Answer to:
What was one of Cato's deceptive ploys when fighting with the Inspector Clouseau? / My favorite was Cato hiding in the refrigerator. He was in there for quite some time because he had frost on his hair. I'll never get over that.

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Would you eat a pizza for breakfast?? Yes and I now eat pancakes at McDonalds for dinner because now they serve it 24 hours!

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What farm animal do you eat like? As in the movement of your jaws and not your diet. The chomping motion like a crocodile. One time I was sitting at the table about to eat some spaghetti when all of a sudden I started to thrash around. I eventually stopped and found myself laying on top of the table wrapped in spaghetti. That sucked because I still haven't consumed the spaghetti.

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Those of you who bite your fingernails do you also bite your toenails? I know what you're trying to do, it's the socks isn't it? I know a ploy when I see one.

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Burst out_____________? Like I'm an alien who's after Sigourny Weaver..................

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what do you think of jumping off a plane to hang glide? i was wondering that for a loong time, and also afraid of heights Just be careful.........start small.........I jumped out of the plane when I realized I had forgotten my parachute. When I graduated to the hang glider, a 747 smacked me in my crotch......................so please be prepared.

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Have you met a super-prude who gets upset if you say something like "breast of chicken?" Sounds like a damn good bowl of soup to me........The hell with the super prudes.

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is it bad to pee in the shower? In the words of George Costanza..........Their just pipes!

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Can an animal have bipolar disorder? No....I would say us Humans have inherited all the Bipolarness....

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Would banging your head repeatedly against a wall be an effective cure for a hangover? more like an effective cure for stupidity..................

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Does E.T. smoke marijuana? Don't ever pull his finger when he asks you to...............

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I have OCD. And a really annoying need for perfection. How can I accept my wife's body after she gives birth? I don't want to be like this OCD is real disorder so I can sympathize..........There is no reasoning when it comes to OCD. So I can imagine the comments that will come your way. I'm hoping that you and your wife can find a way to deal with this..........like you both have found a way to deal with it before she got pregnant.

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Reasons why he doesn't want to tell me the truth? The main reason is that you keep on talking about Loreena Bobbit with a smile on your face............

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Who would you say is the most organised in your family ? Sorry but my family isn't in to organized crime..

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The name of this plant is called ____________? Penis fly trap..............

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Did Ron Howard ever admit to being embarrassed by his weird brother "Clint?" (AKA Balok) Well if he was..............his daughter more than made up for it. She is breathtakingly beautiful and a talented actress.

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how to break the physical barrier with the girl..!!?? Being physical should happen naturally, spontaneously. There is no how-to-book.............If you try to get physical in the first 10 minutes then you need to make this a reality show.

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What is the hardest part of your day? A co-worker who eats Korean food and I can smell him 15 feet away..........................

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Have you ever felt " ashamed " of yourself for any reason? Yes.......once I changed my socks and I will never do that again.

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How do u kick a spouse out if he goes against y i told him.not to buy a boat and he did He bought it, he can go live in it.............be interesting how the bathroom situation turns out.

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I've got 99 problems but a ______________ain't one. =D bottle of beer........................unless you add 98.

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Do you put your napkin in your lap when you eat? I don't wear clothes when I eat.............so that I can immediately run into the shower. Yes it's more difficult when going out to eat............I'm working on solving that.

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why are apples red ? is it because the farmer started to bleed on the seeds ? or is it something different ? Yes and they are green because he was picking his nose......................

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Everyone knows that when you reheat a hard boiled egg say 30 seconds it will explode. Everyone also knows when you eat 30 hard boiled eggs..... you will sit on the toilet and explode.

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Do you collect your ear wax in a jar or plastic container? neither...........It continues to collect in my ear which is why I can't hear.

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Do you have a hanging belly I'm working on some hanging buttocks..................and 1 side hangs more than the other...I haven't figured that out yet.

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What is the last thing that someone did /said, that made you think to yourself " thats really impressive" ? A certain person who said that her couch was a 9..............................That my friend, is one HELL of a couch. I will definetely check it for spare change.

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Some people are born to be evil - True or false? True...................That is why there is no socks in my dresser.

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My friend is remodeling his bathroom & putting in a bidet. Is there protocol for using a bidet? How will he tell his guests? Telling guests? Are you kidding me? my protocol is that guests don't find out until I use my remote control............................

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What's something you should NOT say to a new home owner? The murders that happened here were thought to be accidental...............

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What do you view as extremely brutal? Why? Someone who ties my hands above my head, tickles my ribs while spitting skittles at me...................

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Would you let Lady Gaga sodomize you with a broken glowstick? Why not............she already had her way with me with her disco stick.

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How do you tend to feel at wedding ceremonies? Why? Sore...........look, I can't help that I'm addicted to wedding cake.

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When was the last time you whacked a piñata? What fell out, if anything? and there is always someone who has to try and hold the pinata.....................it wasn't candy that was pouring out.

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What would you do if your best friend told you they don't want to be your friend anymore? oh? and I was about to tell you I won the Mega Millions lottery Jackpot..................

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What do you think of a person that always says; "Beer always tastes better when someone else pays for it". I think that at the end of the night, we should make sure he gets the bill.........................

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If someone told you he or she is not controlling, but then he or she slapped you until you said that he or she isn't, what would you think? I would tell her that this tickling thing has really got out of hand............and I'd tell her she slaps like a girl.

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how often do you have to call your own cellphone to find it? Not much.........However, I do call it at times because I'm lonely.

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Do you ever have a dream that you have more than 2 nostrils? It's not a dream, it's a nightmare...................because the tissue I have is no bigger than my thumb nail.

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What would you do if an animal was coming after you to have you for supper? Could a turtle be considered an animal? If the answer is yes then I would play Fruit Ninja on my I-Phone.

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How do you feel about baseball? Why? What's on first? NO! Who's on first........................

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What can be done to encourage artists to use language that is inappropriate for younger age groups? that would be...................Nothing!

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How much lecturing can you tolerate? ....................WHAT!

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What's the worst advice yoh ever took? It's ok to feed that alligator............

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There's a hole in my trousers. Should I keep wearing it out if laziness? no.................keep wearing it out of pride.

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What does it mean when someone says "Get in my belly"? That was me answering the question if I will be eating the 3rd donut........................

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Do you pick your nose in the privacy of your home? No......in the privacy of yours............Thats not gum underneath your table.

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Are you a worrywort? On a scale of 1-10 ( 10 = pass the medication)? No and I don't like anything about Harry Potter................

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If "Death" shows up at the door, what will you say? I'm tired of you picking Brad Pitt all time..............Haven't you over done the Joe Black thing?

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Men, what's the sexist thing to you about going down on a woman? How often would u do it? She turns on Sportscenter..............................everytime she turns on Sportscenter.

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What is something you should NOT say to someone the first time you meet them? So when is the baby due?........................(I'm not pregnant)

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What does your underwear smell like? Worse than my socks..............

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How did gandolf the grey become gandolf the white He used Downy Fresh bleach in his laundry.................................

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Are all destined to end up in the old baggers retirement home? What do you think the social activities will be? I will be in the OB retirement home playing poker for those miracle blue pills...................

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Did you take my bananas? No but Nancy B is nowhere to be found and the bananas are missing...................that's a little to coincidental for me.........................

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What if you saw a Klingon Bird-of-prey decloaking over your house? I'd think that William Shatner would have something more interesting to do than his one man show........................

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What or who did you last fall victim to? Why? That would have to be Nancy.............She just told me she was going to tie my hands above my head. Why?......... because it's a stick up.................what else would it be?

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If it's after midnight and you don't want to go home yet, where do you go? I go to Denny's, order the Quacomole breakfast burrito and watch the people laugh at me with all the quacomole on my chin and lap. Who wants to go to Denny's?

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What do you say: Soda or Pop? Bag or Sack? Couch or Sofa? Both or neither? I say: There will be no drinking soda on my couch or I will be hitting you in the sack.

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Are you hoping to squeeze in a banana by the end of the day? Not sure, but let me ask Gwen Stefani..........................Smack! banana hits me in the head.

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When I say "________", you ____________. When I say "Groovy" you better punch me in the head.............

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Are women bakers more at risk for yeast infections? In other words, is it the same sort of yeast? also the cause of Urinary Tract Infections because women bakers don't wash their hands before going tinkle.................................

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If your tree branches reach out beyond you fence your neighbors tried to cut it but got hurt in the process are you Liable? During a hurricane, my neighbors tree caused 30,000 dollars worth of damage.......and he wasn't responsible. Your neighbor trying to cut it doesn't seem to be an act of GOD so I HAVE NO F..KING CLUE!

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Wayne Newton called..he wants _____________________ George Hamilton's tan back................

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Quick...name a food that begins with the letter O? Oscar Mayer WEINER!

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New taxi cabs in New York will be pea green? Why are they getting rid of yellow cabs? Thats because I got food poisening when I was at "Dennys" and it looked alot like green pea.....and it guess it stuck.

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Why was a 70 year old woman in Stamford Ct. allowed to keep a Chimpanzee that could kill someone or rip their face off? Hey! Would you keep it down? I have a Chimpanzee right here and now he's playing with my face.

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If you love you husband/wife Boyfriend/girlfriend would you forgive them if domestic abuse occurs? The doctor removed the frying pan.................It was kind of my fault.......................the wife/Girlfriend kind of found out about each other.

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Would you ever want to rent someone for the day? What would you make them do? I will be renting Nancy...............I would require her to be less.................Invisible.........

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I've always wondered if its ok to go down on an escort, know she has fucked other guys and they shot their wad in her pussy? Yes it's ok............they had sex with her cat.

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Well, it's that time again...who wants to suffer through another depressing poem of mine? Aspire to the opposite...................... Someone needs to make you feel like this: This song by Jes is even better than the lyrics: How breathless I feel in your arms How breathless you make me feel so There's no one before in my eyes I'll take what you give me Everything sounds better Everything looks brighter Everything tastes better Everything you do.................feels better I...

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Lying in bed, have to get up in 5 hours. Can't sleep, stressing about school, work tomorrow, decisions facing me...helpful suggestions? Here's an idea............................Go to your kitchen and look for the big box of lucky charms. Pour a modest amount on your table. Separate the marshmellows from the cereal. Arrange the marshmellow into a happy face. Smile back at him and start eating.

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Have you ever taken home a kitten because he/she was all alone in the rain? I tried to but it jumped on my head and started having sex with it.

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Do you consider yourself to be "in shape"? Been lifting weights 4 times a week for 6 months...................Have become somewhat addicted to it..................Need to step up on the Cardio though.

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What happens if you watch "The Dark Crystal" 50 times in a row? Batman thinks it's a load of crap because you once said the same thing about "The Dark Knight".

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Where can an amputee buy just one shoe? Or must they buy a pair and throw one out? Must be really good friends with another amputee....................................

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Who else wants to take a potshot at me? Anyone? Anyone? Sorry........no pot shots here.............I don't even have a pot to pee in...................oh great! just talking about it makes me want to pee. What am I gonna do now!

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What would you make of it (if anything) if a guy is sitting next to you and leaning his arm very definitely against yours? What you fail to mention is that there was a foot with one very holey sock leaning definitely against your other arm. If you weren't so fixated on this extremely hairy arm you would of noticed or smelled the sock..............................

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What will be the next big thing after facebook Buttbook............................and Sir Mix Alot's will be the CEO

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How do you know when your crush has turned into love ? When you are able to have a conversation in the bathroom and one of you are pooping............

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Does it make you laugh if you see a kitten fly out of an upstairs window? Only if it lands on your head and immediately starts having sex with it................................

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Are u wired for weird ? Takes the electrodes off of his nose and left nipple......... what?

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Does chocolate get the better of you Yes..................it gives me the Hershey squirts

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Here is a question AB- say you are 18 again (or for the first time). You get free admittance to any college in the US. Where you going? College of Soft Knocks...................

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Advice? Yes............Before you jump out of the plane.................check for your parachute before you jump.

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Do you think your DNR order might some day be used against you? I hope not...................I love to be rubbed and Do not Rub would siriusly suck. Why do you think I wear no shoes?

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Is your car clean? Not enough.............Pollen still on it...................When I clean it you see the Cadillac's pearl white which is the most interesting color I've ever seen.

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If Bjorn Borg became a Muslim, and changed his name, then became Christian and changed it back, would he be Bjorn again? Yes and he also belongs to the Borg.........................Because resistance was futile...............although he has nothing to offer because the Borg can't conquer other races by just playing tennis.

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A crazy person is approaching you. What tipped you off that the're crazy? Hey, how you doing? Charles Manson has a swaztika in the exact same place as you do. Why are your eyes so wide and how come you haven't blinked since I've been talking to you?

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Any tips on how to make kissing (making out) better? Yes...............try putting your tongue in their mouth and not the nose.

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When the USA defeated Germany in WWII, why didn't we begin marching the Germans into gas ovens, until 6 million of THEM were dead? Because we put Pizza in our ovens..............................We are too busy stuffing our faces and we do have different morals here.....We don't kill someone when we don't agree with their morals or religious convictions.

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If you were at a party in Sandra Bullock`s house, would you sneak off and rummage through her underwear drawer? No.........I would sneak off and try to rummage through the underwear she is wearing.

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How comfortable are your shoes? Very nice but lets not talk about the smell..................

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What would you love to use a sword for? Why? I bring one to the movie theater to pick the popcorn out of my teef.

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I like the smell of______________! Robert Duvall who doesn't wreak of Napalm in the morning....................

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How could you let life and experiences beat you up so bad that you dont take time to love yourself? Oh, I love myself..........thats why I didn't answer your Horniest time question.

