- NEW!
by stealingkidneys on February 14th, 2009
Selected by the asker, Mexico Dude. (What's this?)
ok im sry but i gotta tell these.....A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"
by Seanzie is smiling again on January 26th, 2009
A little boy was so happy that it was his birthday. He ran to his father, and said "Today is my birthday! Can you guess how old I am?" his father said he wasn't sure, so the boy said "I'm eleven years old!" His father responded "Thats great! Why don't you go tell you grandma?"
The little ran to grandama yelling "Guess how old I am today?"
The grandma, without a word, put one hand on the boys shoulder, and stuck the other down his pants. She grabbed his left testicle, and rolled it, squeezed it, pulled it, and played with it. Then she did the same to the right testicle. Then she grabbed his penis, and played with that too. Last, but not least, she inserted a pinky into his anus. She pulled her hand from his pants, rubbed her hands together, then inhaled the smell from her hands.
She then told the boy "You are eleven years old today."
The stunned little boy ask "how did you figure that out by playing with me?"
The grandma said "I didn't. I heard you tell your father."
by josh on January 22nd, 2009
sand paper sally...
it's disgusting.
by altgirl84 on February 14th, 2009
Man there's a lot lol, can't choose. Here's one tho:
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00.
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.
by stealingkidneys on February 14th, 2009
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.,,,,,,,There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming." hahaha if you want i have a TON more just comment and ill tell some more
by Pixie - jeg er elsket on January 22nd, 2009
'Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Cow fell in the mud'
LOL, i came from a very conservative background, that was the 'dirty joke' i was raised on XD
When you asked, it reminded me of it ^_^
by moonchild wears a COAT of shadows on January 23rd, 2009
I cant think of any but you can tell me one if you like
by Anymousee on November 27th, 2009
Okay, prepare yourself....
Two men are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says,
"You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks. "Green?".
"No," says the first. "A bit sour."
by subhrajit on April 25th, 2009
three ladies talking about their hubbies
lady 1: i am very disappopinted with my husband.
Lady 1 & 2: why
lady 1; he is a engineer.and always erect , erect and erect.
lady 2 : i am in more troubler situation than u
Lady1 & 2 :Why
2nd: mine is a doctor.....alway inject inject and inject
3rd: both of u r lucky. mine is a lawyer.............alwys postpone. post pone and post pone
by bazza on April 25th, 2009
There was a man from Kent, who's penis, in the middle was bent, to save himself trouble, he put it in double and instead of cumming, he went?????
by jerryperris on November 27th, 2009
-------->NOT REALLY A JOKE BUT IT FUNNY <---------> .............THE MORE HAIR I LOSE ..... THE MORE HEAD I GET
it something all guys that are going bald need to know
What's the similarity between an Essex girl and a Rolls Royce Silver Lady..... hehe..
by nice jugs on November 19th, 2011
| 1 person likes this
ThWlkngDed- this man is a non-sense person ;) comment if u are AGREE !
by clearstone on December 14th, 2011
| 1 person likes this
Can you tell me a good dirty joke? I'm in the mood to laugh. :)
by Shelly_R on November 4th, 2011
| 1 person likes this
Your Uncle Jack left town this morning. Why did you get up early?
by N'anderthal on December 7th, 2011
| 1 person likes this
where can i find the tosh.0 video of the dog trick "show me your penis"?
by stp on November 4th, 2011
| 1 person likes this
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