What are some funny sex jokes or riddles?

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard.

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, and entered the house.

Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:

"Chinese Torture 1....Large rock on chest."

'Well, that's pretty crappy,' he thought. 'If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he, jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read:

"Chinese Torture 3....Right testicle tied to bed post."

There once was a man from Racine,
Who invented a sex machine.
It was concave and convex,
So it fit either sex,
And enjoyed itself in between.

There was a man who traveled a lot and visited a witch doctor. He noticed an item that looked like a dildo and asked the doctor about it. The doctor explained that it has the power to please his wife. The doctor told him all you have to do is say "Voodoo dildo" first, and then say what you want. The doctor demonstrated by saying "Voodoo dildo, the window". The dildo floated in the air and began thrusting the window. He said "Voodoo dildo, stop" and it floated back into the case.

So the man brought it home to his wife so she can use it while he was away traveling. He explained how to use it and when he was away she said "Voodoo dildo, my pussy". After hours of pure pleasure she was ready to go to bed. She tried to pull the dildo out but it kept thrusting her. No matter what she tried to do, she couldn't get the dildo to stop. She forgot how to get it to stop. She tried her best to get dressed with the dildo continuing. She stumbled her way to the car and drove off to the hospital to get some help.

She was driving and swerving all over the road and a police officer pulled her over. "Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?" he said. She said, "Officer, you have to help me. I have this voodoo dildo in my pussy and it won't stop! I need help." The officer looked at her as if she were trying to lie her way out of a ticket and said "Voodoo dildo my ass".

Mary Mary quite contrairy how does your garden grow? Listen you prat i live in a
flat so how the damn do i know.

Jack & Jill went up da hill 2 have a little fun.But stupid Jill forgot da pill and now
they have a son.

Mary had a little lamb & tied it to a pylon a 1000 volts shot up its ass & turned
it into nylon

Mirror Mirror on the wall.Whos the fairest of them all?The mirror laughed & den it
spat- It sure aint u.u ungly prat!

================== the more hair i lose ............... the more head i getting ............. can you give me some points THANKS

once opon a time a girl cried rape everyone in the village came to help. but she just wanted the attention. after that the villagers let it be. then the same little girl yelled rape again. all the villagers came to save her but still couldnt because there was no rape found. the next time that happened the little girl cried rape again, oh wait but this time no one came. oh yah, and theres a twist this time. 5 black rapists came to her house that day. they continued to raped her for the next 9 months(she was 9 months pregnet and about to concieve). now she lies dead in a pull full of cemen. but howd that happen. lets rewind a bit. a few days before her due date the rapists were done with her because they dont want to deal with kids. so they pulled ou their footlongs and started smackin her face and when they figured that didnt work they made plan to use her one last time. but at the end they would all stick their footlongs in her mouth all at the same time and fil her throat with cum and it choked her to death. and the rapists got away.
and thats the story of the girl that cried rape.