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have you ever heard an audible voice speak in your ear when you were alone? Yes and he wasn't happy that I was playing with my belly button hair................I have to remove it every 2 hours.

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Even after 50 years, do you still like Mary Ann over Ginger? Why isn't Mrs. Howell an option?

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What's the highest level of math you have ever taken? The mulitiplication tables....................I have a tattoo of it on my forehead.

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Does anyone else take on a different persona during sexual activities? I wish that I had.....................JESSIE"S GIRL!...........sorry, stuck in the 80s.

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Can buble wrap be used between drapes to reduse noise I don't know about drapes but my old gf used to be really noisy during sex so I used bubble wrap then.........but all you could hear were machine gun pops...............used to annoy mom and dad alot.

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What WOULDN'T jesus do? Bowling.................he literally took his own name in vain...........

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What's Dog spelled backwards? I hope you don't ask him to fetch things.................

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HEY!!!! WHAT'S THAT UP IN THE ROAD A HEAD? Justin Beiber's career.

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Does it make you feel good to help a total stranger? Yes..........until she asks me when I'm going to cut the grass or take out the trash.

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Who would love to have a BOOTS party with our very own Bootsiebaby? If you came to such a party, which boots would you wear and show off? I don't own any boots..................all I have is socks...........................help.

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If you pee in bleach and it fizzles does that mean u r pregnant? It means that you are a lightweight..........................My pee is fizzling in my bladder as I speak.

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If a replica of the Titanic was built and sailed (with newer safety features), would you go on it? YES and the newest safety feature was a state of the art Radar system called LOFFI..................(Lookout for F.cking Icebergs)

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I told you NOT to paint my house _______________!!? So why are you blowing on my nipples? (Paint takes awhile to dry)

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Can you fix a leaky toilet or would you have to get someone else to do it for you? Fortunately.......Toilets are easier than you think............Parts are cheap and they are fairly easy to replace. Just a little back breaking which is better than breaking the wallet. Lets not talk about electrical because I have the missing hair to prove it...................

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Men kissing men ! is it exciting? no......that belongs in the department of women kissing women.

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Would you let me wash your feet? It would be interesting to see these feet, the socks haven't been off in years..........

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Uh oh, why are my socks wet? sorry, sometimes I don't look where I pee........................

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How do I stop picking the scabs I find on my head? Why do they form and is there a way i can prevent them fromforming in the first place? Hello...........This is Hannibel Lecter speaking................please fedex any unwanted or discarded body parts to my residence please....................I'm chilling the Chiante as we speak.

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What's your pet doing in the closet? Our Sugar Glider has a facination for shoes.............P-nut likes to poop in any shoe he can find.

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Do you have a toe ring look........Bobo Baggins.......................I getting tired of your fascination with rings..........could you just leave it alone and trying washing your feet...........stinky.

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Men are from bars, women are from ____________ ? Men are from bars, women are from the back seat of cars....................

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Where can I find some good info on Floristic compound and phytoecology of Savanas? Sorry but Telly Savanas doesn't work anymore..................................

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When is the last time that you almost Peed in your pants when you were laughing so hard. What were you laughing about? I didn't almost due anything......................yes I peed my pants...................Try peeing your pants in the winter time because it's warm for awhile.

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Why can't people get off of their lazy feets and go to a music store now? Let me gets these socks off my feets first.....................

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Why do so many people tolerate cheating? look........I get tired of the way my 8 year old child keeps laughing at me when she constantly beats me at GO FISH.

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How long does it take you to shave your bread and mustache? It can take a while because the mold on some of my bread does resemble a fine looking hair..........................

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Do you like a woman that drinks beer? I will love her if she buys it..............

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What do you do if a prankster sets your pants on fire? Run in his house..........drop and roll on his poodle.

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Does Daryl Hannah still listen to Jackson Browne? / She should'nt have listened to her plastic surgeon........

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Can I live at the bottom of the Grand Canyon with no money...?..Is there any Indians or people down there..?..Can a healthy male survive down there with no money or anything...?..I wanna take an AMTRAK out there... I already live down here..............................I need to tell you that just the other day...............a scorpion stung my scrotum.

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What metal are washing machine 'spiders' cast from? I can tell the shaft is a tool steel but i can't place the brittle corroded frame. Thats not the first time someone has said that my shaft is made of steel.............................

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What kind of feeling do you think you would get if the VET came in the room and said 'it needs to be put down' Doctor? this isn't the pet..................................The chihuahua is still out in the car..........

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Are you talking to me or are you listening to me? This is Robert Deniro and I'm Certainly not listening to you................................

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I know a guy who is 27 and his girlfriend is only 17. What do you think about this? Can it work? Yes but the guy has to wait 10 more years to catch up to her maturity level..............

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If I took a peek in your underwear drawer, would you be embarrassed? look..............it isn't my fault that some corn isn't digestable.

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Are you the retiring type? Look at my socks and then look me in the eye and ask that question again.........................

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What did you order? a spoon.......................................because she was so annoying I needed something to gag myself on.

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Is there a legal limit on how much money a HOA can Special Assess you for per year in Washington state?? Did you just say that the Ho has a special Ass in Washington state?

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If my lamp caught on fire after I turned it on because of seemingly high voltage going through it, what needs to be done? Nothing, it's still providing light............

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Do you have exotic, erotic dreams? Yes.........then the girl turns around and it's Richard Simmons.................

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Have you ever had a debate with a smart person? Yes........everytime I spoke to Albert Einstein, I never looked him in the eye. I was always looking at his hair......................Wasn't much of a debate but it did drive him crazy.

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When someone says 'big bamboo', what do you think is associated with it? Baseball.............and someone who doesn't know Babe Ruth very well.

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What would you do if you hear a bigfoot growling while you are hiking in the woods? That wasn't bigfoot.......................I made the mistake of eating pork and beans.

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Do I need to go to college and get a degree before I can go selling ipad's door to door? What if someone asks me a 'techie' question? Yes..you may need to educate yourself..........Just make sure you don't say that the i-pad is a feminen product.

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Will you please ask questions with my name on it? I want to be popular and receive hate mails. Kidding. Hello WABOO.................Have you had that sex change procedure yet?

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Why do people keep watching movies about vampires, dragons and monsters when they know they are not real? Hey, I got the bite marks on my ass to prove it.........oh no.........., they are just 2 pimples close together........................

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I love licking pussy, may I lick yours? My cat just got ran over by a truck and I think it did it on purpose..............

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Are you crying because I'm leaving?! I'm crying because my scrotum is still stuck in my zipper....................

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Dont shoot____________? Don't shoot last.........shoot first and ask questions later.

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Have you ever been really really scared? Joan Rivers without makeup..........................I haven't been the same since.

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Do you change your socks more in summer time? Go without socks more? Is this a trick question?

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Do you want me to love you all the time? when I'm on the toilet you can love me from a distance...............

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can you name a famous SUSAN Susan Dey..........Partridge family..then LA Law

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Terminate__________? r...................I will not be back.

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Why is that old man yelling at me ? He's tired of you giving him spontaneous prostate exams....................

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What is one activity that you will NEVER do in your life? why? Carry a bee hive while running naked through the woods.....................

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Achtung_______________________? She lives in Mysterious Ways!!

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How can I put an elephant in the fridge? How many times do I have to tell you to STOP talking about my wife!

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How come there are no female suicide bombers? too busy marrying us Americans for a better life........................

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Have some store bought water brands you've bought and drank so bad in taste that it gets caught in the back of your throat and dry too? I don't think that was water................it was a bottle of moonshine your grandaddy made out behind the shed and it was about the same time your dog went missing.

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what is the fastest and easiest way to loose weight? To prevent ..................Y Da F..K guys are cheating on their girls.

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Would you be willing to commit adultery just to have sex with a cavewoman/man? yes and I wonder if the cavewoman would know what to do when I give her.....her first toothbrush.

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What would you do if there is a alligator in your swimming pool? Hold a staring contest.

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Kiss _________________? is still performing

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Did you ever play with the skunk? I must need to wash more because I was playing with my junk.....................

| 1 person likes this

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Can you get pregnant from giving someone a BJ? yes..it grows right underneath your tongue.......the good thing is you can feed it like birds feed their young...........You will also learn how to store food in your cheeks.

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It gets ______ when I _________ Cold when I keep locking myself in the frigerator.............(Pops open a beer)

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What do you do when people cough in their hand, then hand you your change? Have you had similar experiences? I put the change in my pocket and leave. The experiences are very similiar except I may put the change in my left pocket when i usually put it in the right.

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It gets ______ when I _________ It gets thicker when I shave her back....................

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Do you have a big foot? I mean where one foot is bigger than the other? My wife has a foot bigger than the other and I believe it is hairer.

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Dont touch my__________? Grits..............but you can kiss em.

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Cant live if_______________? Mariah Carey sings this song.........................Can't touch Nilisson

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Do you have a charming personality? I only eat all of the marshmellows in Lucky Charms......................I do believe it has an effect on me.......................ugggggh.....................can you show me to your bathroom?

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What do you do if an alligator tries to attack you while you are swimming in a pond? An alligator will try to pull you under and try to spin you around. Grab a big stick and start spinning yourself around.........the gator will think another alligator has you and will attack the stick................Don't be an idiot............let go of the stick!

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Im going to Kick_______________? you in the balls................CLANK!.............You're not going to cook with that frying pan are you?

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what does it mean when a guy stares at you while you're asleep? He's not staring at you........he drew eyes on your eyelids so you appear awake even when you're asleep.

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Did you ever date yourself on Valentine's Day? Yes but it wasn't working out because I was talking about myself too much..................

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I'm a Greek! Wanna go pick olives with me??? yes and why are you looking at my Martini glass?

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Do you have moves like jagger? everytime I move like him, I tear a big rip in my crotch...................because I wear jeans like Jagger........................

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How long do you cook your letters in the microwave? Vanna? aren't we getting carried away with the letters?

| 1 person likes this

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Facebook goes public (IPO) on Wednesday. Are you buying its stock? If Facebook would of went public years ago.......Maybe...........but my instincts tell me that it's growth isn't what it used to be. I'd still put my money in Apple................and also in Siri........................Because I'm RuSirius!

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I need to practise_________? prostate exams?...........you really get in to your work don't you?

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I need to practise_________? folding my underwear................wait...these arent mine?

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Why don't you make me feel like im a woman anymore If you'd do those sexy video's like you used too..........................Shania Twain................you would'nt have those problems.

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Do you want me to yell at you? Why ask..............just do it.

| 3 people like this

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Do any of your fantasies involve Bigfoot? It's not a fantasy..........she has a 17 inch foot.........and I shave it everyother day.

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You've just become the president of the United States. What will you do first? Go directly to any bathroom in the Whitehouse and inspect the toilet paper.

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Will you be purchasing a new aluminum foil hat for Spring/Summer this year? Mel? Have you been drinking again? You looking rough around the edges.......and oh yeah..........leaves the glasses of water alone!

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Education is one way to __________. prevent from having 13 children...............

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What do you call a judge with only one arm? still dangerous with a gavel.......................

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We may be _________ in the kitchen, but we are_______ in the bedroom We may be WILD in the kitchen, but we are COOKING in the bedroom...............Now what have I told you about that grater?

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What was your last question that some uncaring, unthinking staff person deleted here? I can't remember but it wasn't about smelling boogers....................

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If i wanna loose weight should i walk 9.3 miles 5 days a week or run 4 miles 4 days a week? and what will you do with all that loose weight?

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You can put your money in the ______. Vending machines in Japan..................go ahead and try the fish on a stick.

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What kind of woman lets her hair down? The kind with extensions...............and she thinks she looks good.

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Did your ex poison you? By playing Bell BIv Davoe's POISON, POISON,....... POISON! Did I mention that she is now my ex?

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Would you be able to sleep in a room that a giant clown doll watching over you? oh no................Chucky now wants to know who this doll is. HEY!!!........ PUT THE KNIVE DOWN!!!!

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I could never be with a man who__________________? isn't ready to replace underwear he received for a Xmas gift in 1983...................

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I hate to say it, but _______________________________ There's a crab hanging from your nipple............

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Real women don't wear _______! out their welcome..............

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What would you do if you see a monster called bigfoot while you are hiking in the woods? Tell him on how fortunate he is to not have that thing that grows on bamboo asses.............

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If I created and own the worlds and universes and a guy sells his/her soul to inherit the world. Who do you suppose that the guy sold his/her soul, to inherit the world? But what about the Universes?

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What is your favorite feature in your car? The one where I haven't had to make a car payment in about 5 years....................

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it never rains but_____________ don't think its ok to lick cacti...............................

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Have you ever broke your CD player? Yes.........right after I broke my Eight track and dual cassette tape deck.

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Did you learn anything while in the military service that you still use or practice today? My gf says I've mastered AWOL.........................

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What is the most inappropriate response to "Does this outfit make me look fat?" It's not the outfit.............................it's your 56 inch waist.............and stop looking at my Dorito bag when I'm talking to you.

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Have you ever been so angry you pounded your fist into your face? no...................just my nutts............

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Describe your eating habits in two words or less:-)? Carnivore.......

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Do you have a telescope? Yes and it appears you like to wear your mothers underwear...............

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Do you need a pie? Lucy in the sky..........with Pie! Much better lyrics.

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I got my toes in the water _________________________ and even the pirhanna won't touch em because their razor sharp teeth can't penetrate the thick fungi.....................

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Have you ever sleep with your mouth open? Darth Vader is thinking about this question...................You can't tell he's sleeping with his mouth open but it sure sounds like it.

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Do you have a member of your family with a mouth so big a truck can drive through it? I bet this is Mick Jaggers sister isn't it?...........you are so jeolous you have to stoop to this level........Damn bitch............check your own mouf in the mirror.

