an englishman, an Irishman and an American walk into a bar and the bartender says:what is this? some kind of joke?

A gorilla walked into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender was amazed to hear the gorilla speak, but brought him a beer anyway. The gorilla finished the beer and handed the bartender a twenty dollar bill. The bartender just couldn't believe that a gorilla knew anything about money, so he only gave back one dollar in change. "Hope you enjoyed your beer," he said to the gorilla, "We don't get too many gorillas coming in here." "At nineteen dollars a beer," said the gorilla, "it's no wonder."

not the funniest joke but its alright: A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him. So he sets it on a table, along with a note "I spit in this beer" hoping that noone will steal it then. Upon return, he sees another note saying "Me too!"

A nose and a jumper-lead walk into a bar together. The jumper-lead orders two beers. The bartender says "No way pal." The jumper-lead, angry, says "Why the hell not?" The bartender replies "Well, your mate here is already off his face and you look like you're ready to start something..."

This mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. Barman looks at him and says, "Sorry buddy, we don't serve your kind in here!" Mushroom goes, "Why not? I'm a fungai!!" Bada-bing!

Two guys walk into a bar, but the third guy ducks.

A 3 legged dog goes in to a bar the bartender asks him is there something I can get you. The dog says, "yeah I'm looking for the man that shot my pa" (paw)

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender walks up and asks, "Why the long face?" He replies, "I'm a horse"

A rope walks into a bar and the bartender says "we don't serve ropes here." So the rope leave the bar and ties himself in a knot, and messes up his hair. When he goes back the bartenders say "Hey I thought I told you we don't serve ropes in here.", which the rope replies: "I'm a frayed knot."

A skeleton walks into a bar. Says the skeleton, “Give me two whisky please.” Says the guy behind the counter, “What the ...?!” Says the skeleton, “Oh, that’s fine, I’m with my mom, she's waiting outside.”

Three blind mice walk into a bar... obviously they have no awareness of their surroundings so to derive humour from their predicament would be cruel. A Frenchman, a Chinaman and a Pakistani man walk into a bar... isn't that a wonderful example of cultural integration in the 21st century!

From a TV commercial... A skeleton walks into a bar and says "I'd like to order a beer..and a mop"

Guy walks in a bar and yells, "All lawyers are jerks!' ANother stands up and says, "Hey, I resent that!" First guy says, "What, are you a lawyer or something?" Secnd guy says, "No, I'm a jerk!"

Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, A Smart Blonde and The Tooth Fairy all walk into the bar together and order a beer. Who does the bartender serve first? None, because none of them are real! (No hate mail please, it's only a joke! I don't really think blondes are stupid!!!)

A guy with an enormous beard walks into a bar,he orders a beer and gulps it down in no time,he gets up and starts moving out,the bartender calls out and says 'hey, you havent paid for that!' the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a badge and says 'CIA'.the bartender says,'okay,fare enough'. A few minutes later Another man with an enormous beard walks in and orders a beer,he gulps it down and starts walking out,the bartender calls out and says'mate,you havent paid for that!' the guy pulls out a badge and says'CIA'. The bartender says,'alright,thats okay'.A few minutes later another guy walkes in with a very close shave and takes a seat.he orders a beer and gulps it down in no time,he begins to walk out,the bartender calls out and says'arent you gonna pay for that?' the other guy pulls out a badge and says'CIA!',the bartender replies "but where's your beard?" the other guy comes closer and pulls down his pants and says'undercover'

A guy walks into a bar and orders six double vodkas. The bartender is like "Whoa! What happened?" The guy says, "I just found out my older brother's gay." The bartender's says, "Oh I see. That's tough." The next night, the same guy comes back and again orders six double vodkas. The bartender says, "what happened this time?!" The guy responds, "I just found out my YOUNGER brothers gay!" The bartender's like, "Oh jeez. I'm sorry." The next night, same guy, walks in, 6 double vodkas. The bartender says, "FOR CHRIST'S SAKE DOESN'T ANYONE IN YOUR FAMILY LIKE WOMEN?!" the guy responds, "YEAH. MY WIFE!" ------------------------------------------------ learned that gem in 7th grade.

two guys are sitting in a bar,one's an enourmous wrestler lets call him bob and the other guy's a dwarf lets call him tom, and their both slowly sipping their beers,then suddenly bob turns around and hits tom,who is knocked down and can hardly get back up but manages to return to his seat, bob yells out "that was a karate chop from china!" tom doesnt reply, A few minutes later Bob turns around and strikes tom again,tom is blown away and manages to return to his seat,he doesnt say anything and continues to sip his beer,bob yells out"that was a samoan spike from samoa!",A few minutes later,tom turns around and whacks bob,bob is on the floor,out cold. The bartender is looking at him in amazment,he cant beleive his eyes, then tom turns around and says to the bartender "when he wakes up,tell him that was a sledge-hammer from wal-mart".

