no one deserves to be treated like you have been and try to remember you can do better than this. at the moment you are probably feeling vunerable but in time you will realise what a idiot he is and you wont even think twice about him

ive been there done that its not easy but you made the rite choice to leave.i never had the unbeleif problum cus i had(and still have marks) to prove it. but if you ever start to think that mabey it waznt abuse or beleive that you were wrong think about all the he put you through and ask your self"is that how i want to spend the rest of my life?" hope ive helped good luck

Yes, he did abuse you. You did the right thing by leaving him. If you had waited it could have gotten dangerous for you. Only time and distance will make you feel the loneliness less. Be assured you did the right thing. Maybe there is someone or some place near you that can offer you help with this. It may be worth a try. I'll keep you and him in my prayers.

You don't need any more words from AB, or anyone else. You need action. Now, get to it. You are in my prayers.

Youve finally taken a stand for you! Congrats! You knew deep down that enough was enough! Whether the abuse was physical or emotional you realized it. It is hard to stick up for yourself, the uncertainy of where you go from now is probably got you thinking, "am i sure i did the right thing"? Take a stand back and look at what you just did. You finally got your independance back, and for that you should be plenty proud, cuz you can do anything, you yourself just proved that to yourself! Keep your head held high and give yourself a pat on the back! Stand tall, aint nothing stopping you whatever you put your mind to!

You did absolutly the right thing, I am certain right now your self esteem is low and you are uncertain. Remember you are not a punching bag, nor are you worthless. Today is the first day of the rest of your life that you don't have to live in fear and be hurt anymore. Remember the person you used to be before all this happened and move forward with your life and don't look back. Cheers girl and god be with you.

Yeah for you. You did the hardest thing you could and now you're on to the rest of your life. You wre abused and he doesn't deserve you. Go out there and find the person who does. I'm not saying it's not going to be hard, but in the end you'll be stronger if you don't go back.

Hang in there, It is hard to break the routine of it all. But it is abuse and When you find someone that cares for you, Loves you and respects you, (and You will... if you tough it out through this feeling ) you will wonder why you thought he was worth all your time. That was wasted on him! When you find that someone that truly Loves you, You will never waste your time on Men like this. Hang in there a good man is worth the wait.

I didn't help you last time but i just read the question. The whole thing about getting over someone is looking at them in a different light. I think its one of the hardest steps...because you need to see him in a negative light. Every positive thought you have to change. With my ex who was somewhat like urs, i'd have a picture of him in my mind and then picture him swearing at me and treating me like shit. You see all the good things that maybe you guys shared are non existent. Just straight up continously say these two words...FUCK HIM. Sometimes the worst words in the english language feel good to yell out at the right moment haha. So here is your reassurance. You're better than him, more worthy than him, more compassionate them him, and all around way too smart for him. Girl you've already got down that you know you need to start believing the truth, and the truth is, he's history! So leave, just walk away. It's harder said than done, but when its all over, it will feel too good to be true. Because you will have defeated the monster in your life and in your head. Good luck! Let me know how it goes. Good for you for realizing its no good!

You've finally taken a stand for you! Congrats! You knew deep down that enough was enough! Whether the abuse was physical or emotional you realized it. It is hard to stick up for yourself, the uncertainty of where you go from now is probably got you thinking, "am i sure i did the right thing"? Take a stand back and look at what you just did. You finally got your independence back, and for that you should be plenty proud, cuz you can do anything, you yourself just proved that to yourself! Keep your head held high and give yourself a pat on the back! Stand tall, aint nothing stopping you whatever you put your mind to! Remeber the cure for a man is another man (or woman), dont just get down on yourself and lock yourself in, get out of the house, go to the park go for a walk, there is plenty of stuff you can do that is free and will allow you to meet other people, also remember time heals everything, this also shall pass just keep a stiff upper lip, good luck.

you have to love yourself more...in my situation it took 5 years of abuse, and trust me when i say it starts with the small things, pulling hair as you said, pushing, but it always ends with you trying to hide the bruises and not even knowing who you are anymore. I missed him a lot for a while, well, a very long time, but now i wish i had used my time with him doing somthing way better than gettin my ass beat. You did better than me, an im proud of anyone who has the couragento do it at all, but you did really good to go when you did.....good luck

I once dated a guy who spit in my face, told me he hated me very loudly in front of a teacher, opened my car door and told me to get out and walk home, threw my books off of my desk. . . All this and I stayed with him over a year. It is abuse, but it's the security issue that made me stay. In my case, it was something I had to deal with on a day-by-day basis. I, as well as friends and family, kept reminding myself that no matter how much I missed him, it was unhealthy and could have gotten much worse. Think of what could have happened if you had stayed. Verbal abuse could've turned to extremely physical abuse and you could have ended up in very bad shape. Time is your best friend, and one of the best things to help you get over him.