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Do you wake up right or are you involved in your own plight? Because of the size of her heft and have to wake up on the left...............are you deaf?

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To what extent would you beg someone to stay with you, considering they've decided to give up on your relationship? If their HD flat screen TV is more than 50 inches...............................

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Will you teach me how to do kung fu? Who needs to teach Kung Fu..................I'll show you how to bury a waffle in someone's neck.

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OUCH! Why did you bite my fingers?! Because you are the one who's using A1 sauce and I did'nt look down on you...........

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If a guy was 7'2 and his date was 4'5 and he really liked her, would it be rude for him to say "I'm just nuts over you"? You need to check first to see if she's carrying some hedge trimmers...............

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Karate or Kung Fu? This is David Carradine..........Is this a trick question?

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The last time I cried was_______________? Picking my frankfurter off of the ground................

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I'm going to sleep. Will you wake me up? No...........I'd rather fill your mouth up with lint from my belly button............you should try sleeping with your mouth closed.

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What do you find entertaining? People that want to know where I've been.................all my life

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Can a rabbit be trained to come when called by its name, fetch & sit? I heard it's true, is that so? Why? because although Elmer Fudd was an idiot.............he knew how to handle the shotgun.............Elmer also wants to tell you that you spelled rabbit wrong....

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hey, you have____________________stuck on your _________? Toilet paper stuck on your shoe.....................(you look down).............thats right!..................it's dog shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!

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Fill it in: It's a bad idea to _________? Give a bee a wedgie..................

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If George W. Bush could run 4 president again, and ran against Barack Obama, whom would u vote 4 ? Mr. President.........a plane just hit the World Trade Center (Blank Stare) Mr. President........ The United States is under attack.......Lets finish this book first.

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Have you ever travel on Christmas day? to the bathroom..........in between and during each of the 4 NBA games that will be on.

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How often do you take a shower or bath? Whats a bath?

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Are you being serious right now? As soon as I get new socks..............

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Why did Santa leave after you sat on his lap? I told him...while he was making his toys I was busy showing Mrs Santa my north Pole....................

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Has anyone ever measured the attenuation of attention with time? (while measuring his penus) (looks up) What?

| 1 person likes this

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what would you do if i told you that i am half llama I would write a song and it would go like this:.................Hamma Bobamma Half a llama shamma lamma ding dong..................

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Would you ever want to "Titivate" me....??...hehe Well..........since I have 3 nipples.......it's more like Titalicious........

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Did you sing in the shower this morning? No, but after I washed my anal canal...................the birds started singing..................like the first day of spring.

| 1 person likes this

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Big fan of Michael Jackson? His influence will last.............forever............. and no one will ever dance like that again.

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Will ratings go up on America's Got Talent after Howard Stern becomes a judge? I'll be watching..........................and I've never watched the show.

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Why do I hear a crackling sound around my anus when a turd with a firmer tip is starting to come out? It's Gods way of letting you know that having a good BM is comparable to the 4th of July...........

| 1 person likes this

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Give me a word that has 2 L's in it. :) HELL no..............I won't do it.

| 4 people like this

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what would be your last wish before dying? Not dying...............

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what would be your last wish before dying? That the bionic man and bionic woman would of lived happily ever after................

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What smell most reminds you of Christmas? The smell of a fresh cut Christmas tree through out the house............

| 1 person likes this

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What does 'being happy' mean to you? Watching my 7 year old daughter marvel over her Happy Meal..................and asking if I want some fries.

| 1 person likes this

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Is "beautiful bm" an oxymoron? ........if I had the perfect BM which required no toilet Paper................than how can that not be beautiful?

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If you come over to watch a movie, what do you want to see? Mystery? B & W oldie? Documentary? Western? Porn? Music video? Other? What? Dumb & Dumber......................You'd SHUT UP if you knew what was good for ya, you pumpkin pie hair cutted little freak.

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Is it safe to let my cat lick my nuts? I heard that Mr. Sandusky like pistachios too..................

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Whats the first word that comes to mind when i ask you to describe yourself? Nipple................should I talk about my 3rd nipple on our first date.

| 1 person likes this

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Besides a curse word..What is your favorite word that starts w/ the letter 'B'? Butane...................I'm the firestarter..........twisted firestarter.

| 2 people like this

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Anybody wanna watch me sacrifice a goat on webcam? After you sacrifice your virginity with the goat......................

| 2 people like this

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Who pees more.....Men or Women? Since both my gf and mother have bladders the sizes of peas.......and have to stop every 23 minutes on extended road trips............it's men.............handsdown.

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Would you want to live in a place where it's the 80s forever? Doesn't matter..............I can still wear my Flock of Seagulls hair even now.

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Just how hot are you? licks finger............puts on right buttuck...............psssssssssssst.................oh yeah.......................SmOkIn!

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What would you do if you found a wallet full of cash laying in the street? If it's velcrow.............I keep opening and closing it because I like the way velcro sounds.

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Is it normal for my legs to burn like crazy after a minute of running, after not running much for 4 years? Spontaneous combustion can occur at anytime.................................

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What if you walked into the bathroom and found Dick Cheney drawing that Gorbachev birthmark on his head? Be grateful that he was drawing a birthmark..............................he could of been playing with his rifle when you walked in.

| 1 person likes this

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I asked my cat out on a date and now she hates me! Do you know why? You should of thought about your cats feelings when you were contemplating J Edgar when Puss n boots was playing...............................

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Can you dig it? Warriors.................Come out to play...............bottles are clinking in the background.

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What would you think if they started serving beer at McDonald's? as long as its self serve..............................

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What do you do if a guy in your neighborhood keeps throwing you into a swimming pool while you are asleep? Dress up as Santa Claus and throw hotdogs down his pants.......................

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Tonight is gonna be crazy! Who's going to the club tonight? me........but only if Will Farrell and Jim Carrey accompany me to the "Night at the Roxbury" WHAT IS LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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A ju-jitsu and judo martial artist are competing in a match. All things being equal such as size and ability in their sport, who wins? The one who is able to pull down his opponents black belt the quickest. Pants fall down, trips and falls down into his opponents groin area which then turns into a Karate like porn video...............................

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Should i get my bellybutton pierced behind my moms back and tips on how to hide it? If you're trying to hide it then your mom should'nt be in the room at all....................

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What exactly is a " Metrosexual "? I just watched an episode of "Rescue Me" which talked about Metrosexuals. A person who would do gay things but are not gay. Someone who shops alot, gets facials ETC.

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Who thinks trading Rajon Rondo will be a good move by the Celtics? Management thinks it will be tough building a team around him (when the big 3 retire) It's hard to believe that the Celtics may soon be in rebuilding mode.......

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I call people up on the telephone for a living and it amazes me in my clear voice and I say I'm Chris women alot respond back Kwess?? Why? and don't get all upset and take the lords name in vain........................Jesus KWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITH!

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I call people up on the telephone for a living and it amazes me in my clear voice and I say I'm Chris women alot respond back Kwess?? Why? Are you sure you are hearing them right? it's probably Kweth....................KWEEEEEEEEEEEEEETH!

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Where Is Dildo ?? I did'nt know Waldo had a brother......................

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Is there a cure for boldness? I'm lucky.........I still have a head full of hair.

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How do you like my sexy new boots? Don't know about the boots but are you too sexy for your shirt?.........I'm singing some Rightsaid Fred............Then I think I'll morf into some Rod Stewart...................and I'll let you sing that one for me.......

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What are you doing in bed with my ______? toy and ALL THESE BATTERIES.........................

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If you had a priest turn all your bread into Jesus, would he be making meatloaf? no..................it would be Wonder bread.

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Should I change my user name to Bossyboots? Some people on AB seem to think that's what I am. More like......................These boots were made for Walkin.................Now show that famous strut..............don't trip.................you don't want to look silly.

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If you are the only doctor available in the ER, and two patients come in, and you only have time to save one, which would you save? None of em.....................because Nicholas Cage who calls himself Seth said I looked at him. Looked at who? Seth then tries to convince me I LOOKED RIGHT AT HIM. So I tell Seth to get the F out of my operating room. So I lose 2 patients because some angel falls in love with me.......This is no City of Angels!!

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Is letting a child become obese child abuse? A child was removed from the family and placed in foster care for that reason. Agree/not? I would'nt characterize it as abuse...................it's neglect. If someone blames us as being socialists for intervening then they are missing the boat. Reminds me of the case of the parents who didn't want to give their son medical treatment for religious reasons. So yes, sometimes we have to intervene.

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I would__________If__________ Pull the sword out of the stone if I was bored and had nothing better to do.................

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Why is Johnny Depp so awesome, but he was such a crappy Willy Wonka? Because the guy is totally cool combined with CRAZY talent..............................A crappy Willy Wonka is just an afterthought. When I watched Willy Wonka, I couldn't get past his teeth which was totally distracting.............

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Has AB changed you? Yes......it's changed my priorities at work................I check AB first..........then I go to work.

| 4 people like this

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Any Scorpios on this site? Are you a typical Scorpio? Nov 6 tells me I'm a scorpio. I'm a very patient person but once someone gets underneath my thick shell .........It's possible that I will sting and paralyze you. Sometimes I accidently sting myself.............Does anyone have an epi-pen?

| 1 person likes this

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I donts know how to builds coffee. I puts it in the toaster ovens and no coffees comes out, I don't understand? I'm just gonna sit here and cherish this question. I puts it in the Allstar of all questions asked. I will wait patiently for my coffee.

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Are you affectionate? Do you like cuddling? I am, and I do. :) Yes.........but the random people I choose to cuddle with need to check their attitudes..........

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Chocolate covered ________ ? underwear................

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Would you give this shoe the boot? Since I don't have a shoe to pee in. At this point, I'll take anything.

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_____ till you drop? And the missing word isn't shop. I beg to disagree........It is shop........and on black friday the impatient woman with the mace proved that people were literally dropping.

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I think Adele is the best female vocalist out there today, bar none. Disagree? If so, who's better? That's my challenge. Yes.......she's the best female vocalist who gets on my nerves the quickest.

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I ringed your doorbell 5 times! What were you doing!? I was flushing the toilet....................5 TIMES!

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Fill in the Blank: How big is your __________________? Big Toe..............

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does Starbucks have a certain time limit to stay inside the store. I wanna go work on my essay there because i like the atmosphere. Stores like Starbucks and Panera Bread provide internet services and electrical plugs so that you can do things like you described..........If you see someone with a stop watch then get up and buy a small coffee..........

| 1 person likes this

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What were you doing at 12 am last night? At the American Family Fitness center working on some rock hard abs............my only problem is what to do with the layer of belly over it.

| 2 people like this

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What would you do if after all the work you will do on it,i steal your TURKEY? You'd would be running down the street wearing a TURKEY helmet....................

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I saw "Gone with the Wind" for the first time the other day and am still wondering what the big deal was over the movie...your thoughts? Frankly my dear, I don't give a .............................

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What do you imagine is in your large intenstine right now. Yummy! good question...........even after my Hernia surgury, it's like it wants to do anything possible to burst out of my lower belly like the baby alien.....................I bet it also looks like Sigearny Weaver.

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Do you ever sit by yourself and.. yes.........I will occasionaly sit in the corner with the light off. Sometimes mumble which resembles speaking in tongues.

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You find a million dollars in a bag no one around, do you keep it? even with people around...............I would keep it. The first thing I'd do is go to a gas station and buy a candy bar. Not a regular Candy bar. ONE OF THE BIG ONES!

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Apart from cutting it off, in what other ways can I punish my boyfriend Put it back on................but backwards

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Conservatives: Have you ever yelled at someone working at a fast food place or WalMart? No but I did yell at the Handicapped employee sitting in a wheelchair at the movie theater................

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What would you do if someone stole your brain? tell them to grow their hair like Einsteins................

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Bikes or Cars , what do u prefer? I like the car because while I was texting I apparently ran over some guy on a bike.

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Did your parents ever told you that you were an accidental baby? No.........I believe I was the backseat baby.

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Do bosses have to be bossy? Bosses have to be bossy because we need to give direction. Would it help if I added PLEASE, with sugar and a cherry on top?

| 1 person likes this

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What is something that should never be taken seriously? Questions about odd bacon sandwiches.........

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In what situation should one say....Brrrap Brrrap Brrrap? The one in which someone was given the wrong medication.................

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If an alien comes to your house and needs to pee, would you let him? yes........only number 1..........no number 2s..............Alien poop is just to scary. what if the alien has diarhea? Will I have to clean up after an Alien?

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If divorce is so much more ACCEPTED in this day and age, than why isn't brothel prostitution accepted and legal? Because everytime I'm greeted, they forget to put their teeth in......................

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Have you seen the Japanese "calorie burning" underwear, which claims to burn hundreds of calories when worn? Japanese underwear schmunderwear.......You should look at these RU thongs........it will make you want to burn calories the good ole fashion way.................Luv you long time!!

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Do you hate going to the movie theathers? no.....I love the new movie theathers...........It gives me an opportunity to wear my new sweather.....:)

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What is the most expensive Christmas present you have ever brought for someone? It was one of those Faberge eggs..................then a Jurassic animal popped out and bit my fiance in her left breast. I couldn't figure out what screams belonged to who...............

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Ladies would you date a guy who works in the "shopping cart buggy pushing" department at Walmart? Somebody needs to concentrate on fixing those "buggies" I'm tired of walking down the aisle with "THUMP THUMP THUMP" It doesn't lead to an enjoyable shopping experience.

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Do you make your own Christmas decorations? What and how? I hope they did'nt ask Jeffrey Dahmer this question......................

