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by queenrat76 on March 19th, 2007

queenrat76

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What are a few thing I can try for discipling my children, ages 2,4,& 14. The oldest is my step-daughter and the younger ones are my biological children. No matter what I do it seems the only way for me to get them to listen to me is by raising my voice.

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Answers. 6 helpful answers below.

  • by audiogal on March 19th, 2007

    audiogal

    If you haven't watched the show "Supernanny", I would highly recommend it. Jo can get any kid to obey their parents!

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  • by singwell-is off researching a lot on March 19th, 2007

    singwell-is off researching a lot

    First of all, each child will have to be treated differently.
    but one thing has to change: raising your voice. It is going to hurt your throat, and you will have to get louder and louder as they turn off to it.
    So, instead of raising it, lower it. Go up to the child in question, stand in front of them, get eye contact and, low and even, state what you want. Now. Please. They will soon get the message. If you need them, ring a bell to get attention (tell them first)
    Don't give second chances: you want it done when you ask.
    Don't say, do it "or else". They have to learn to do it when you say. If there is ever an emergency, there will be no time to waste or for them to question your command.

    For the 2y0 and the 4y0, a time out chair is needed, where they go if they do not obey. It should not be anywhere near toys or television. and they stay there until they can see that they were wrong to disobey.
    Sanctions are good: for the littlies, on tv, toys trips to maccas etc
    For the older one: limits on when she can go out.

    last night my 18yo was throwing a tantrum. I just went to her door and said; what is the problem? (she is tired because she has been working long hours, so I am fairly understanding, but she wanted to go to her boyfriend's family's house to stay, becasue it was closer...noooooooooo!)
    She couldn't give me a good reason. It was all blubber. So I said: go to bed. Shut up. I do not want to hear it. There is no problem Your father has given money for a taxi to the station tomorrow. that's it.
    She started on again about 1/2 later, so I just called out. Go to bed. Shut up. (and sent her sister, who was trying to help, but not making it better) away (she is 21 but still went.
    she was in a fine mood this morning. took the taxi.
    I don't put u p with it, sweetheart. I'm not saying things are perfect, but if my 18 yo talks back to me, I tell her that is not on. I don't let her swear (she tries). She screams and says that maybe I want her to leave home and I say (calmly)No that is not what I said. I just said;change your attitude.
    All the best.

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  • by passerby on March 20th, 2007

    passerby

    Hi, you've got your hands full with quite a blend. I agree with others that sanctions work well with older children. I've never used a naughty step/chair myself but I know it works well for others.

    I've always used the distraction method as a first line of defence with little ones. They have such a short attention span that they can be easily made to forget that they were in the middle of being incredibly naughty! If distracting them with some positive fun doesn't work then I move on to sanctions on distrations. 'Ah well, I was going to make cookies, but now...' my last line of defence is an actual sanction 'I'm going to put the favourite toy away until you find something better to do with your time' but I try and remember that they aren't that organised in their thinking at 2 and 4, and giving them something better to do is always the best motivator.

    A Sanction on the older kids that work well on age 4/5 upwards right up till they earn their own money is putting all their pocket money for the week in a jar, in a visible place and in nice shiny coins. Place an empty jar next to it. Each time they behave badly, or attempt to avoid chores etc remove a coin from the full jar into the empty jar. The empty jar is your jar. At the end of the week take their pocket money out of your jar, count it in front of them then spend it on something selfish for you, making sure that they know how much their bad behaviour has enabled you to be treated. The other jar, with the remainder of the money in is their pocket money.

    With younger ones the reverse also works, filling a jar up for each good deed is a more positive focus as well.

    In disciplining your stepchild I think its essential to accept that no matter how much they love you they will at some point resent you for attempting to parent them because you aren't their parent. My husband has found that by setting rules himself he opens himself up to horrors but if he enforces my rules he's fine, they know where the line is. We get round this by agreeing the rules in private and then telling them that they are my rules, agreed on by their stepdad. He also found it easier to deal with them when he made time to make a real relationship with them.

    We bought a book about parenting and I can't remember its name but it had just one piece of useful info in it. It was the words 'regardless', 'despite' and 'nontheless'. Here's an example:

    'I'm NOT washing up, I've going out with my friends, I don't want to do it'
    'Nonetheless, I'd like you to wash up'
    'I'm not doing it, you're not my mum'
    'regardless of that, I'd like you to wash up, then you can go out'
    'you always make me do it, it's not fair'
    'despite that, I'm asking you to wash up' etc...
    the youngster invariably grows tired of an argument that you are not getting involved in and does the chore to shut you up. It's a brilliant tool for argumentative types. My second son knows I do it and he still can't goad me into a row.

    Lastly, no matter whether they're your kids, his kids or the kids down the block, regardless of whether you are feeling crazy, stressed or annoyed praise them and praise them for everything they do that's good, never assume they know you're pleased. All kids thrive on praise. If you still feel stressed go and scream into a pillow!

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  • by abbysmum on March 20th, 2007

    abbysmum

    I think that taking away privileges works well with teenagers. Its also very important to tell them why you are making the rules at that age eg "I dont want you staying out late because I worry about you because I love you so much".

    For the little ones I agree that the time out chair works very well for most children as long as it is somewhere where they dont get any fun or attention apart from countdowns eg " One more minute then you can come out". Keep the times in the naughty chair short - about a minute for each year of their age.

    Always remember with any age child to praise when they have been good, kind, reasonable etc.

    Never tell a child that you hate them or are going to get rid of them.

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  • by KathrynS on March 19th, 2007

    KathrynS

    It is hard not to raise your voice or yell sometimes ,but I have found that lowering your voice is more effective. Talk to them like you would like to be talked to. You don`t listen to people who yell at you right? 14 and 4 is a big differnce, different rules for each. Take each problem as it comes, Time out, or a consequence such as taking something away. or you can do the choice thing such as set the table or clean out the dishwasher type thing. You can pick up your mess, or go to bed now and pick up your mess later. I have 4 teenagers, we have rules, chores,fun time, homework time, they each get a hug every night no matter how hard the day was. it can be hard it can be great! They grow fast though enjoy them.

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  • by Sunblynd 5.0 on March 19th, 2007

    Sunblynd 5.0

    Maybe this can help, or at least give you a good laugh. http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-460257983342692063&q=south+park+-+dogwhisperer

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