Critique on these two poems?? (See answer)

I really like the 2nd.
Likely because it has such a biographical implication!
;-)

First one is technically and just all around really good, I really enjoyed it.
In the second one you sunk too far into yourself and lost objectivity. You tried the () technique again but it fell flat. Technically and emotionally inferior.

1)
When you go (You stay)
When you hate (You love)
When you sleep (You lay awake)

When you go (I cry)
When you hate (I Yell)
When you sleep (I thank the lord!, oh to hear that sound)

When you go (They whisper)
When you hate (They wonder)
When you sleep (They watch)

When you go (She waits)
When you hate (She smiles)
When you sleep (She whispers “Love when will you leave her?”)

When you stay (I worry)
When you love (I wonder)
When you lie awake (I fear)

When you stay (He’s happy)
When you love (He smiles)
When you lie awake (He sleeps so soundly with his daddy here)

When you stay (She goes)
When you love (She hates)
When you lie awake (She’ll never sleep with this image near)

2)
Her life
Her love
Her heart

She gives
She gives
She gives

His life
His love
His heart

He takes
He takes
He takes

She gave (her heart)
He took (her life)
She gave (her love)
He took (her heart)
She gave (her life)
He took (her love)

Now she (has nothing)
Now she (is broken)
Now she (knows he never cared)

He took a lot,
He knows this.
He’s gonna give it all back
But for right now (he needs to go)

He brings her a diamond ring
She cries, she yells, she says no

Then turns away
Taking with her

His life,
His love,
His heart.

She’s happy now,
But does she know?

She now has his soul as well…