ANSWERS: 6
  • More details to the question (if needed) I'm adding more information here since it limits me. I apologized and we saw each other, they told me they were still upset but slowly they forgave me. When i see them I know your not supposed to, but we made love and they were happy during it and after it. BUT, we talked about it and they said it wasn't supposed to happen and they fear of getting back together since they think it would be because I'm "attractive". But I told them I'd wait since they mean a lot to me. The cheating i told them right away what i did and it was more of an anger thing. For a month they didn't speak but then called me and asked to see me, so i did, i held them and they cried. Now were at a friendship stage but since we had sex again it's confusing. I want to get back with them and show them It was a one time mistake (i'm not the type to cheat but i was vulnerable one day after an emotional argument). What can i do to make them mine? Should i meet up with them and apologize once more or just give up and stay as a friend. I'd rather have this person in my life, to be at their side to see they are happy than give up. I'm just confused over the whole thing since I can't read their minds. Any advice please??
  • Ok... First, here's your "further explanation", if more people answer this question - http://www.answerbag.com/a_view/6042098 . Since YOU cheated, then you are suffering the consequences. Don't think it would have been easier if you HADN'T told them, because it sounds like you're the type that it would have eaten away at you, and you'd have screwed up the relationship you NOW have some other way. Now. Have you told your partner everything you told us? You need to explain that you hope some day, they will be willing to try again, but either way, you want to be in their lives, either as partners or as friends. Make sure you explain the "confused" part, but consider that if you hadn't made love, would you still feel "confused" about it? It's hard for some (and you sound like you're one of them, like me) to separate "sex" from "love". It's very possible that they were not "feeling the love" when you last had sex... That it was something that one or both of you felt you "needed" to do, but obviously, you both didn't feel the same way about it. After you talk to them about what is going on with you, try to find out what THEY are thinking/feeling about YOU. Do they EVER think that you and they will get back together? Did you screw it up? (Sorry, but that's what happened, right?) How can you prove to them that you are not like that, and that you wish you never HAD done it, and would never do it again. DO NOT push to have sex with them again. Again, it apparently means different things to each of you. And, it will confuse the issue if they want to and you allow it to happen without knowing about how they feel about you and the relationship, so I would suggest you don't allow it to happen, even if THEY instigate it. It IS possible to get back together, though without the commitment of marriage, it's MUCH more difficult. It's also possible that you could have a strong relationship, because you worked through the situation, gave each other the space you both needed, and realized that you both were meant to be together. Obviously you love them. This sounds trite, but it's very true... "If you love somebody, let them go. If they come back, you never lost them. If they leave, you never had them." Friendship is going to be tough for you, but still possible. YOU have to keep your emotions about your partner in check. As much as you love them, you have to let them work through their emotions and how they feel. It's VERY possible that it's over. But, there IS a possibility that it could work out. That's what you have to hang your hope onto. You should be able to tell if that hope needs to fade because they can't REALLY forgive you. (They may have, but it's too "fresh" to forget it enough to keep going.) If you DO get back together, remember how you feel NOW, and never cause it to happen again. They may be feeling exactly the same thing. If that is the case, take it as a lesson, and never allow yourself to become "emotionally vulnerable" as you did here. I don't mean don't be emotional, but don't allow yourself to be used by someone outside of the relationship, as you did here. Yes... Someone holding you feels good, but remember what happened when you let it happen before. Relationships happen because you can communicate, and you feel empathy, sympathy, and love for the other. You CARE what they feel and think. It will help YOU to find out what THEY are feeling about the relationship continuing "as is" or if they can take it back up another notch again. Talk to them. That's the best thing you can do, right now. Get through the discussion, and then leave it to them. NO ULTIMATUMS. Remember that YOU are the one who cheated. And what happens before you recommit to each other - especially if THEY "go out" with someone else - shouldn't matter to you. Once that commitment is there, again, though (if it returns)... Either way, you will get through it stronger, and, hopefully, a better person for the lessons learned. Good luck. ;-)
  • I think I do have a self esteem issue, it's because most people now-a-days want women with full chests and a brain. I don't have the chest soo....... yeah. I can find better I'm sure but for now my heart is glued onto the thoughts of him. I fear I won't get over this until the end of this year, i got him an awesome birthday present(I knew exactly what he wanted) and for my bday he didn't even call. Finding a good man is just as hard as finding good hearts, everyone around me is superficial into looks and wealth. I write down everything i wanna say to him in a notebook because i can't say it to his face, when i express how much he means he says "Oh thats nice" or "I dunno what to say". It's fine actually speaking about it makes me feel better and you got more logical sense than I do.
  • Thank you very much for your help. Something quite funny happened recently that made me realize something I been avoiding about my ex. I been spoiling him, being there for him etc. When he told me to see him and stuff... I told him I'm not his girlfriend and it's not my job to do what he requested. Then he comes to say he's frustrated and also wants to cuddle. Now, in my mind it sounded like "You still look good and useful to me so lets go fool around one more time, oh and to not seem like an a-hole lets cuddle". he actually continued lewd comments and statements of him wanting anything (direct quote "if stds and prostitutes weren't bad Id do them") I just can't believe he'd say it. Everything has been put into perspective, if he was really interested he would take the time to talk to me.... I feel discouraged, i don't even wanna see him. It's like i feel so disillusioned.... But thanks again, wonderful advice. Now I'm starting to truly heal. First loves are tough, think the world of them, think no one can compare and run back to them if they show the slightest compassion.... and to think some days ago i was gonna break down and beg.... I think crying everything out helped. Now I have another problem on my hands :o.
  • People do make mistakes and it is up to the other person to forgive you and want to be with you. In the mean time you just need to show that you are truly sorry and sincere without being to pushy.
  • You've apologized once, you don't need to do it again. You've explained it was a one-time thing, now you want to prove it, but that will take time: years. For now, you just have to be patient. Try to keep the lines of communication open. If your ex thinks you had sex too soon, then be conscious about taking it slow. Spend time together, go out for lunch and to movies and for walks and shopping, or whatever it is you used to do. Spend time building the intimacy between you again. If things get physical, say that you want to take things slow, until he/she trusts you, trusts his/her feelings for you, and wants to be with you again. Good luck!

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