "Hey! I'm trying to eat over here!"

I phoned in sick today on my first day at working for the Samaritans....but they talked me out of it.

Q: What do you call a fat Chinese guy?
A: A Chunk.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? 
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo0.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!' The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.

Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, 'Magic Penis, my crotch.'

The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right.... Magic Penis, my ass....!'

The rest, as they say, is history.

A mother hears a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom, so she opens the door and finds her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" the mom asks.

"I'm 35 and I still live at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to having a husband," replies the daughter.

Later that same week the father hears the humming noise and finds his daughter with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm 35 and I still live at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to having a husband," replies the daughter.

A few days later the mother hears the humming noise coming from the den, so she bursts into the room (quite annoyed) and is surprised to see her husband sitting on the couch, watching TV with the vibrator buzzing away next to him.

"What in God's name are you doing?" she asks.

"Watching the game with my son-in-law!"

i could , ...but you would laugh .
;-)

A cashier and I were closing down this pharmacy store, when I forgot to lock the front doors, but turned off the automatic doors. A couple finagles their way in and asks for something. The guy was like, "PLEASE PLEASE, please, WE'll pay extra for it". So we say, OK what do you need. The girl meekly replies, "Just tampons". We tell them where they are, and the cashier says to me, "Geeze, the guy was more emphatic about that than she was.". And I reply, "Well, maybe he has explosive diarrhea".

Most governments are a joke, just not funny.

do you have any problem?

yes i could

ironic isn't it.

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

i could but it probably wouldnt be too funny

Q: Why does a squirrel swim on its back? 
A: To keep its nuts dry.

Q: What was tigger doing in the toilet? 
A: Looking for pooh!

This guy who owns a horse farm gets a call from a friend.

The friend says, "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, and I'm sending him over."

The midget arrives, and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.

"Nith looking horth. Can I see her mouf?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's teeth.

"Nith mouf, can I see her eyeth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes.

"OK, what about the earsth?"

Now the owners is beginning to get a little pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him her ears.

"Okay, finally, I would like to see her twat."

With that, the owner loses all patience, picks up the midget, and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out.

Shaking his wet head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase that. I would like to thee the horth run."

Q: What does a blonde say after sex?
A: Are you guys all on the same team?

So my wife walks into the room and says...Do you want some sex? LOL

Q: How do you get a fag to fuck a woman?
A: Stuff her pussy with shit.

So this guy says to this blind chick: "The reason my snake keeps shooting up when you stroke it is because it think's it's my cock!"

How many epileptics does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends how many fit in the room.

chuck norris can slam a revolving door

yes i could

ironic isn't it.

Q: A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" 
A: Trainer replies: "Use the ATM".

Q: How does a blonde turn on the lights after sex?
A: She opens the car door.

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? 
A: Beat it - we're closed.

What do Vampires and the Buffalo Bills have in common?

They both suck.

Q: What's red and crawls up a woman's leg?
A: A homesick abortion.

Industry inside info: Now is a good time to apply to work for Apple as it's stated that they have Jobs going.

A priest, a rabbi, and an Indian chief walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

You come to Answer Bag and ASK for someone to tell you a joke?

Why couldn't little bo peep find her sheep?