My fiance has been having an emotional affair (talking and texting) his ex gf. we have been dating for nine years. This has been off and on really since day 1 of our realtionship. should i scrap it? we have 2 boys and i still love him! i cant trust him.

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• i ask myself the same thing everyday!

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  by lily is confused on November 5th, 2009

• Do you depend on him financially ?...

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  by happiness on November 5th, 2009

• yes and no, i have a job that pays my bills, with a little leftover. problably the biggest hurrdle, i live about 9 hours away from any family. its easier to stay then to bring them into it. like i said we are not married but we live in a state that recognizes common law relationships so that is a good thing and bad thing, were as i believe we have to get an actual divorce, bu i would be enitiled to half of everyting also

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  by lily is confused on November 6th, 2009

• I don't know you, but I'm concerned about your happiness and healthy mental In the long run). He might love you (a little) but doesn't have respect for you. If you think you and your kid can survive without him, better let him go. There are still good men on this earth. But dont; rush. Let yourself healed and let your kids have good relationship with their dad.

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  by happiness on November 6th, 2009

• best advice by far!! i had always believed kids in a seperate home but happy are much better in a home without a loving mother and father. i have come to the realizaion that i no longer am in Love with him nor he with me, if he was this wouldnt be happening. as far as the rest goes i am in the process of getting everything together with the legalities. and you are right there is not only NO respect but no trust. you cant have a relationship without either. Thanks again for the support!!!

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  by lily is confused on November 10th, 2009

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• Let me clear up a few of your questions. No txting was not popular nine yrs ago but they were talking on the phone daily usually twice or more, as per his phone bill. emails were often exchanged refrencing how sorry each other were because they were unable to meet on a few occasions (as well as the 'L' word being exchanged) this occured the first two years of our relationship. as i was planning on moving out we found out we were pregnant otherwise this converstation wouldnt b happening. i would have left. the txting has been as recent as april of 08 until i found phone records in october...hundreds of txts monthly as early as 7am until 3am that next morning.

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  by lily is confused on July 24th, 2009

• This is an emotional affair. there is no acceptable reason for this behavior. my best gfs and i dont have conversations like that. it had been asked to stop and was not. another way i classify it emotional. as she lives 800 miles away i will not b inviting her to any BBQs anytime soon.

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  by lily is confused on July 24th, 2009

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• my comment was to long so i just put an answer on my own question :P

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  by lily is confused on July 20th, 2009

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• So, is he doing anything to actively regain your trust? What effort is he putting in? I have to be honest, I don't feel that it is right to be talking about your relationship with an ex that there still may be some connection to. He should be putting the effort into working on things with you rather than talking about it to someone external to the relationship that is an unrelated female (or so the experts say). That is how my ex started cheating on me. It is possible for him to have another email address, etc. This is not reason to suspect if he is truly putting the effort in to regain your trust though. Just be careful.

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  by SuzieQ on July 20th, 2009

• i agree that no part of our relationship should have been shared. niether does the therapist we've seen. other than changing his phone and email, he now leaves his phone laying around (which he never would do) but thats basically all the changes ive seen. what could he do to help build that trust back?? im not seeing anything nor have i really asked, but truthfully i dont know what i would want him to do that could help show me. ive run out of ideas. like you said about the other email address, if he wants to talk to her he will one way or another. i also wrote http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/1551422
  after re reading this last question, im really rethinking my stand on this whole thing...

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  by lily is confused on July 21st, 2009

• Wait a second. Why aren't you on his facebook? I have to be honest, that seems very worrisome. You two are supposed to be best friends. Also, fb allows both email/wall posts and instant messaging, so why would he have anything to hide from you? How long have you been engaged?
  
  If you want to regain trust, it is said that you have to ask him to do things and he needs to follow through. Start small, like three things. It can be giving you a hug everytime you are in the kitchen, taking you on a date a week while he is home, and starting a new hobby together, for e.g. dancing. He will have to put in the effort and keep putting in the effort. Over time, trust can be re-built. Make it positive things rather than negative things (like access to his phone).

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  by SuzieQ on July 21st, 2009

• we have been engaged for 4 yrs. i sent him a msg. he said i see you everyday i didnt know i needed to fb you. i just wonder if he likes keeping things from me...gives me new things to find out about and cause us drama...

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  by lily is confused on July 21st, 2009

• It would be very difficult to know what he thinks, especially after finding out about secrets. Secrets are often hurtful, as the ones you have encountered. Has he added you to his fb yet, or is he resisting?

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  by SuzieQ on July 21st, 2009

• nope still nothing and i sent HIM a request last tuesday.

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  by lily is confused on July 21st, 2009

• What is his excuse?

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  by SuzieQ on July 21st, 2009

• just that he sees me everyday. i havnt asked him about it lately either, if i push it he'll just delete it. i was on his myspace and he deleted it and i found it again also. but he has no friends, i assume they are messaging each other.

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  by lily is confused on July 21st, 2009

• Well, that is not the best sign. I really don't want to upset you by asking you this, but why haven't you married yet?
  
  In my opinion, it doesn't matter if you see eachother every day, both of you should be open to sharing everything if you are going to spend the rest of your life together.
  
  So, to go back to the original question, unless he starts making real efforts (the easiest being adding you to fb, the hardest being re-building trust), I think you should consider scrapping it. If he starts putting effort in, then maybe re-think it if you are deeply in love with him.
  
  The one thing that has helped me is to ask myself: am I truly happy? Will I turn into someone I don't like if I stay?
  
  It all sounds very hurtful, so I am sorry to hear you are going through it all.

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  by SuzieQ on July 23rd, 2009

• He dosent want to get married. he thinks there is no reason that we need to get married. our relationship has lasted this long just living togeather, why change it now. but i wonder how much subconsiously i play a part in that to. ive been so upset about him and his ex maybe i really dont want to get married as much as i think i do. if i ask myself if im truly happy its...no, im not. i can say im really tired, exausted because of it all.

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  by lily is confused on July 24th, 2009

• It is a bit of a contradiction though, isn't it? He did propose. You do have two children - would you consider moving on? It all just seems a bit unhealthy, especially because you are so tired.

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  by SuzieQ on July 24th, 2009