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You arrive in heaven.....Who is the rock and roll star you would talk to first? Tiny Tim...................Dude, after all this time.........You haven't done anything to your hair!

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What are you getting Mark Zuckerburg for Christmas? I'm getting him a name change.......A billionaire's last name which is more suitable for a brand of Jelly or Jam.

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Nothing is better than _______________ ? Watching a child molester get convicted..............

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wat is the difference between milk and skim milk In the old days when the milk man would deliver the milk in bottles...........my dad would send me over to the neighbors house to skim some milk from their stash............

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Would you drink carbonated milk? Yes.........and imagine the snap, crackle and pop with my Rice Krispies...........OH HELL YEAH!..........bring it on.

| 1 person likes this

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Would studying "Cryptozoology" Be a way to prove that the UnicornMan and the elusive rarely seen,cute little Ginger Minx really do exist Unicorn man? So he has this long hard thing on his forehead?

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Dude! Where did you put my ______?! Dingy..............

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Could you step out of the car please? But officer? if I step out................all this beer will pour out of the car.

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Should the government force all NBA Players to work retail for two months making minimum wage. and the Owners should work 3 months. Yes, the players make alot of money but compared to the owners, they want to be fairly compensated. Remember.......... The NBA is a multi BILLION dollar business.

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Do you believe me? Why? No because everytime you say something your nose has this habit of getting longer....................

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What would you think if I changed my name to Thor? Tells me that your Thor....ough.

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I am constantly _________ things ________. Placing things in my buttocks..............................

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should i move out (of my mum's house)and get my own place?? yes.............playing naked twister with Mum is just a little too much.

| 1 person likes this

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Have you ever cut your own hair in the dark? How did it work out? Do you still have 2 ears? I cut the Beibers hair in the dark. I didn't even nick him but he was still crying like a little girl.

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How often do you use Twitter? Who do you follow on Twitter? Why? Why? WHY? I follow no one on Twit as I don't use the Twit..............and only 1 Why would suffice next time......................I do like the Caps on the last WHY though.

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The President was flabbergasted when he saw ______________________streaking across the White House lawn! Barbara Bush and Bill Clinton.......

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What would you do if a guy asked you to see pics on his cell phone only they are pics of his family jewels instead of grandkids? I'd ask how the child was able to grow a goatee at such a young age.........

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On a clear winter's night, I can see__________________? The outline of a snowman I created while peeing..................................

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Did you remember to wear your aluminum foil hat today? So what day does aluminum underwear fall on?

| 1 person likes this

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Did you know women sometimes poop while giving birth Did you know that sometimes some men poop while trying to fart?

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Do you enjoy the company of your pet? I don't have a pet but my gf has one and it's the neediest dog I've ever seen and the most annoying. This Chihauhau has the screechiest bark and will try and bark over you while I try and to have a conversation with my gf. I'd love to take this dog for a drive but it would only make its way back home.............................

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What if they detected unusual EMF readings............in your pants? My soldier has been accused in the past of having a mind of his own..................I talk to him again about performing experiments..........

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Why do bagels have a hole in the middle? Need to be consistent................The Donuts were thinking of having a revolution.

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In my 72 years, except for brief moments of pity-pot thinking, I've never felt totally unloved. I feel fortunate! How about you? I too feel fortunate for being loved..........but mostly it's for my body.........In fact........she's sculpting it right now.............kind of like a Demi Moore, Ghost thing........

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is anyone single, married, or in a relationship? how did u get there?how did u get them to lik u or ask u out, or get through past problems? Yes.......I'm in one........I was forced into this relationship because she said she liked how patient I was with her when helping her with the computor........She also said she liked how I talked.........very calm........I think she was used to being yelled at alot.

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How hard is it for a guy to get a girlfriend? Any guy who's calfs are bigger than his thighs......................................

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What odd thing makes you sneeze? Because I take my grooming seriously, I pluck those annoying unsightly nose hairs which make me SNEEZE!..................GOD BLESS ME!

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Have you made a stupid mistake lately? Yes.........for not taking Frank's hot sauce seriously enough.

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Franks hot sauce, I put that _____ on everything Nuclear waste on everything.........even on my wife's food without her knowing.

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What if Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes offered to adopt all of Octomom's kids, and pay for her sterilization? She would still be annoying and totally into herself..............................the Octomom

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Why do girls go to toilets before they pick their nose or fart Mine does..........but she doesn't always close the door.........I CAN HEAR YOU!...............then she giggles :)

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What is something you shouldn't say to a married couple? It's about time I get to meet your mother................................

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Did you hear the federal Emergency Alert System test at 2 p.m. November 9th in the USA? Did it work the way it was supposed to work? It ruined my afternoon delight....................trying performing when all you hear is UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRR.

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Don't look____________________ like an idiot.

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I have a friend that use to be cool,but he always calls me Fat Pat and PFPR(President Fat Pat Rice)and he always punches me.what should i do Tell him he needs to work on his names.................those suck.

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So... What's with AB and the defecating questions today? Constipated much? Having word diarrea guys?! ickk lol You didn't like the diarrhea in the Astronauts suit question? It would be a scary situation.

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Do you own a toaster? if so what kind and how often do you use it? no.........I do my own toasts and I don't use cheap liquer.

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What is it? According to a recent poll , nearly 40% of American's said this has or has almost happened to them. Tried to sit on the toilet and the lid wasn't down...................resulting in wetbutt.

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What does a cutting crew cut? 1 hit song.............I just died in your arms tonight.................must of been some kind of kiss.

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I'm Devastated and my ex isn't? Nows the time to evalutate yourself. You sound like a person who gives more than you take. Believe it or not you should think about being more selfish. I sense your heart and soul was in this relationship...................Don't you deserve someone who will give it back? Her actions are ALARMING.......3 months...........she's only in the honeymoon stage. It will wear off.

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Why ain't there no sunshine when she's gone? Although it's hard to believe.................the sun will arise again................just takes time.

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Do you use the vibration mode on your cell phone? No.........but I've been noticing my gf has been underneath the sheets alot with the phone and bitches at me for not leaving the phone on vibration mode.

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is this fair? ..............Your bf has a moral obligation to take care of his son............Your situation is different. I think one has to ask themselves if taking money from an ex for any reason is the appropriate thing to do..............Then again, your bf should be supporting his child and not assisting his ex in going to school unless it's to help with daycare, babysitting ETC.

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Do you have on socks or are you barefoot now? I'll give you a visual............

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Do chickens like the smell of people? No and I never see them stargazing either. You think a chicken would like to look at the moon and wonder if we are at the center of the Universe.

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When the queen of england dies,will the monarchy become lame? No.............Not if William invests in a hair piece.................................

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So... how's your hammer hanging? sorry.................................can't touch this

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Adolf Hitler was Time Magazine's "Man of the Year" in 1938. How does that make you feel? Makes me think he would of been a long shot for "Peoples" 50 sexiest......

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Should schools have a right to strip-search students? Apparently Penn State got a little carried away with their strip searches............

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What can a astronaut do to save himself if he is out on a space walk and has a sudden bout of diarrhea and sickness? The space suit has a diarrhea valve. The space suit is so sensitive that it senses when the astronauts sphinctor is in trouble.

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I keep bumping my toes against furniture. Can one wear steel toe socks around the house? Where can one buy them? Would you wear them? Once you find some...............can you hook me up?

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Have you ever known someone who pretended to be pregnant just to get attention? I've tried new socks............still hasn't helped.

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I think I will______________ Build a skyskraper in Moscow...........

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This is a formal dinner...please put on a ____________________ Trough..............

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Have you ever walked in on your parents while they were having sex? yes and right when mom was taking her teeth out....................................

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A woman is raped. She aborts the baby that results. Should she be hanged for murdering the defenseless and innocent unborn baby? Although the situation for getting pregnant is terrible.......There is no exceptable reason to terminate a baby. Give the infant up for adoption and hang the person who did the rape.................

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What happened the last time you had to talk to a police officer? I asked Buford T. Justice to stop spitting on me when he would talk..........................

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HAHA! My brother says...Hey line us some people up for a party tonight ..i say "theres a party in my pants and everybodys cummin!" LMAO Is it me or should someone tell the brother he needs to get out of the line?

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What are some sweet workouts with a shakeweight? Set up a mirror by the bed. Climb up on the bed. Put the shakeweight on top of your rump. Start doing the rumpshaker........................now it don't get any sweeter than that............

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Would you eat your own self as a last resort of hunger? I'm in luck because when I was carried out of a Hooters and left in the parking lot, someone chopped my arms off and replaced them with chicken wings................

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Did you get a new toy? No but poppa's got a new bag................

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What lies at the center of a black hole? Kim Kardashian's career...............

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Which decade had the most attractive fashions to you? The roaring 20's? The earthy 70's? How about the 80'? What happened to the adjective describing the 80s?

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If someone gave you $10,000 what would you do with or how would you spend it? I would tie string around it so that I can easily carry it............................

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Have you ever been dragged out of Hooters and woke up in the parking lot? Yes and they chopped my arms off and replaced each one with a chicken wing...........................

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Who made a better couple: Mark Antony and Cleopatra, or Julius Caesar and Cleopatra? Only if eharmony would of existed back in the day............................

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Can you tell me why you think you have intelligence? When I put my hand on the hot stove.................9 times of 10, I autmatically remove it.

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What would you like to say to the judge who got filmed spanking his disabled girl with a belt? What did the poor girl do? I saw the film but don't know the details. We need to find a way to send the judge to jail....................The inmates will take care of him.

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My knee cap hurts and feels weird? No but you're in the general area..................

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What if Jesus made a beer volcano? I'd imagine that Anheiser Busch and Samual Adams would then try to assassinate him..................

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Are u having a good day? yes.......and thanks for checking.

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You know you're having a bad day when ________? When your baby is born and it looks exactly like your best friend...........................

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Would you call a butterfinger a chocolate bar?? Candy bar with teeth sticking out of it................

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When the ego is gone, what is left? Syrup...............just go buy more waffles

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What's the most random weapon you could use to protect yourself? (no guns, knifes, swords etc). Throw up on myself.....................Hopefully I had Chili or Chef boy r dee.....

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When you get home, be sure to------------ Take a shower................Do your spouse a favor and wash your ass.

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Do you ever take your "Shoes" for a walk ??....hehe A little too much I think..........Got socks?

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My friend "Tony the Knife" says that you're racist if you use the M word (Mafia) and there's no such thing. Do you agree? You tell "Tony the butterknife" that he doesn't know what he's talkin about and you tell him that "Ernie the firepoker" said so..................

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How do you Polish the moon to get Moonshine".....(Hic hic) Are you suggesting sending a Polish person to the moon to make moonshine?

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Does women find it attractive if men shave their tallywacker region? Got to be careful with that...........I went crazy with my Black and Decker shaver and anything that resembled hair was instantly gone. I looked like a tallywacker Albino.....................and still waiting for the hair to return.

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Burger Queen or Dairy King? I'll take a McHardee's any day of the week.............

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If a couple is married only a few months then divorce, shouldn't they give their wedding gifts back when they split everything up? I'd like to see you ask King Henry VIII this question.................I DARE YA!

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who are the moors? They are the ones that invented the Silver Bullet..................Coors

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Finish this: Jack and Jill ____________. Went up the hill, each with a buck and quarter. Jill came down with 2.50$ oooohhhhhh! Sorry Andrew Dice Clay moment.........

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I'm bad. Are you bad? Sometimes..............I'm good

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Household items I can masturbate with? Garbage disposal..........

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What do you think is a really cool name for a male dog Any male dog less than 5 pounds and name him.........Killer

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what are you going to do today that could change your life forever I'm going to continue to work out and hopefully next summer, Kim Kardashian will approach me so I can say....................Get the hell away from me!

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The NBA is in a lockout, if they never play again, will any of us lose sleep? I can't imagine what the trickle down affect is by the workers that you described but yes............some are losing sleep and looking for ways to feed their kids.

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Can an attractive shy guy get a smoking hot outgoing girl to be in a relationship with him. The attractive shy guy needs to find a way of making the smoking hot outgoing girl laugh......................

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Where were you on the night of August 32, 2012? Giving up on my day job of making calendars..............

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What consequences would there be if I defecated on the side of a train and rubbed my fresh poo on it for fun? They'll ask Denzel Washington if he wants to make another movie about a train.................................

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Anyone want a chocolate oatmeal cookie? And what happened to the raisins!

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why are such losers on this site? This is Jim Carey and you pronounced losers wrong..............It's La........who.........za.............hers

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Should teenagers be trick or treating? What is too old? I'm Colonostomy man and the average Colonostomy isn't taken until one is in their 50s. Exceptions should be made for people dressed up as Colonostomy man.

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I'm dreaming of a White Halloween. That does not sound right? It's about right............because Bing Crosby is in his grave singing it.

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Are people too stupid to realize if the outside light isn't on, I am not giving out candy on Halloween?? This is Colonostomy man.................just put the candy in my tube and stop complaining..........I'm happy because I just found out I have a clean Colon........now give me some candy.

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Might as well face it, I’m addicted to ___________. Robert Palmers back up singers...............

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Name something that might be hard to do when your nose is broken? Balance an anvil on it........Hopefully the circus offers short term disability.

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If you were accidentally buried alive name something you hope that would be in the casket with you? a paddle................because I'm really up shit's creek.

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How many live-in domestic workers (like housemaids and nannies) are there totally today in Poland? Not many, Arnold Schwartzneggar ships them to the states daily.............................

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Whatever tickles your___________! Pickle.........................

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Would you like some more ________? Socks? no thanks.................I'm attached to these.

