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by Rawrsers is suprisingly optimistic on September 9th, 2009
Help answer this question below.
by Rawrsers is suprisingly optimistic on September 9th, 2009
This is the poem,please give consturctive criticism,suggestions,feedback,anything you want.I really appreciate you taking your time to read it and the help is very appreciated.Thanks <3Rawrsers
*Shelter*
By Rawrsers aka Megan
Oblivious
Going on with my day
In a nine year old kind of way
There was nothing significant
About today at all
Just giggling with my friends
About going to the mall
Not one thing amiss in my life
Uninformed
The day just passes me by
It's just a normal day
I leap off the bus
My mom looks like she has something to say
I run to her
She suddenly starts to cry and tremble
I try to hold her together
Except, I can't
She's falling apart everywhere
All over the ground
She finally hugs back
Embraces me
Like never before
My nine year old hand in hers all the way home
I sat and she cried
She screamed and shook
Ever so slowly she stopped
Just long enough to point to the TV.
There were towers
Two planes
Two plumes of smoke
One pair of sorrowful eyes
Staring back at me
From a reporter, whom I will never forget
My mom finally forms words
That I knew were coming
I spoke first
Why is daddies work on fire?
Why isn't he home?
Why are all those people screaming mommy?
It was a choked whisper
But I heard it
It may as well been a scream
He's gone.
That's it
Those two words broke my life
They crushed every single piece
Beyond recognition
September eleventh
I will never forget
The day my dad died
And life as I once knew it went with him
*Please note,this poem was not written about me,just by me*
by Erebus on September 10th, 2009
I didn't see any spelling errors, so I'm not sure what that other guy is talking about. =0
It was pretty good, if anything was wrong it was a bit long (length wise not word wise). A little repetitive also.
The whole length thing is just my preference of writing, I save one or two word lines to put emphasize or something with meaning.
Hope I helped.
by mozART on September 9th, 2009
that was excellent megan. it really touches the heart. i am a poet myself too. even tho i'm only 17 lol. but *points for you!*
by Andrew on September 9th, 2009
Very beautiful. You should be proud. If you write better, I would really love to read them.
by Booknight on September 9th, 2009
Where's the poem ?
What is a credo poem?
by Answerbag Staff on May 18th, 2010
| 1 person likes this
Finish: roses are red, viloets are____________?
by DIYman on December 8th, 2011
| 4 people like this
what is your favorite poem or lyric?
by guardman 22 on November 19th, 2011
| 2 people like this
is this a good poem?
by Dylan_L2271 on November 16th, 2011
| 2 people like this
Can I see/hear some of your own personally written poetry?
by Unicorn Man on October 31st, 2011
| 1 person likes this
You're reading What do you think of this September elevenenth tribute poem?Not one of my best but it's just for an assignment.
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Comments
I don't know enough about poetry to offer suggestions. I read for pleasure....either I like it or I don't.
If poetry is suppose to touch the reader then this one gets high marks from me. It moved me to tears. I consider it a worthy tribute.
by Booknight on September 9th, 2009
Thank yous so much Booknight! I really appreciate your time and your opinnion it is just as valued as a seasoned poets would be.
by Rawrsers is suprisingly optimistic on September 9th, 2009
Very good, Megan. The short sentences pack the most punch. The last 9 lines, for example. Also these five lines:
.
There were towers
Two planes
Two plumes of smoke
One pair of sorrowful eyes
Staring back at me
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Those are powerful lines. You could have said
Two towers"
Two planes
Two plumes of smoke....
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"There were towers" is a weak line. In general, forms of the verb "to be" are weak. Action verbs are preferable. Good examples of action verbs:
I leap (off the bus)
I run
broke (my life)
crushed (every single piece)
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Modifiers are often superfluous and merely weaken a phrase. "They crushed every single piece" can omit "single" without losing information. "They crushed every piece." Every time you can omit a modifier, or an entire phrase, the result will be stronger. That's the difference between poetry and prose. A short poem can say as much as a long book. You can shorten this poem and make it stronger.
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Ask questions if you like. I hope these comments are useful. :)
by Mr_Natural Abstractor of the Quintessence on September 30th, 2009