After the break up you feel the following (sometimes for years later!!!).... Denial- After the break up, you may not want to believe it was abuse or that he never really loved you. Bargaining- You start telling yourself if you had just loved him better he would've been good to you. You want to call him just this once. Rage- You realize you were abused. You have nightmares about him or you feel like you hate men. You're pissed. Depression- You may feel as if you can't love again. You may feel guilt, shame or regret. You feel great loss, failure. Acceptance-You've come to terms with the reality of the situation. You've learned from it. You think about it less and move on. At this point you have still not healed - I hear the pain in you and the disbelief that he is getting married (again!) But stay strong - recognize the reasons you feel as you do and move on - he has! Besides, it will give you a new lease on life! Be HAPPY because now you have learned what happened, you removed yourself, and you KNOW what you want and will not tolerate! There's someone out there who will earn and deserve a woman like you!

You say you KNOW it was abuse - therefore you do believe it or you would have said "I don't know if it was abuse or not, I'm not sure". What do you need reassurance about?

It was abuse. I just got out of an abusive relationship and I am feeling the same way. I need reassurance from my friends and family that it was abuse...and mine was and yours is. Try not think that way...even though it is extremely hard to do.

The only thing I would add to all the good advice you've received is a suggestion that you see a professional counselor and/or join a support group. This will keep you strong in your resolve. You did the right thing!

DO NOT BELIEVE HIM. PLEASE DO NOT RETURN TO HIM unless you give him an ultimatum that says: Not unless he gets counseling from an anger counselor for 2 times a week for at least 3 months. Then and only then should you even consider to return. You did not say whether you have childrn, but if you do, they need counseling now, or to go weekly at least to Al-Ateen so that they can begin to recover from the terror and emotional pain already done to him. Even with counseling and Al-Ateen, they may carry that pain all of their lives, and may abuse their own family. Don't go back now...Have a happier life. " It was like sitting in a giant ice block in a shadowy room. I was freezing-cold and dark fear surrounded me and filled my body and soul. I can still hear my little brother crying and begging, “Daddy, please don’t shoot Mama. Please don’t.” His words spoke my thoughts and the tears in his eyes mirrored mine that Sunday afternoon. He squeezed my hand and both of us were trembling. The shotgun that our father pointed at our mother’s head was like a giant canon. We were prisoners of war that day, 52 years ago. Daddy, 34, was a good and loving man when he was sober. He was a weekend binge-drinking alcoholic who always stayed out until his favorite bar closed every Friday and Saturday night. He didn’t store his whiskey or beer in the house but we knew that he kept a bottle hidden somewhere in the garage, garden shed, or a similar hideaway. When we arrived home from attending church that day, he was drunk---not happy-drunk, but mean-drunk. Mother, 32, always prepared part of the Sunday dinner before we left for church. Consequently, it didn’t take very long to serve it. She asked me to help with the task, I believe, more because she didn’t want to be alone with Daddy than because she needed my help. My sister and brothers disappeared somewhere until called in for dinner. Everybody wanted to avoid being near the “drunk.” A study by the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse found that “Children of substance-abusing parents are almost three times more likely to be abused and more than four times more likely to be neglected than children of parents who are not substance abusers.” Add to that the fact that children of alcoholics, especially the oldest child, often become adults who are substance abusers. And, they often replicate their parent’s domestic violence. The horrific scene of that Sunday afternoon is still etched in my memory and stamped on my heart. Four prisoners-of-war, ages 9 to 14, we were sitting on the couch in our living room watching our father and our mother, the fifth POW, sitting in chairs facing us while he held the barrel of a loaded shotgun aimed at her face. Every day, children are held hostage, terrified and abused in their homes. The abuse is physical, psychological, emotional, and verbal; just as it was in our home. When parents terrorize their children, the severe emotional child abuse is traumatic and invisible. A report by the Florida Center for Parent Involvement says, “Although emotional abuse can hurt as much as physical abuse, it can be harder to identify because the marks are left on the inside instead of the outside.” Can be read at www.selfgrowth.com by typing in Fear Imprisons the Hearts of Children (I wrote it and give permission for the above section of it to be used on this question and site.) The first year of marriage my husband hit me one afternoon and I demanded strongly that 'ever again' and I will leave you. I had learned that week that I was pregnant. The 13th year of our marriage, he hit and almost strangled me to death twice in one month just after arriving home from 'counseling' with our paster after we had had a dozen appointments together. Two of our children heard all from their room downstairs and also they talked about it. (I learned that after the divorce.) The emotional damage to them was hurtful and unforgetable. I left the next day with our 4 year old and the divorce and sale of our home (a true loss for older children) and moved to the next town. He had every other weekend visitation and every return of the children ended with an argument. Fear of his sudden anger or being killed as several area women and children had been killed, I moved two states away, " back home" then great job, moving to job, staying two years until the 1% tax initiative was voted on and I was the highest level that the City of Davis, California had to terminate so I returned to Idaho. The anger never happened again. In fact the second year back, I invited him in for Christmas dinner with all the family when oldest child was 15. Those two children were always affected by the fear and the divorce but the fear of pain never left them, even with a lot of counseling later. It happened two evening but had traumatized the them My youngest daughter, has often told me, "Mom, thanks for raising me as a single mom. I'm glad I wasn't mixed up like my brother and sister. Besides, you taught me to how to be the good mom I am today. And thank you because I now understand how much you love me then and now---because I love my precious daughter, 3 months old. (and that love and wonderful mothering has continued.) Read my article about this at writing.com under best4writing) Truly, it was in the best interest of my children that I divorce for their sake instead of staying with a sudden hot-temptered husband. Same will be true for your children