Three ducks walk into a bar and pull up stools. The Barkeep walks over, eyes the ducks and says, "What can you possibly want?" The first duck pipes up " My name is Jimmy, I want a rum. I like to get into puddles". Taken aback, the bartender goes for the drink and can't believe his luck. A talking duck could make a lot of money for him. He returns with the rum, eyes the second duck and asks " Do you talk too?" "I sure do", replies the duck, "I'm Fred, I'd like a vodka. I like to get in puddles." The bar keep is in heaven as he gets the drink. Two talking ducks. He could make millions off these ducks. Returning to the ducks, he asks the third one, who is looking a little sad, " I just bet you talk too, don't you?" The third duck replies, "Yes, I can talk, I don't need a drink. My name is Puddles."

A guy is sitting at the bar and he tells the bartender, hey I'll bet you $20.00 dollars I can pee in that shot glass and fill it to the top without missing and getting pee all over your bar. The bartender laughs and says no way your on. So the bartender puts the shot glass in front of the man and tells him go for it. The man then stands up pulls down his zipper and starts peeing all over the bar the seats and the glasses and didn't even get one drop in the shot glass. The bartender then starts laughing and so does the guy. So the bartender tells the guy, hey, you just lost $20.00 why are you laughing, the guy replies, see those five guys back there at the table, the bartender goes yeh, the guy says I bet them $200.00 that I could pee all over your bar and make you laugh too.

A guy is sitting at the bar and tells the bartender, hey bartender, let me buy that douce bag a drink pointing to a lady at the end of the bar. The bartender replies, hey thats not nice to call people names. So the guy tells the bartender again, and yells, hey get that douce bag a drink. So finally the bartender walks over to the lady at the end of the bar and says, that guy at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, what would you like, the lady replies, get me a vinegar and water please.

This one is a little dirty so...If you dont want to read a dirty joke dont read this... A man walks into a bar and sees this sign that says "500$ if you can make the horse laugh" so the man goes back to the stall and when he comes out the bartender gives him the 500$ and asks his "how did you make the horse laugh?" the man replies "I told him that my dick is bigger than his" well the man comes back about a week later and sees another sign "500$ if you can make the horse cry" so again the man goes back to the stall and when he comes out the horses is bauling his eyes out, so the bartender gives him the 500$ and asks "how in the world did you make the horse laugh?" the man replies "I showed him my dick" i might have messed it up a llittle bit but i hope you still get it...

This guy walks into the bar and a drinker says "hello Donkey". "Hello" he replies, and orders himself a pint. The barman passes his pint across, and says, "why does he call you Donkey"? "I don't know why, heaw heaw heaways calls me that"!

A guy walks in a bar and tells the bartender, hey bartender, give me a beer, I'm celebrating today. So the bartender gives him his beer and asks the guy what are you celebrating? The guy replies, well I got my first blow job today. The bartender tells him congratulations, let me buy you a beer too. The guy replies, nah one beer should be enough to get the taste out of my mouth.

A guy walks into the bar and orders 4 triple volkas. The bartender says "What're you celebrating?" The guy says, "I just had my first kiss." The bartender says, "Must've been some dame." The guy says, "No, turned out to bea guy in drag, I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

He got a black eye? It was an Iron Bar... sorry

A baby seal walks into a club. It's a horrible and mean joke, but you gotta give its creator, whoever it is, credit for cleverness.

A drunken gambler staggers into a bar, goes to the bartender, and bets one drink that he can bite his right eye. The bartender thinks it is impossible, a sure bet, so he agrees ... the guy takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye ... after drinking his drink, the drunken gambler then bets one drink that he can lick his left eye. The bartender thinks it is impossible, a sure bet, so he agrees ... the guy takes out his glass eye and licks it ... after drinking his drink the drunken gambler then bets a million dollars that he can stand on one foot on a barstool, blindfolded, and piss into a beer bottle without spilling a single drop!!! The bartender calls the whole bar over to hear the drunken gambler repeat himself, then with all of his eager witnesses, he agrees to the bet. The drunken gambler puts on the blindfold, climbs onto the stool and starts pissing all over himself, the stool, the bar, and even in the bartender's face ... the bartender laughs and demands payment ... the drunken gambler also laughs and points at the bar's window, saying, "you see those 10 guys peeking in, they are from the bar down the street, I bet EACH of them a million bucks that not only would you serve a guy that was already drunk, you would serve me two drinks for free, and then you would let me pee in your face and all you would do is laugh."

