by 
Jodie44
ANSWERS: 18
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"they call it the american dream because you have to be asleep to believe it." yeah ive been on a carlin kick for the past few weeks! very convenient that you ask this now!
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"Those who dance are considered crazy by those who can't hear the music." ~George Carlin
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In honor of George Carlin, I will post a few of mine: *I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic f-ing hatreds! *There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? ............ *Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. I could go on and on, but I'll leave space for other people to add to it. Rest in Peace, George.
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"did you know that religion is the number one cause for death?"..."so a bunch of religious people decided to kill each other because god told them it was a good idea."..."hey, anytime a bunch of religious nuts wanna kill each other, i'm a happy guy"..."...the people at alabama can put these on their churches so long as they include the fifth commandment, "keep thy religion to thyself!""
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If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted? Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money! Quotes: http://digitaldreamdoor.nutsie.com/pages/quotes/george_carlin.html
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"It's never just a game when you're winning." - George Carlin
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Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
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He comments on music those trying to play the "Blues" "It is just not important to know how to play the notes, it is more important to know WHY the notes should be played."
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"A maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a bunny suit at the time."
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Anorexics. If they don't wanna eat -- fuck em.
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"This just in from the Institute of French toast: Fuck waffles!"
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"A house is just a place for your stuff."
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On television you can say "I pricked my finger, but you can't say I fingered my prick".
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-"You know something people don't talk about in public anymore? Pussy farts!" - ...(there was more before this bit about commiting suicide and writing a note, but this is the part I like).. "I hope youre happy now that I'm God damn dead, signed, the corpse in this room...ps F*ck you people!" -"People are f*cking goofy!" -"I was dancing with a woman, she told me she had a yeast infection. I said, well bake me a f*cking cake! A couple of corn muffins, a jelly doughnut - I don't give a sh*t. Im always in the market for quality baked goods. You couldnt squeeze a birthday cake outta that thing by any chance, could ya? Huh? Huh? Huh? -"Well somebodies gotta think of these things, apparently I've been appointed."
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"Every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness and dies by chance." - [ooops! That was Sartre. Sorry.] - ;-)
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"My God has a bigger dick than your god!" George Carlin
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Al Sleet here, the hippy dippy weatherman, bringing you the hippy dippy weather.... man. Tonight's forecast: Dark. Continued dark throughout most of the evening, with some widely-scattered light towards morning.
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