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Girls - Would you date a guy with a missing pec (pectoral chest muscle) if he was born that way? It's called pectoral aplasia Could'nt a doctor just slide in a slab of beef or some roast rump? You'd think it would be an eazy thing to fix. Come to think of it, when Michael Jackson was alive I believe he had 2 missing pecs.

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Where are your pants? Up above my belly button............just like grampa used to wear!

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What type of conversation peaks your interest? I would say "ghosts" My interest would be double peaked if I was having a conversation about ghosts with a ghost..................

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Is it good to have an alien spouse? I would want to know what it would be like to have a spouse with 8 hands....

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An Ohio dentist is offering to buy kids' trick-or-treating booty this Halloween for a dollar a pound. Would you sell your halloween candy? I offered to buy some booty on Holloween from my gf but I got slapped in the face.........................

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A is for _________? Ass..........English would be Arse

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What would you do if you were raped in the toilet? Wrap em up in toilet tissue so that they resemble a mummy and hopefully they wonder out in traffic......................

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What are some fun things to do in Halle, Germany if you are only going to be there a few days? I'd find the city sign and add Berry to the end of it...........................

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If you could be in any music video, which one would it be ? Lady Gaga's.........Love Game............I'd love to be her Disco Stick.

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Good grief are we really becoming that wimpy? I'm sorry, but when that 5 year old girl hit me in the balls with a wiffle ball bat...................it has an everlasting affect.

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Have you read the book "On the Road" by Jack Kerouac, and what did you think of it? It made me think of Willie Nelson and how he would appreciate it more than me..........

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Is the world ending today? What time? I've got to mow the lawn first Thats ridiculous.....................Everyone knows you need to change your sheets first.

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Is life a bowl of cherries or a bowl of ------------? Forest Gump................would you stop it! why don't you go play some ping pong.

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Does money bring you joy? I thought it did but when the prostitute showed up she looked like.............Sammy Davis Jr.

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If you meet god for the first time, what would you tell him? Are you ever curious about your name when it's spelled backwards?

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Is doing the "Hokey Pokey" satanic? It means even the devil has too much time on his hands..................

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Have you ever called in sick when you were not sick? If so, why? no............I continue to lie on my unemployment form which prevents me from having to call in and fake sickness.

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IF WE WORK FOR SOMEONE FOR LIFE, HAVE WE SOLD OUR SOLE? Yes but not our socks.........as you can see..............I still have mine.

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Like, have you ever felt such pain that your face turned blue? my face turned blue because I stepped in watching dad humping mom. It was like watching 2 blue sperm whales mating. I still wake up in a sweat. Those sounds, they can't be replicated and I would'nt want them to.

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When is divorce ok in your opinion? When she gives me a small fork to eat my dinner.....................

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How much bull will a cow put up with? The cow doesn't have much choice because I have mastered the art of cow-tipping. Also when it's down, it has to suffer from the unbearable tittie twisting...............too bad it doesn't wear underwear.

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WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF THERE WERE A CRYING BABY ON YOUR PLANE AND YOU HAVENT GOT SLEEP IN 2 DAYS? Somehow locate the air marshall so that he can shoot the baby..................

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Have you ever been arrested? If yes, what were you arrested for? I was once arrested for not taking the Chief of Police's daughter to the prom..... I then placed the Chief under citizens arrest for not telling me that she looked like Andre the Giant..............

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Why would anyone hook jumper cables to their body? Because the neigborhood power lines were down and the electric company responded too fast and shut them off.

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Do you think Arnold cheated on Maria because she is homely or because he needed to spread his sperm as far as possible? It's because he took his phrase "I'm here to PUMP...you UP" too literally.

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How fast does your anger generally disappear? About the time they are finished putting the cast on my hand............

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Would you date a girl that was perfect in every way, but her butt was as flat as a pancake? I'm hoping that it's like a pancake then I could pour some maple syrup on it and slap it like I'm on a date with Aunt Jemima.

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Name any movie that they have no buisness making a sequel of. Can't imagine anyone else playing Tony Montana.............................

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Do you turn heads? Yes which is usually followed by screeching tires and then sirens in the background.

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What is something you like to see on a beach? I would give credit if anyone attempts to shave their back before they go on the beach.

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Would you let birds groom you if they tried? I'd let them groom my dad..............He'd probably get better comb-overs

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Do you think that anyone ever aspires to be a Pest control man? When you go to bed tonight............................you may need to check your sheets.

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Would you lick and suck my toes? You first!

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Do you ever pretend as though you don't like someone when you really do? It was the opposite when I was with my wife............................

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Have you ever tried to pick my teeth in my avatar with your mouse cursor? no.........just your nose

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Am I the only who can't wait to eat that monkey? Peter Gabriel is thinking about changing some lyrics in one of his songs.........

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Guys while using the bathroom to release your bowels, do you hold/keep your penis inside to toilet or do you leave it out? Mine wraps around the toilet like a Boa Constrictor................I'd guess it's to maintain balance.

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____________________makes me go weak at the knees!? Having no cartilage...................

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If I've a bunch of insects living on me, does that make me a god? It makes you someone who's in desperate need of a bath............

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Gee that's strange I just ___________________. Had Thomas Jefferson ask me to sing that song "Lay down Sally."

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What is something you like to sniff? I'd like to turn this answer over to my 7 year daughter who got poop on her hand while taking care of buisness in that Michael's store..........It was SO funny when she just HAD to continue to smell her hand! Don't worry she washed...........FuRiOuSlY!

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Who died and made you king? Thats what I said when I refused to sign the Act of Succession..........

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Whenever I think about ____________, I light up inside! :) How I swallowed that flashlight...................

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Did you save a piece for me? What piece? (with icing on my nose)

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What will lift a week old mustard stain off a black, cotton T shirt without ruining the shirt ? a black Sharpee..............

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You think if you shaved all the hair off your body, you'd have enough for a small rug? Isn't that how Toupee's are made? little bit of advice.......avoid the curly rugs.

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I can't believe I forgot my ____________ on the seat of the taxi! What ever will I do? Holey socks..............I almost said Holy Socks.

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I was at a funeral recently a guy's cell phone rang 4 times during the service what is the matter with people? I was part of a panel for an interview. One of the interviewees was giving a long response and when I looked up the chairman of the panel was texting on her phone. Nothing is as bad as a funeral but technology is replacing EVERYTHING!

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Is it fun getting your pussy licked by a dog You should ask the dog..............He'd probably just say its.........ROUGH!! Ruff!

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Were you just singing or is there a cat in terrible pain where you're at? Whats NEW! Pussy Cat.....................Whoa....Whoa....Whoa.........cough, cough.....spit

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I really hope my head doesn't _______________. look like Charlie Brown's but then again I would'nt need to buy a Holloween custume.

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What is your opinion on Texas discontinuing comdemmed prisoner's last meal requests ? I think they should give them beets to see if they'll pee purple...................

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I ran out of condoms the other day and decided to use plastic wrap and a rubber band. Whats the odds that I got this chick preggo? I'd like to know the odds in which you used the wrap again for your sandwich.......If you did, give me the rubberband so I can flick you in the back of the head.

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IT'S TIME TO MAKE THE DONUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just had a dream that the wheels on your car were actually glazed donuts. You may want to go check them out.

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What is your idea of a "perfect" life? 7 bedrooms for 7 wives..................They would all like each other very much so that I could be downstairs................watching Sportscenter.

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What was your first word and how did you say it? I'm sure it was................teet

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Will you continue to use Netflix after they turn into Qwikster? Netflix isn't turning into Qwikster......................Netflix's streaming will coninue to be called Netflix while their DVD service is turning into Qwikster. I still use both of their services and I'm very happy with them.......

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What are the breathing pores in plants called? PLEASE ANSWER FOR MY SCIENCE RESEARCH WORK. Darth Vater holes..........

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What are the traditional rules about Jack-o-lanterns on Halloween night? If you see someone walking around with a Jack-o-Lantern underneath their arm than they could be the Headless Horseman.........Also I hope they were wearing good deordarant..................

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If aliens came to Earth and we had to select one person, alive or dead, to represent humanity, who would you choose? Jean Luc Pircard........................played by Patrick Stewart of course..........Engage!

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Do you think adding swear words helps you drive your point better? I think the President should think about adding some swear words to the State of the Union. They will be bleeped out but I'm thinking it will add some emphasis..................................For example: I will reduce the Bleeping bleep deficit........

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Do you find peace in the ocean? Jimmy Hoffa found it.................................

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If you could put a bumper sticker on the President's personal limo, what would it say? STOP! calling me Osama.......

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I like to ________ at least every day.. turn my underwear inside out........

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Drunk Taco Bell customer walks up to the drive through and tries to order, calls 911 when the restaurant refuses him. Should he be arrested? It's too bad that David Lettermen wasn't the attendent at the time...........

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Do you have a theory on the brontosaurus? yes I do......................it is where nail fungus originated from.

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Would you please put some _______ on my _______? balm.........................bumm

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Hey dad I _________ so I'm going to ___________ hey dad I'm tired of looking at those black socks with all your summer outfits so I'm going out to buy a cattleprod.

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Gee, you smell ____________ . funny....................have you been using water for deordorant again?

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What had happen was ___________ so I _____________ What had happened was this beautiful woman walked right by me so I turned my head for just a second and I almost forgot I was with my gf until I felt her bag hit me in the balls.....................

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The best way to fight obesity.....Creat a law where everybody has to walk around in their underwear!what do you think?? and not just regular underwear..............bikini briefs........speedos..ETC....and submit a clause that everyone must bathe APPROPRIATLY!

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How do you react when someone mentions "Macbeth"? What kind of McDonald's sandwich is that?

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I have had enough of your________________. Shan........nan.............igans

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Are you at the beck and call of your telephone and cell phone? These appliances requires so much attention and they are demanding! No.......it's my gf's Chihuahua.............the neediest dog I've ever known..............little bastard

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How do you respond when a stranger gives you a compliment? I break out into the tune.............Strangers in the night..........exchanging glances..............strangers in the night.................na na na...na na

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"Nicolas Cage awoken by naked man with Fudgesicle" Is there a more quasi-random news headline than that? That wasn't no fudgesicle......................you would wake up quickly too if that was shoved in your face.

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You walk into McDonald's and you order __________________ . A Bazooka.....................To kill the flies!

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How would you feel if someone Chinese played joke and went pee pee in your Coke? ahhhhhhhhhhhh you play Joke? now me love you long tine. I play joke back.

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Do you get up in church and sing Rock Me Sexy Jesus? I always thought he'd be sexier with dreds.................like a Predator............He doesn't need the toys though.

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When's the last time you or someone you know spontaneously combusted? When I spontaneously threw gasoline on them..........................

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What if you found out that Oprah was the way, the truth and the light? I would tell Steadman....................Good luck with all that.................

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Would you disown your child if they didn't become a doctor? I would only disown him if he decided not to be a Gynacologist.

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When is someone to old to ask others to "Pull their finger" ?? I'm trying to ween my daughter off of the "Finger" to the woopie cushion.................it's not working.............she wants to do both now.

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Look, i don't mind lending you clothes, but how did it get those claw marks on the back? Sorry...............she didn't give me time to get the shirt off.

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Can you bounce? Only if you give me your checkbook...............

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My cat licks plastic sometimes,is that very bad for her? Only if I find her running off with my debit card...........meow!

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Does it tickle when you touch it? it also giggles............like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

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Where did you ancestors first settle? They settled on getting the hell out of Germany and came to America...........Then I was born and they ran screaming back.

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Cough please, will you? I've tried and this frog won't budge.................little bastard

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Would you wear a crash helmet to protect your head from a vicious woodpecker? Thats silly.....................I'll continue to tie a chunk of wood to the side of my head.

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You make me __ Want to repeatedly vomit in my own mouth.............

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Where were eyeglasses first made? I believe by accident at a Coca Cola plant.........................

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What will happen if I put my cat in the freezer? Check and see if Dr. Seuss wrote "The cat in the freezer".

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It's a nice cold day, what do you drink to warm you up? Anything but gasoline....................

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Does wearing only one contact lens improve or worsen the eyesight of the other eye? What other eye? I'm a Cyclops...............but I'm no monster..............I have feelings you know.......

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Where did you sit in the school cafeteria,with the brains,the jocks,the weirdos,the stoners,alone or other ?:-) I sat with the Janitor.........................I watched him do the equations on the black board............................I'm now at MIT.

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The Shroud of Turin contents DNA of Christus. Suppose we clone Christus with this DNA, should the clone be able to turn water in Beaujolais? Oh hell yeah.........................Make a park and call it.....................Christasic park.

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How many soda do you have left? Not many..........smack!..................look at this root beer belly.

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Enough of _____________ ? 8 is enough.......................time to move on to another show if you haven't already done so.

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Never say __________________. a racial epitat.............to a surgeon before he operates on you.

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How many soda do you have left? I have many soda left and I don't share "Buuuuuuuuuurp"

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When you meet a female named Janie, do you start singing "Janie's got a gun"? Yes and everytime I meet a Lorena............... I sing "Lorena's got a knife."

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i am getting married in june 2012, a month before i turn 19. some people look down on me for marrying so young. is it wrong to marry at 18? My daughter is 7 years old and this is what I'm trying to instill in her: Before you get married: Get your education Get your career going Get your own place Spend your own money Experience independence Nothing wrong with having a boyfriend while doing these things.

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What would someone find in a shopping cart that would tell them it has to be yours???? 507 pairs of socks................

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Why would my boyfriend masterbate to a picture of his ex girlfriend? Why would he look at her facebook photos daily? Is he over her yet? The thing that the bf needs to work on the most is the art of ........................TMI! Actually this isn't about him. This is about you and what you're willing dealing with.