I've written this joke already a while ago on Answerbag, but another time won't hurt. A dog goes into a bar, he is wearing an eye patch. The dog says to the bartender, "Have you heard the one about the one-eyed dog?" The bartender, who is deaf in one ear, thinks the dog is making fun of him. He asks him to leave. The dog says, "Don't you have a sense of humour, deafy?" At the end of his shift, the bartender is tired of all the jokes. Today its a one-eyed dog, yesterday it was a horse with rickets, the day before, ants. He lives above the bar in a small room. He spends the night alone there, listing to his battery operated radio, which picks up only a bad jazz station. He listens to bad jazz with his bad ear. ----------- One of the funniest jokes I've heard that doesn't have a punch line

A guy walks into a bar, orders a dozen beer, pays, drinks the 1st, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 9th, & 11th, then starts to leave ... the bartenders asks, "What about those other drinks?" ... the guy answers, "My doctor says I can only have the odd drink."

A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender. The bartender says "What can I get you?" Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes? Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd): No, I'm afraid we don't. And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar. The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool. Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you? Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes? Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren't you in here yesterday. Look buddy, we don't have any grapes. OK? The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door. The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes? The bartender is really ticked off. Bartender: Look. What's your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I'm going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT me pal? And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out. The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says, "What the heck do YOU want?" Duck: Umm. do you have any nails? Bartender: What!? Of course not. Duck: Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?

A blind man with his seeing eye dog walked into a bar. The blind man picked up the dog and swung it around and around over his head. The bartender runs up and asks, "Man, What the heck are you doing?" The blind man replies,"Just looking around."

Guy walks into the side door of a bar, hammered. Obliterated! Tries to sit down, he's sooo wasted. He orders a drink, the bartender tells him he's too drunk, kicks him out. The drunk guy's pissed, but he walks out the side door. 30 seconds later, same guy stumbles through the front door, sits down, orders a drink. The bartender says, "I already told ya, you're too drunk. Get out." The drunk guy curses, stumbles out of the bar. A minute later, the guy walks in the back door, sits down, looks at the bartender, says, "How many fuckin bars do you WORK AT!?"

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots of tequila. The bartender lines them up and the guy drinks them all very quickly. The bartender asks, "I've never seen anyone drink like that, whats up?" The guy says, "If you had what I've got, you would too." "Oh, what's that?" "Fifty cents" An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar and order a pint. A fly lands in each of their drinks. The Englishman pushes the beer away in disgust. The Scotsman plucks the fly out and resumes drinking. The Irishman holds the fly above his glass and yells, "Spit it out!"

A guy walks into a bar with a beautiful girl on each arm, orders drinks for everybody, and pays for it with a hundred dollar bill. A small man jumps out of the guys pocket, dances down the bar, and kicks over everyones drinks. So the guy pulled out another hundred dollar bill and bought everyone another drink while the little man relieved himself on the floor. The bar tender walked over to the man and demanded an explanation. The man told him "Well, I found a lamp and rubbed it and a genie came out and granted me three wishes. I told him I wanted a beautiful girl on each arm, every time I reached into my pocket, I would have a hundred dollar bill, and then I asked him for a ten inch prick".

Guy comes in with a dog. Barman says, "No, no. No dogs in the bar." "But he's a talking dog. Look, if he talks, can he stay?" "Okay, but I'll have to hear it," "Butch," the guy says to the dog, "what's the opposite of smooth?" "Ruff," says the dog. The bartender says, "Out. That's not talking." "No, wait. He really can talk, One more chance?" "OK, one more." "Butch, what covers the top of a house?" "Roof!" says the dog. "Now you're just blowing smoke," says the barman. "Get him out of here." "Aw, come on. Third time's a charm. If he really talks this time, I get a free beer. If not, I pay for a beer anyway." The barman thinks he's being set up, but now he's curious. If it's a trick, it's worth the price of a beer to hear a dog actually talk. "All right," he says, "but this is it. No more leeway." "Butch, who's the greatest baseball player that ever lived?" Butch says, "Ruth." "No! That's enough," says the barman, "Rough, roof, Ruth. Pay up and get out." Outside, the guy says to the dog, "You stupid mutt. What kind of answer is that? Ruth!" The dog shrugs. "DiMaggio?"

MacTavish walks into the pub and orders a beer. "When MacTavish drinks," he yells, "everrybody drrinks!" All the guys belly up to the bar, and the barman draws each of them a pint of stout. They all drink to MacTavish, and offer him thanks. MacTavish slaps a quid down on the bar. "And when MacTavish pays," he says, everybody pays." And he dashes out into the night.

a man wheel chaired into a bar... after a few drinks the bartender says i think you better walk home buddy or I'll call the cops... bartender was arrested for over serving

a turkey sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer...the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here!"

Three ladies go into a bar. They're all average looking, but one of them bets she can get any man she wants. So she go up to a guy and whispers in his ear. He smiles and goes home with her. The next night, she astonishes her friends by doing it again. On the third night, her friends beg her to tell them her secret. "it's easy", she says, "it works every time". Her friends ask: "What could you possibly say to a guy to get him to go home with you?" "That thing aint gonna suck itself".