As a short story I think this has some good things going for it. However, it also embraces some of the more common, obvious and predictable attributes of erotic writing.
The most glaring fault I find is that you TOLD us everything...you didn't exactly paint an emotional picture that led me to feeling what your characters felt.
This is one of the hardest things about writing a story, erotic or otherwise.
It's about putting your reader in the position of empathizing so strongly with your characters that instead of the writer TELLING everything, the reader connects and feels what the characters are feeling.
This is especially hard to do with a Short Story, where you clearly do not have a lot of time for Character development. You didn't even tell us who they were until the end.
Clearly, I sensed that Greg wasn't just a typical "Horn-dawg," he has feelings for Ashlynn, he is both attracted to her physically, and emotionally.
Ashlynn, however, I'm not so sure of. She came off as a bit cold and opportunistic.
The slant of the story is purely Male. In real life, unless there has been some pretty strong emotional stimulus going on, the majority of women are not going to shift from -0- to -60- at light speed in a sexual way. UNLESS... it is the type of woman who has the mentality of a sexual predictor, and while assuredly, Ashlynn COULD be that type of woman, that would not be congruent with the "sweet, innocent" girl that Greg mentally projects as perhaps being someone to cherish and protect, which he does.
I'm going to see if I can show you with this paragraph what I'm talking about.
Your paragraph:
He slowly undid the shirt with his teeth exposing her orange bra. He slid the shirt off her back kissing her on the forehead as he did so. The snaps on the bra came free easily as they embraced in a passionate kiss. Her breasts sprang free when he pulled the bra down her arms. He took his time; kissing all over both of them sucking and nibbling the nipples like she had told him had happened in high school that had made her crazy as she was now.
My rewrite:
The scent of her perfume was light, yet seductive, and it further aroused him when he kissed his way down from her neck to where the buttons of her shirt began. Greg inhaled as he tugged at the first button with his teeth, the fabric of her shirt felt slightly rough against his lips and even in the wan lights he could see the bright orange of her bra as the shirt opened under his efforts. It was soft, silky fullness everywhere but for the bit of lace trim; and what it contained was even softer, more silky and warm when he pressed his lips to her there. With no little effort he pulled the hooks free in the back and felt the bra give way, her lush warmth falling from their enclosures. Everything slowed as he took his time; kissing all over both breasts, savoring each nipple to satisfy both his increasing desire and that memory that she had shared from her first experience in High School. Greg remembered how she had told him it made her crazy at the time and he hoped to bring her to the same level of heat now.
Granted, mine is longer and if your offering is on a limited word production, that has to be taken into account. But, do you get a sense of a picture being painted, more than just words being read? Does it evoke any personal experiences you may have had, felt?
My goal is not only to progress the story, but to push you to remember from your own life; or experience EVERYTHING happening between them. You've already told us that Greg is a sensitive and caring person and that Ashlynn MATTERS to him, she's not just an opportunity to him to get laid...he CARES about her, this is a big deal to him that he hoped for, but didn't know if it might ever happen.
I think the hardest part about writing erotic scenes is avoiding the stereotypical tripe that has become associated with erotic writing.
In my own book, Dante's Secret, it was a challenge since not only did I want to avoid the "usual" buzz words found in your typical Harlequin Romance, but I was also dealing with a time period where all of the "rules of romance" were different from Modern times. I wanted "heat" but I had to allow my Characters to STAY true to who and what they were...without the use of "bulging, throbbing" and other predictable verbiage.
I think it must always be a challenge to write about sex. We have to decide if our goal is to be blatantly and bluntly hard-edged, crass, or tender, and caring, yet still smoking hot and sexual. I solved my problem by having a good guy and a very bad guy.
I think this has a lot of potential, but I think you could improve it, clarify it a bit still, and make us have some stronger feelings about Ashlynn...is she a nice girl worthy of Greg's affections, or is she someone we may not like as much? Try to make them REAL people...don't TELL us, SHOW us.
Comments
o__o O__o O__O THAT IS SO FREAKING AWESOME!!! Do you have pictuess or video of this playtime. lol
by Fading_Away_Into_The_Past on March 16th, 2009
lol:D
i really liked the story haha.
by dontuwishuknew on March 16th, 2009
You have to be at least 18, aren't you, if not good gravy how do you look so 18 and developed.
by Fading_Away_Into_The_Past on March 16th, 2009
no actually lol thanks
try 4 years younger ha:D
by dontuwishuknew on March 17th, 2009