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What celebrity has the most beautiful eyes? Kirstie Alley..............by far the most piercing.

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My hair today looks _______________________? like Donald Trumps............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................NOT!

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If you see a man dress in women's clothing out in a public setting, how would you react to the guy in women's clothing? Stare.......but not for long......This happened when I took my daughter to a water park. This man also had his daughter and discreetly dressed in womens clothes. (Not swim wear) What struck me the most was what appeared to be a good relationship with his daughter. (about 6 years old)

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What is something you shouldn't do while on a roller coaster ride? Think about any...............of the Final Destination movies.

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What would you NOT want to see out of the front window to your home? Our 90 something year old neighbors having another orgy.............................

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Why plants can't talk? Imagine the yapping when I'm trying to cut the grass..........................

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Is Richard Simmons the least fit fitness instructor ever? He's certainly the most emotional instructor we've ever had.............

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Have you ever been accidentally locked in the back of a truck and driven away to another town? Yes.......and like a dog...........I always find my way back home......

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What if someone deliberately got caught on To Catch A Predator, just so they could take a swing on Chris Hansen? I would'nt take a swing..........I'd be asking where he gets his haircut............

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An Ohio Man was arrested for having sex with a neighbor's raft in their pool by police. Is this even possible? o hell yeah!.............You had to see that raft...................one damn sexy raft.........I would have had sex with it but the police was having sex and they said to wait my turn..........he then took his night stick out and I ran.

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I have dark brown hair, And I want to dye it with perfect 10 dark blond butterscotch boom. I say go for it...........and you'll Koollikethat.................Snoop says foshizzle......

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Have you ever had or seen candy panties? Only in prison.......for some reason even the guards were wearing candy panties.

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What did you have for lunch today? Was it good or not so good? Multi colored twizzlers......................I lined them all up until it resembled a Rainbow.......................Then all of a sudden a Unicorn appeared and opened a portal to a universe of foods that you could only dream of...............

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Why do men always have dick on the brain? good question...............because mine talks to me.........so I get this visualization...........It's saying why are you neglecting me?...............You need to find me that delicious cave of pleasure.............if you don't..........I will make it my mission to accidently get caught in your zipper.

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A 16-year-old boy was throwing rocks at a sport utility vehicle. The passenger shot him with an arrow in retaliation. Who was right? The 16 year old boy was right...............................The driver of the vehicle should have accidently ran his ass over.

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Floods averywhere - is anyone shipping life jackets? Yes and only for the discounted price of 1900.99 cents...................

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Have any great scientific breakthroughs taken place on the International Space Station? No............but there have been some really great pranks..............especially that time when I released all of the oxygen out into space.

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If a balloon pops near to you, what is your reaction? To talk really quickly in case I ingested Helium........I like to sound like a cartoon character.

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Are the endeavors of Wile E. Coyote animated examples of Murphy's Law? Yes...........but what about the Cadavers?

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A repair guy came over who looked exactly like my uncle. Guess what his name was? Right! Same as my uncle's. That ever happen to you? Yeah....................but was he competent in his repair? and what did he repair.

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What frequently happens when you enter? it usually follows with her comment: so...........are you in yet?

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How to you law of attraction to loose weight? I use the law of............subtraction

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You can have a million reasons why to leave me but i can only give you one reason for you to stay,because I love you Tina Turner called...............................started singing "Whats love got to do with it"! I then yelled at her: Aren't you retired? Then there was a slamming on my door.......................She said she sent Ike.

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What if ________________ ? You looked closely into the light.....................then Elvis says: WTF are you doing?

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Were you guys happy for Beyonce when she announced her pregnancy on VMA's last night? Hey............I'm just trying to get used to her and Jay-Z being a couple.

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Have you tried building a snowman in hell? No............Satan asked: What is that in your hand? Then I peed right in his face.

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My boyfriend is wanting me to be more aggressive in bed, any tips? Put a car battery in the room and throw a pair of jumper cables in the bed.....................................

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Do you save letters? I hope Vanna White isn't saving them..........

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Is 6 years old too young to walk to school if you live about 1/2 mile from the school? Not unless you walk with them...........................

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What happened when you got kicked between the legs? You heard the sound "CLANK" It's wise to always keep the pot you piss in................................close

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How good is your "POSTURE" on a scale of 1-10 ( 10 being excellent) ? I'm about as erect as they come.............................10.......................

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How many women have gone to jail by having their dog lick their vagina? Good thing it wasn't a cat.....................their tonques are like sandpaper.

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This ISN'T a question. and this isn't an answer.............it's a bodily function.

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Is anyone else going to go sit on Wrightsville Beach (NC) and watch Irene go by? Nope..................I'm currently in the eye of Irene...............with my arm floaties on..........................looking for my beer and the lost shaker of salt.

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is this the place where people ask questions? Yes......this is the Field of Dreams..........but it's not about baseball.

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Im a hobby baker and need to get cake/cupcake boxes, where is a good website to purchase from? I'm a hobby eater and as soon as you get those boxes........................You let me know as soon as possible.

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Why did you buy my significant-other a falcon? Holy Falcon sh.t......he could'nt take care of a rock if he tried...............................

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Wow that is one enormous_______________you have there, isnt it? Molar............................(Donny Osmond just signed off of AB)

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I wanna destroy _________________ My enemies destroyer in the friendly game of "Battleship" Hey you sank my Battleship! No I didn't, I sank your destroyer you idiot.

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Complete this sentence: Sometimes, it's hard to be a ________________. Beatle..............................(from the guy who used to be a Beatle)

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I wanna destroy _________________ the Buracreacy thats preventing the Worlds Freedom tower from being built.....................

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A man needs a ________ Tampon..............like a woman needs Sportscenter.

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Complete this sentence: If you were my _______________, I would always __________ you. Monkey..........................................shock you...............................(Peter Gabriel forced me to say that).

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Do you get your exercise by running to the restroom? no...............it's where I get to read my newspaper..........by running to the restroom.

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what is a good comeback when someone says "u think u wanna be tall cuz u wearing heels". Justin Beiber called.........................................he wants his haircut back.

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(For guys) Do you think it's gross to kiss a girl after she's given you head? Thats really selfish for a guy to worry about when it's the woman who's just swallowed it! Advice. Use Softsoap wild cherry and Bamboo before the woman goes down.............The woman will appreciate it.

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What was your first thought when you heard the recent news about Steve Jobs? For me, it was "I wonder how Bromide feels about this?' Makes me think.................all this success and may not be around to enjoy it......................Hang in there Steve.

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what do u say if some girl is laughing at wat a bully said wat a bully said to me??????? Did'nt Christina Aquilera sing a song: What a Bully wants........what a Bully gets.......................

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Do you like to wash your vehicle? I've been washing my 11 year old car about every 2 weeks for 10 years and you can tell........................but do I like to wash it?....................not really.

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Democratic party! Republican party! Green party! I'm starting a Beer Party, who is with me? I just talked to Bill and he's bringing his saxophone...............

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Who wants marshmellows? Me........................I want to do my best Godfather "I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse".

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When you put on a crisp clean white shirt, how long does it stay that way? My father would'nt know about that...........he's been wearing the same t-shirt for 17 years.

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what would you do if aliens invaded? I would'nt have to wonder what Alien sex would be like..................anymore

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How should I go about talking to older women? I'm not looking at her.............kind of worried about the dropping dead part, but I'll take your word for it...........work on the very very intimidation and find the courage to approach her...........next thing you know, you have gained RICO SAUVE!!!!! and the women are working on their very very intimidation with you.

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I forgot. What was I supposed to do ? Shave the back of that 400 pound woman who's laying in your bed all seductively............................Hey ICEMAN!

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Do you like old western movies? I love me some cowboys! How about some new?............ Cowboys and Aliens.................if not then I'll pull a Clint Eastwood and say..............you are.............UnFoRgiVeN.

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did you feel that earthquake today!? Yes..........I was in the garage hanging underwear........(no joke)...I heard the noise with my dancing underwear. It was an experience I'll not soon forget.

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why are those people outside my door? Because the Girlscouts are pissed that you haven't paid them their money. Wipe those Do-si-dos off your face when you answer the door.............................

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what kind of bug is that? I never noticed the bug..........I was busy finding myself.

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Are you trying to find yourself? no........but I'm working on touching myself..........Where's that 80s song?

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Why don't they write songs with the words "rock and roll" in them any more? I just added some lyrics to the "Happy Birthday" song....................

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what causes a person to faint? Waking up next to their soulmate's mouth wide open with the tonque protruding and resting in his own nose.................

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What do you think of people that drive used police motorcycles while wearing a white helmet? ...................That might be a Terminator on that motorcycle who could liquidfy his finger into a pen...........who would force anyone to sign that freakin speeding ticket.

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Why are women totally submissive to men in most Religions ? I must be in the wrong religion...................I'll do some research right after I finish the dishes....................

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my girlfriend dumped me cuz her friend told her to, then we got back together, my friend thinks i deserve compensation should i ask for it Yes............but don't seek a compensation package from your gf's friend...............

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Why do all of the drivers behind me keep honking at me? Stop tying that baby carriage to the back of your bumper...................Stop being lazy and just push it like normal people do.

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Is it possible to bleed from bordom? for me it's more of a possibility when I'm juggling knives which was due to boredom.......................

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Why Are Poor People Less Likely to Be Married Than Wealthier People (study)? I think it has something to do with teeth and underwear.

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How to make green eyes stand out with makeup? It ownly requires a fork..........................Take the fork...........apply the right kind of pressure and it actually will pop the eye out of it's socket.

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Have you ever had an argument with your computer? Who won? I wouldn't say it's arguing.........It's more like bickering. If I've told you ONCE! I've told you a THOUSAND times! Then the power goes off.

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Have you ever wanted "To Kill A Mocking Bird"? No..........but I want to kill that woodpecker who's on time every morning at 5:17am.

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Name a reason you might not use a public restroom? George Michael who usuallly asks for more than just toilet paper...........

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What would you say to a glass of drinking chocolate? I would say to the glass that you're going down so quick that thats where your name came from...Nestle quik!

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To get the most out of your ___________, learn more about _______ . Prostitute.............................what pisses her pimp off.

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Are you an extravert, or an intravert? Put me down for extravert.........I have lots and lots of verts.

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Excuse me, would you care to dance? Michael Jackson called...................He wants his glove back.

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When was the last time that something actually made you go/say "WOW" ? what was it? A water park at Disney: Typhoon Lagoon. The wave pool shoots out this mini Tsunami every 90 seconds and I said WOW to every single one of them.

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Don't you hate when something compels you to watch an old film you remember as being awesome, only to realize it sucks? Doesn't apply to the following TV shows: All in the family and the Andy Griffith show................

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my bank has been paying my property tax for 14 years, now all of a sudden I get a letter saying my house is going up for sale in 14 days They must have worked your property tax into your mortgage and you have missed some payments.

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You always seem to be deep in thought. Tell me, what are you thinking right now? I have a box of about 20 Highlighters and that they should last me a lifetime...................

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Is the world really going to end in 1995? Yes.......and this is heaven.

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What's your cleavage rule? My gf needs to have more cleavage than me.....................

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Instead of reaching for the TV remote i grabbed__________________ My housekeeper....no.........wait...........that was Arnold Schwartznegger.

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What is Morita Therapy? Therapy that changes your behavior like Pat Morita's. Always calm, cool and collected in the face of adversity.

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Would you buy cable from a salesman wearing a mowhawk? After I took a closer look, I realized he was holding a scalp........I quickly passed.

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Do you mind if I mind....?? You shouldn't be worried about borrowing a pair of my socks........................

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Arnold ______. Schwartzneggar said to his maid: I'm hea to pump........YOU UP!

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Why do I have so many moles? I would'nt question it. You should connect the moles and except that it is the spitting image of Jesus Christ.

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what kind of footwear are you wearing at the moment? Footwear? What the hell is footwear?

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Gone with the _________________. Milkman.........The last note my mother left.

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Would you ever write a note to your Doctor? If so, when? Yes............I wrote a note telling him that it is hightly unusual that he needs to check my prostate 17 times a year.

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How would you feel if someone you work with doesn't say good-bye as they leave for the day? I would feel the need to put their pencil sharpner in a bowl of Jello.................

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In the morning I normally wake up at ______ and feel________________________ the zoo............................like a Gorilla had it's way with me.

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What leaves you speechless? Overweight people who think they look good in spandex..............................

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Spilled coffee on the keyboard,so googled ,said to put in top rack of dishwasher,hot wash and dry cycle,really?should I?? So thats why I found a mouse in the garbage disposal!

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What are you doing ?? You talking to me? YOU TALKIN TO ME!

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You could win ______________. But then again...........swimming from Cuba to Florida is harder than you think.

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If you were bullied in high school, do you have a message you would like to pass on to the bullies now? Hello, my name is Mark Zuckerberg, and now you want to come work for me?

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You ever just get all blah, and you wanna log on but you're like meh, so you just go whatever and end up bleh? I need to hire you for my next motivational speaker...........You'll be up before Chris Farley.

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OMG - whatever happened to you? Being raised by Wolves did have it's advantages though..................Taking a bath by licking myself wasn't one of them.

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After eating a burrito I ___________. Found it got the last laugh because it diarrhea'd on my shirt before it met it's tragic end.............

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If you had wings, what would they look like? Well, they better not look like a chicken wing....................

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Ladies: If you prefer NOT to date men with kids do you feel bad about that? I do, but it's just not something I'm interested in. I can understand..................One day,when me and my gf arrived at her house, her 16 year old daughter was laying out in the backyard on her back. (30 degree wx) When I asked what she was doing, she said she was trying to communicate with GOD.