Well I'm sure she will. Don't even think about warning her. She will just think you want him back. When i left my ex he found another girlfriend too. He's in prison for her murder, that could be you too. I thank God everyday that i got out! Move on honey, you've gotta lot of living to do.

Just look in the mirror every day and say to yourself, you don't need him. You are worthy of a good man. Love yourself and take care of you ! Do things that you truly enjoy. You are worth something ! I know it is hard, for you have had strong feelings for him, even though he was not healthy for you to be around. Also, tell yourself that he is not worth the time of day. Keep on smiling and loving you and life ! God bless you !

Dear Annonymous: I re-send this 'paper' to you. Maybe you miss 'the excitement,' maybe because of difficult childhood you somehow believe this is a 'regular' way people act. Honey, it is not 'regular' by any stretch of the imagination! I know others here have, as you mentioned, helped you before, and you are still asking for assurance. Everyone at some point or another in their lives needs support. But, NO ONE but you 'can make the difference!' For you, with all my heart and soul, I send you this 'reprint' of mine. I wish you only the best: you deserve it because you too can believe it! You and only you, must take the first steps: I have the sense that many people do not take the time to consider what they have to offer in a relationship nor what they actually want in one. I use to walk in these shoes. A few years after a divorce, a friend suggested I do the “assignment” which follows here. Probably, like most people, I was dating somewhat haphazardly, never really understanding that there were considerations that might help me get focused. Actually, at that time, I didn’t think I needed to be focused: I thought, “If it’s meant to be ... it will [magically] just happen!’ What follows are the instructions for a written “assignment” for those of you who are wondering, “What do I have to do to be in a good relationship?” With encouragement, humbly I say, “Just try it.” While there are never any certainties in life, I pass on this self awareness technique and will tell you what it genuinely did for me later: Before you begin, always remember that this, your written document, is for your eyes only! It is meant to clarify your own personal thinking and is not meant to literally share with anyone else. Purchase a blank, lined yellow legal pad. At the top of the first page, write: “MY FANTASY MAN [or Woman]” Write down the following subtext just beneath the title; this is the focus of what you will write: “I DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS TO ANYONE ELSE! I ONLY KNOW THAT WHICH MAKES ME HAPPY AND CONTENT MORE TIME THAN NOT. AS I UNDERSTAND THIS ABOUT MYSELF, I ONLY WRITE WHAT I HAVE TO HAVE TO BRING THIS REALITY INTO MY LIFE NOW.” Without any judgment from your own inner “voices,” (remember this is “fantasy,” right?) start listing everything you can think of that resonates with the title and subtitle, referring to them frequently, lest you get sidetracked by your own self doubting or self-critical thinking. Then, you begin to make a list of these “have-to-have’s” clearly remembering to focus on only those traits, behaviors, characteristics, actions and qualities that have importance to you! This written exercise is like a form of stream-of-consciousness. What you are looking for and how you write about it will be quite different than anyone else. This is as it should be; everyone has different wants. There is only one you, unique and special in your very own way. The rest of the written assignment goes like this: • Continue to make your list, one item per line • This is done in one sitting only! Trust the process. • Afterward, take your “wants” pad and put it away in a desk or drawer ... • The "rule" given to me was Let it BE [put away] for three days, without looking it over again or adding anything more. Trust yourself and do not second guess: most likely your want is in there, in one form of a sentence or another. • On the fourth day, review each and every want, then ... With a colored highlighter pen, CIRCLE ONLY those qualities that you have to have and that fulfills the subtext of the exercise. No compromises. ---- For me personally, what happened as a consequence of doing this exercise: • I got completely and utterly clear about who I was: what I was wanting was not a fantasy. Most wants were fairly rational. • I understood what I wanted from a relationship. • I had to hold myself responsible