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I need all of you to stop what you are doing and__________________________ put the limbs back on the Barbi dolls.............................

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If you were an icecream _______________ ;-) Truck............I would drive it to Hell and hope that Satan would get one of those Ice Cream cold headaches.........Even Satan can't resist ice cream.

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Does God have manners? They are impeccable........he prides himself...........I think he took the 5th day off from making the Heavens and the Earth to work on them.

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How big is your penis I'd tell ya but he hasn't come out of shell.............He used to come out snapping.........put some sound effects to that...........

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What if Emma Watson offered to show you her "Hairy Pooter"? She can poot on me anytime.............She's such a cutie pie..................and I'm not gonna shut my pie-hole.

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When did you stop beating your _____ ? Meat?..........When she said it started to taste like leather.

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What is the meanest reply you can think of to "I love you"? You're just infactuated......................I felt it was the right thing to say on our first date right before we got on the bus.

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If you get a bubble on your arm from accidentally burning yourself, what do you do? You could rent a movie with John Travolta. The Boy in the plastic bubble......You then have something better...............to make a sequel.

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Should I be nervous about starting College? Yes............You should be nervous about the cost......but maybe you could start a website where you could hook up all kinds of college kids.............a social site...........They could talk about nothing and look at faces all day long.

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Are feelings determined by bodily fluids? Actually it's determined by how they are cleaned up.................if it requires no clean up and just something to drink then Love will be stretching it's skinny neck...................

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Chicken or the egg? Which one would you eat? Why did I just get an image of a chicken cooking scrambled eggs?

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I have a 2000 dodge neon and i just won a set of 20 inch rims. Will the rims fit my car? Hey........I have a better idea...........why don't you just put the 20s on a Mini?

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How happy do you have to be, to be really happy? Me in bed with my right hand holding a Smirnoff and her right hand holding my Google.........................

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I'm not a ___________________ Virgin..........don't let her laughter fool you.

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What do you do with souvenirs that other people have given to you as gifts from other countries? I will sit there and literally stare to see if the shrunken head actually gets smaller............................

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Do you think honesty still the best policy? False......Did'nt Abraham Lincoln get in trouble for making a comment about how his wife looked in a dress?

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My ceiling fan has two blades turning clockwise, two going counter clockwise and one is stationary. How do I fix this? Why fix it? Use the stationary blade as a cup holder.....................................

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Let's punch_____________! Evander Holyfield instead of biting his ear off!...............................Mike?

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da dat dat deet dee dee deet deet dee dee deet deet deet di di diii da dat dat deet dee dee deet deet dee dee deet diit di diii Constipated are we?

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it's_______________________time! Time won't give me time! Cmon Boy George! where are you!

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when do you know if your snake is ready to breed? (albino kingsnake) When he is successful with unlocking the zipper mechanism. I don't want any more kids but he does have a mind of his own.............

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R U Sirius?! Yes and it's friday and U R XT! Don't let me take the car for a spin........unless you have excellent insurance.

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What are some good positions for boobie sex? Outside by the close line................where I have an endless supply of clothpins........Don't even think about removing any from my boobies.

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my son throws his terrible twos tantrums but it happens if i simply say no to something what should i do to control him? is this normal? Children are smarter than you think. He throws his tantrums to get your attention. I would tell my daughter that I'll talk to her when her tantrum is over................

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Why is God hidden? Because he has this huge wart on his nose.................

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Will the SF Giants win the World Series this year? BOSTON IS HOT HOT HOT! Sucks that my Rays are in the same division with the Yankees too!

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What do you plan to do "when the sun goes down"? As long as it's.........Not on me.........that would suck.

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FITB: Hurry up before _________________! Before you go go cause I'm not planning on going solo..........sorry got George Michael on my brain. (yes it's wake me up but it was close)

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Im just outside Prague,What do you think I'm saying to this Czech officer? I haven't seen a bathroom in hours...........I need to pee in that hat.

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What qualities or feelings do men look for, in reference to wanting to commit to a woman? If she will share her honey with her 6 piece Mcdonalds nuggets meal.............It's the honey that makes the meal.

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If an object (star, planet...) in space is rotating, is there a force in space that would cause the rotation to slow down over time? Yes.........that force is Oprah Winfrey's weight and I belive she has singled handedly caused the Earth's rotation to slow down by .50 degrees. Maybe she should rethink the retirement issue..............

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In how many ways can the letters in the word INVESTIGATION be arranged? Sorry, not in the mood to investigate.........

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From an ocean liner to a Chinese junk, there ain't been a ____________________. Friday night, it was late, I was walking you home, I got down to the gate. I was dreaming of the night..............would it be alright.

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Do you wish you had a godfather like Sirius Black? Why or why not? I want my Godfather to be Peter Sellers dressed like the Godfather. While he's talking I will slap him really hard on his back to make him start choking on his cottonballs.

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what does bare feet have in common with bear feet? Well.........my bare feet have these knarly looking nails that can tear flesh clean off the bone. In fact, I've actually killed bear with my feet.

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Is the US economy headed into an iceberg? That figures because life has been pretty Damn good for me. I'm Leonardo Decapichino standing at the bow waving my arms like an idiot...........................Look at me...........I'm flying!

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All you Philadelphia Phillies Phans...Who is your favorite Phillie? Donovon McNabb but I'm glad he's gone. I think he was eating to many Philly cheese steaks.

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Why are people in such a hurry that they stop the microwave with 3 seconds to go on the timer? Thats why whenever I microwave something I automatically deduct 3 seconds so that it always stops on 0..................

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Mr. ______________. Jones..........the husband of Mrs. Jones..............who's got a thing going on.........and Mr. Jones doesn't know or doesn't give a shit.

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Do you know anyone whose had a nosebleed the first time they saw a woman naked, or is that just anime? That happened to me because apparently the woman's husband didn't appreciate me seeing his wife naked....................Geez.......so sensitive.

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What is an effective way to deal with nose hair? removal of the nose..............

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What comes as a great wave of relief to you? Why? When a public place has a family restroom................

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How romantic do you like your lover to be? When does it get too cheesy? When her sexy talk becomes more and more like baby talk and I refuse to wear anymore diapers.

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Ever been in a situation where common sense clashed with procedure? Procedure says "Do X" but common sense says "Do Y". What did you do? I did.................... Z

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Who is your favorite Terry? I can't believe that goofball Terry Bradshaw has 4 superbowl rings............

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The first _________________. Lady looks like an owl..................hoooooooooooooooooooooooo!

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Why did the Bionic Man cost so much? Couldn't they have gone to Radio Shack and brought the bits instead? Please don't make me relive the breakup of the Bionic Man and the Bionic Woman............I'm still heartbroken to this day.

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So, how did the cow jump over the moon? ;-) Quickly..........especially after he heard that Denny's was serving the "Moon over my Hammy" sandwiches.

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What do you think of me? If you gonna be mean, be as mean as possible. If you gonna be sweet be as sweet as possible. I think I'd like to hit you in the face with a banana cream pie. That way I can be mean and sweet as possible................... at the same time.

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Do ever consider having an extra finger? I'd rather have an extra arm so that I could scratch my ass while driving my stickshift.........

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If you were to buy a casket early, for your self, can you list one thing you could use it for before you die? Pour all of my Count Chocula in.............and not share with anyone.

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Which is a better name for my daughter: Shaniqua or Kunta-Kinte why you axin me?

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It's ________ to ____________ It's rare to talk to Angelina without wanting to put syrup on those pancake lips............

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There are two supid ___________________. people that won't be winning any spelling contests.......

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My son spends all his money the second he gets it,always asks for more,doesn't work(9 years old) and whines.Could he be a democrat ? Don't tell me that a year from now you will raise the debt ceiling?

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Which features do you wish would be brought back to Answerbag? Which ones do you wish would be removed? Why? I would like to have the toilet paper feature so that there are no interruptions WHATSOEVER.

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Should the police have a special squad riding around in Humvees with mounted .50-cal guns to make examples out of underage smokers? I would rather make examples out of the elderly. Walking around with their pants past their belly buttons and all...................

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Are you one of those who can chat with gays, bikers, Jeep workers, teachers and professors and still have cool conversations? I can have conversations with all of these professionals but I still lack the ability to talk to elevator attendents. All they want to talk about is classical music................

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What vegetable tastes best in hot weather? The one that was furthest in the back of the refrigerator....................

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Would you rather be Spiderman or Batman & why? Spiderman.....................it's all in the webbing. How would Batman make a hammock? I can't lay down on a bunch of bats.

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Do you have any quirks? ........ before I pee, I like to say: ON YOUR MARK, GET SET..................GO! But it sucks because sometimes I forget to pull my fly down.

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my exhusband named his new baby the name WE had picked out for our child. what does that say? It says that why on Earth would anyone name their child "Huckleberry" regardless if they're divorced or not...........................

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Victoria's Secret Free Shipping? I'll take free shipping.........are you going to send me one of those models. It doesn't matter which one...........I'm not picky.

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Victoria's Secret Free Shipping? I'll take free shipping.........are you going to send me one of those models. It doesn't matter which one...........I'm not picky.

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Will covering my pie with aluminum foil prevent the aliens from eating it? I would'nt be talking about alien's like that. They are quite sensitive and are waiting for a reason to abduct something. Instead of the pie, I'd think about covering your piehole................................with aluminum foil and NOT the cheap stuff!...use Reynolds.

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What do you think about tattoos and the people who have them? Be perfectly honest. I just receive my first and I LOVE it!!!!!!!!! bit of advice: Don't pass out from being drunk. I probably would'nt have a Justin Beiber portrait on my back.

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Name something you'd hate to see fall on a floor during an operation? The head surgeons Justin Beiber key chain.........................................

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Here's a picture of me holding up my smartphone in the mirror. Do I need new bathroom fixtures? Charles Manson called.................................wants his bathroom fixtures back.

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So if Jesus came back from the dead was he a zombie? Yes and Satan was pissed........................for Jesus stealing his idea........

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If you didn't have to work for a living, and you had lots of money, what would you do with your time? I would buy millions of sticky notes. I'd build a sticky note suit and wear it on Holloween. Hello, I'm sticky note man and I want some candy..............

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what do i do? my boy friend use to be so nice but now he is so controlling I know what you mean...........my gf is trying to force me to eat the outter end of the loaf of bread..........but I refused................how do I get up from the table though?

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r u sad? nope.........I'm RU Sirius

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My brother just kicked me in the nut sack. How should I extract revenge on him? I will be exacting some tough acting extracting of revenge if you call it a nut sack again...........IT's BALLS!

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What shoes are you wearing right now? Did you have to ask.............check your peripheals

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My dad is verbally abusive toward my mom. He doesn't get physically abusive, but it still bothers me. What should I do? My fiance was married for 20 years to a verbally abusive person. I wonder what else comes with this package. Her ex husband also took away basic freedoms. EX: Wasn't allowed to go places. Extremely jealous. Wasn't allowed to go to the mail box unless he watched! Hopefully it isn't that bad but if he's taking away certain basic freedoms. Then legally she can do something about...

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Why does a beautiful woman eating a banana draw attention? Because Sigmund Frued once said that all men want their banana's to be a permanent part of a woman's Banana split.......................

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can a nikon dslr only use nikon/nikkor lenses? It only matters if the photographer is wearing NIKE shoes...........................

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Isn't it naturally wrong to wear clothes? You think it would be but if I'm in Anartica and I look down and my willy is a wonderful blue and then falls off....................I don't think that was intended to be natural.......However....since I find myself in Antartica, I would pick up my wonderful blue willy and take it to the nearest surgeon or fisherman and just sew it back on......THERE! wonderful willy is back!

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what's good to bring in for an office breakfast (besides doughnuts) Some fruit. Strawberries. Twister. Some creme. Crisco oil or vegetable oil. Did I mention Twister? the game Twister. Before they start checking emails they could grease themselves up and play a little morning twister. After that, they could eat the strawberries, if they feel like it.........or maybe just go back to the doughnuts.

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If Godzilla was a cross dresser where on earth would he buy his lingerie? At my house. My finance weighs 1200 lbs and you should see how she eats. in fact, McDonalds established a delivery service just for her. In fact, I have a reverse drive through window just for her. McDonalds pulls up and I open the window and they shove 48 hamburgers in her mouth. Godzilla comes by and I stick our her sexy negligees and panties through the very same window. Godzilla takes...

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I hit a pole at a restaurant The light was out This is the 4th time since Feb the pole has been hit Is the restaurant liable for the repairs The resturaunt has nothing to do with it. I sometimes forget about the privacy when I feel like polishing my pole which is right next to the resturaunt. It's funny how drivers get distracted when one pole is taken out because of another pole................................

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How hot was it? You see the tip of my finger? You see how red it is? I just touched my ass and it sizzled like a piece of BACON! DID YOUR REALLY HAVE TO ASK? Where are your peripheals man! Take a class! do something.............

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Would you hate me If I hated you? Not only would I hate you, but I'd play with you. Give you a haircut in your sleep. Draw a moustache on you. Put a sign on you. A Sign? A sign at Greely's. Who's the fella that own's this shithole. I own this establishment.............Then I'd blow you away! Thats what happens when you decorate your saloon with my friend. PS: Sorry about the rambling and the movie quotes.

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Do you believe in allowing your mind to wander? It's not a matter if I believe................it wanders unannounced.............thats why when I take a test..............I have to allow the eyes to wander too.

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What if zombie George Washington told you "I cannot tell a lie, I'm here to eat your brain"? Check his teeth and if there are brain remnants in the splinters then I'd believe the bastard........................

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why do people say you broke my heart in 2? Because you can't break it in 1...........