to meet these standards too! • I got to understand that the things that weren't highlighted in the assignment were negotiable. • It settled for me that even the most intellectually and/or emotionally available man was not necessarily "datable" just because I wanted “company.” And, that maybe I was dating sometimes to avoid developing myself. • I realized that I could honor each individual person. There were no “wrong” men ... just ones not “right for me.” • I could honor my own choices and be free from comparison. • I could be honest about my intentions right from the beginning and they with me without worry. • This could serve and save both of us unproductive time, choosing not to “waste” their precious time or mine. • The word "potential" is bullshit. • It is not my job or my right to change anyone else. I could be completely aware of what I was getting into • No more ... "Let's wait and see!!!!" Trust this exercise. Personally, for me it was truly profound. Truth is, none of us really “need” to be in a relationship. We can function without one. However, if you are “looking” ... decide that you (like I) must be clear in thought, word and deed, with no mixed messages or surprises later. Life has a way of delivering challenges anyway. Hopefully, this exercise will give you your own clarity about who you are and who you choose to date or spend a life with. --- After doing this exercise, I returned more focused on not only myself, but on my kids. I returned to my own professional work and creativity with much renewed vigor! I continued to develop my own talents. And, I wanted to answer YES to the question, “Are you the person you want to marry?” After all, it was only fair! I met my beloved Eric four months later! We will be celebrating our 25th anniversary this year. More importantly, we still on our honeymoon ... no kidding! Recently, while at lunch with a bunch of friends, everyone was talking about the “one thing they would change in their mate.” When I was asked, I said, “I would not change one thing about him. I would never want him to be someone else.” This was true in the beginning and it is still true now. I have never felt so independent or privileged.

I've been reading alot of these questions and concerns, and it's the same old same old. PEOPLE ARE AFRAID TO BE ALONE, NOONE TO LOVE THEM. If you feel lonely or misplaced, take some time (1 second or 1 year however long it takes you)to think about how much you love yourself. People tend to get USE to the person thier with, when in fact, thier not in love at all, just used to the situation of being with someone. I like to call it the "Someone loves me syndrom". STEP BACK FROM THIS AND REMEMBER HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE WITHOUT A PARTNER!! AND WE ARE STRONG, THERE IS NO NEED FOR HIM/HER, I have whats most important, ME.

OK i have been there before, but the diffrence is I have never been physically abused. to me the worst kind of abuse is the emotional and mental, because you dont know the scars are there and how deep they go. Yes it took me a long time to get over it. And threw my own investigating i have found that he has used so many people beside me and know he is currently living with someone whom he is obviously using. Low self esteem and self worth, that is what they look for. Women that appear to be desperate. You are a good person I am sure. Know that you see what has truely happend you can finally start to heal, and it will take some time, but in the end you will feel so much better. dont be in a hurry, take your time.

Is this still happening???

Hello hello hello. I dont know if I have answered you before - I only just signed up here the other day - I am feeling your EXACT feeling. I was with my man for ONLY a bit over a year - thing is we were GOOD FRIENDS for 15 years before hand and I helped him through severeal relationship break ups etc.... so for me to THEN find out that he was EXTREMELY emotionally abusive.... was a real blow - like - HUGE slap in the face.... I am currently struggling to accept that the man I thought I knew turned out to be a right prick.... I know what you are going through. Its hard to accept.... but one day - you will just accept it - as I hope I will. Now when I look at photos of my ex - I can see it so clearly in his eye that he was mean.... I dont know why I didnt see it before.... Chin up - you have to accept it and STOP WISHING that it didnt happen - because it did. You WANT it not to be true - just as much as I dont - but it is - and it always will be...... you will get through this. xxxxxxx