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Can you tell a lot about a person based on their handshake? and how they slurp their milkshake...............

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Are you calling me a _________?! freak? did the Unicorn give it away?

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If you had to carry a self-defence weapon , what would be your choice? Post hole digger...................to get started on defensing the fence.

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I think i have _______________ in my _____________!! not enough hair spray in my Flock of Seagulls haircut............flop

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I was swimming in a pool i hit my head really hard and i have a huge knot head, and it was bleeding. I have a headache and im a bit natious. How many times did I have to tell you that I don't share arm floaties?

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How do you respond to being woken up in the morning? By telling Angelina that for the 5th time to stop confusing me for Brad and take the child on her way out..........................

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How come in soccer, if tha final score would be a tie, why would they leave it as it is? Shouldnt there be overtimes? Yes.............the fans should come down and be given a chance to kick a penalty shot in the opposing goalies balls.............................

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Do you believe God has a Plan for everyone? If he does than he's a serious micromanager................

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Do you think that diamond rings are overrated? No.............especially when she doesn't know it's Cubit Zarconium.......

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what is the upper and lower range that current sensor can measure I've tried measuring Mariah's range but the sensor explodes everytime.................

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Do you live by this saying "You Reap What You Sow!"? No..........Always use a thimble when you sow.

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When do you think you'll get laid off, downsized, or made redundant? I stand a real good chance of getting laid tonight!

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How much do you hate waiting? I hate it so much that I immediately pee in my pants..................

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How often do you use your dishwasher, if you have one? If you don't, how often do you do your dishes? What are dishes?

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Give me a comforting thought to fall asleep on tonight...I'm feeling really lonely and sad... When evening falls and daylight is fading. from within me calls. Could it be I am sleeping. for a moment I stray. Then it holds me completely. close to home, I cannot say. close to home, feeling so far away. Evening falls from Enya................................

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I need another job...just had a student try to throw a chair at me, throw a pen and a textbook at me (blocked with my hand). You are now qualified for Hazardous Duty pay.....................I have sent over Cato.............he is hiding somewhere in your house............waiting for you................hopefully not in the frig.

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How do you know if it's true love? Maria Shriver just starred in her own movie: True Lies......................

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Which Seinfeld character are you? It can be any character from the show. It doesn't have to be one of the main four. I wish I could be the Soup Nazi just so I could say NO RAMEN NOODLES FOR YOU!!!!!!!!

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Does your pay level reflect your intelligence level? I can't fill out a crossword puzzle to save my life and you would'nt see me filling one out in my Jaguar...........................................

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Complete this sentence: Even if other people __________________, I'm still going to__________________________anyway. Are crying and throwing up.........................................I'm still going to sing anyway.

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ever been just exhausted? you sleep throughout the night and still tired. so what did you do or how did you overcome it? I've been exhausted and not from sleeping throughout the night. I have to remind them that I'm not a playtoy and that I have feelings and I also need some sleep................

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This woman uses human bones to make jewelry! This makes me really angry(see rant in answer), what do you think? If a future wife of mine prematuraly dies then I'd like to have my wifechimes out in the back yard while I daydream in my hammock..................................

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What is, by far, the biggest mistake ever made in human history? Letting Donald Trump wear that thing on his head..................

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Why is forgiving yourself the hardest thing to do? Nothing that a Hallmark card can't solve. When I care to send myself the very best.....................

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What business do you have in my castle? If you'd have an out-house than I'd be doing my buisness out there..................

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what is the best way to pull a loose tooth with no pain at all Pull someone elses tooth...........................

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What should I grill this weekend? yes...........you should go out with a girl this weekend.

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I work with a girl who has an bad hygiene problem. no one really knows what or how to tell her that she smells. any suggestions? Unfortunately you have to be direct but you can lighten the load: Ask her what deordarant she wears and when she tells you, say: ..........It ain't workin. You can start from there.

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where did you put my phone? If you watched the last batman movie. It wasn't the Joker who put your phone in that guys belly..................

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What is your thought on the concept of time? If I could save time in a bottle, the first thing I would do, is to save, everyday, like a treasure and then I'd spend time with you. but there never seems to be enough time to do the things you want to do..............once you find them.

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Why do people hate the police when all they do is try and help? They should'nt, Sting was at his best with the Police. De do do do, de da da da..............thats all I want to say to you.

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What is the thing you want the most? I wish I could of given Michael a few Ambien instead of that powerful sleep narcotic. Now he'll never wake up.

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If you were to dance on your enemies' graves, what kind of dance would you do? DO a few leg kicks........................throw in a........................heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! and stare deviously and sing..................sha-mon! WHOs BAD!

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I am just in love with the Australian accent! Does anyone have links to real Australian people talking? I would even settle for the news... eyyyyy do you come from a land down under! why don't you take a bite of my...............begimite...........sandwich. THROW ANOTHER SHRIMP ON THE BARBEE!

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Why are your ears so crooked? ...what? Yes they are. Denial isn't just a river in South America, you know. I keep telling you it's not my ears. Sorry, I wasn't born very symmetrical. Mom's uterus was a bitch.

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Do you think there were any differences between Buddha, Jesus and Lao-tzo? J-Lo requires the 5000 count threaded sheets, Jesus and Buddha don't have to enjoy such extravagances.............

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Does the Pope tweet? What do you think? yes and he's addicted to Angry Birds....He's got quite a temper..........I had to discipline him by having him write 100 times...........I will not take the Lord's name in vain.

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If you could ask God one question, what would you ask? How come stores don't sell odd sized jeans? NOT TOO MANY 35s out there!

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Are ghosts be capable of love/attraction? no, they only capable of moving objects so I glued many to the table and now are frusturated.

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When I went to the zoo, I saw _______ a man spend 7 dollars for a bottle of water.

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How can we stop crime? We need a super hero. I am the "The Green Speedo" Has anyone seen my jock strap?

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Tums or rolaids, which do you prefer? We doing baby names? Rolaid for a boys name sounds good to me.

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Is being 5'6" tall for a girl? It's the perfect height. I can rest my chin on your head as I hug you.

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WHAT?! You brought expensive _____________________________?! SOCKS....................Look! these are the most expensive socks I could find!

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Someone's at my front door. It looks like Richard Simmons, but it is not. Who could it be instead? It's definitely not RS. He's at my house. He showed up at my house with those shorts. It should be me who's crying.......................................

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Why do British pronouce Idea like Idear? There is no R in it! There must be some British walking around in Texas.............What's the big Idear...get er done!

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My cat will not stop peeing on everything, I changer her litter box, why and how do i fix this? What ever you do..........don't sleep with your mouth open.

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When is the best time to pray to God? On the toilet and always apologize for accidently not giving him a courtesy flush.............................

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Can anyone think of a way to float a sword for display purposes? ("Float" as in magnetically) I was able to float a BM once and I don't think it was done magnetically......................

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Anyone Know a comeback for someone saying they are right all the time? a real good one? Smell your armpit................DO YOU SMELL THAT?...............than hurl yourself through a wall or in some tables.

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I have an idea for an invention, what should I do to bring it to reality? Sorry, I already invented Toe nail shakes......................

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What if one day pigs build an aircraft and begin to fly? what will they think of next? one day, someone will say that we can actually eat a pig.......

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If you were a spice or an herb, which would you be (specifically)? look..............................Let me say this one more time...........The Spice girls are done...........they are not looking for anyone new...........I can't sing anyways...........except in the shower, I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT!

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Where Can I Purchase"The Christmas Shoes"Movie? Let me know if you need the socks.....................

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Why did you leave your last job? Apparently, sleeping is frowned upon in many of the professions I've held.......................

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Are you going to lick, flick, kick, or prick? You can lick but I'd prefer you don't flick or kick........I might go running in the woods scared and I'd end up getting a tick, then it would swell up 23 inches thick! Now isn't that slick..........................

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Do you sweat? why yes I do........................smells underarm......................smells good too.................Mitchum baby...........the best!

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How can we combat hate? Can we start with something smaller............How about these cockroaches.........................ughhhhhhhhhhh!

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If you could snap your fingers and magically every illegal alien would be gone from the entire USA what do imagine would happen the next day? If I had that kind of power WTF would I care? I'd snap 10 beautiful women who would take turns licking each of my toes with Michael Buffer Yelling LETS GET READY TO LICK TOES! Thats after Lebron James gets me my MFin drink with the cute little umbrella...................

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Wat religion are you im athiest I'm Protaginest..........................

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What do you do about people who insist that they are morally superior to you? Open my shirt and show them the ten commandments tattooed on my chest..........

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How do you know that you are not crazy? Because it's a Kaiser blade............some people call it a Slingblade..............mmmmmmmmm........hmmmmmmmmmmmm

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What do you do when there is no toilet paper in the bathroom? Call G-Travels.................You will need a Get out of free no toilet paper card though..............

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Rumor has it that I am dead. What do you think? I think Keith Richards will live forever................

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Name something that washes up on the beach? a Tommy Lee condom.........................

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If you were stuck on an elevator with a friend, and outsiders tell you it'll be over thirty minutes before they'll have you out of there would you____________________? Talk about the M. Night ShymLhymalon move....................DEVIL!

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wtf does Easter have to do with Jesus everyone just eats chocolate all day long did Jesus eat chocolate as well or something? (i'm serious) chocolate had nothing to do with it. Jesus's feet were so dirty that one morning he woke up and a rabbit was licking his foot. For the rest of his days he had quite a foot fetish..............

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Say your country was being invaded,would you take up arms and defend it? So you're saying I would have to hack peoples arms off and then I'd have to defend them. It would be funny to see a bunch of panicked stricken people running around with no arms.

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What not to say to a police officer when pulled over? Is that a nightstick or are you just glad to see me?

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Is it possible for garlic bread to be any more amazing? Only if I don't have any girlfriends...............

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Which celebrity literally lights up your world? I've always had a thing for Toni Braxton and after seeing her reality show I'm literally gushing light out of my ears. She is so humble with a little OCD.....................love that.

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Which celebrity literally lights up your world? Literally? don't grab my nipples with both hands then..............

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Is swearing a sign of unintelligence, or something else? It's a sign that my step daughter is banned from ever driving a car again.....................

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While you eat corn on the cob, does the pointy end point to the left or the right? Lady Gaga said that her pointy thing points due North and she uses it for a compass......................

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What words can you use to describe a man , on trial for murdering his baby, who admits he only fathered the child so he could torture and kill? lock me in a room with him so I can issue the brand of justice he truly deserves...........................

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What size shirt is a 4x for men? Size that people need when exiting the Golden Hog trough (Golden Corral)

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What's the most random weapon you could use to protect yourself? (no guns, knifes, swords etc). vomit............i would throw up all over myself.........if I'm lucky, projectile vomit may come up.

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Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of those things when I squeeze 'em!"? That was my great great great grandfather and unfortunately my grandmother looked like a cow...............................

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What safety precautions must you take when working with fibreglass? You should'nt mix fibre with glass..........................................not good for the digestive tract.

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My refrigerator has eaten all my food! What should I do? Wipe that stupid grin off it's face.................................

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Would you trade a Hershey bar to be loved long time? Does this only apply to Vietnamese women?

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i vomit when i see your ______________________. mother take her teeth out and I find out later she doesn't have dentures...................

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Whats the name of your favorite supermarket? Publix but it's pronounced.................pubics Ukrops but it's pronounce.................Ucraps FoodLion but it's pronounced............Foodcryin PigglyWiggly but it's pronounced........The Dirk wiggler

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What is the first thing you think of when you hear that an adult child is still living with his/her parents, purely for economic reasons? Are we talkin 40s here? My gfs 23 yr old is the laziest person I know and has to be told to do ANYTHING! He doesn't have to be told to play his video games though..........

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Can a human and a chimpanzee interbreed? (I know, it's a weird question) I guess, but what's that on their ass? How am I supposed to get in the mood with this bright red ugly thing on their ass.

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If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? I know. Thats why I have my very own black box. I take it with me on flights, in the car, when I go to the bank. I'm the talk of the town. There he is again. The Black box guy.

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Mildred Baena, the former maid and sperm receptical of Arnold Schwarzenegger is "retiring". WTF!? Just casted for a role in a movie called: The Last Action Hero's Sperm receptical.

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how do you make a plural in Japanese? Me love you long times..........................

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Do you open the door for everyone or just for women? How do you decide when to open the door for someone? I opened a door for an ant once.......he did'nt even look up in appreciation.........he just kept on going..........just because you're a worker ant doesn't mean you can diss me like that! even worker ants have to take breaks. Damn! try to do something nice!

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What would happen if a teen girl came up and groped a very sexy man? Look, I am not a play toy..........you think you can just put.....HEY!.......you got some cold ass hands man!

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In your opinion if a black person dates outside their race and not attracted to their own, is it considered self hate? He did what! he should be tarred and feathered.

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Micheal Jordan was a leader. Lebron James is a ____________________. n actor who can call up Michael Buffer" LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!

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If asked, "What is your greatest flaw?" at a job interview, what would you say? I would have to say my nerves. I have a habit of barfing on the interviewers desk. Not just the regular kind of throw up. Big chunks and it smells like cat litter and kerosene. Almost everytime the interviewer will throw up at the same time so people outside are hearing these wretching, gagging and gurgling sounds.

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Can you name a famous doctor? Put the line in the coconut and drink it all up.......can you hear me say DOCTOR!! My doctor was singing that right before he performed my hernia surgury. I came out 100% He should of been famous.

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Have you ever seen a vending machine that sold condoms? Yes.........He came to my house and stuck his leg in my door and seemed to have an attitude when I told him that I don't use condoms. Then all of a sudden some pist-off girl scouts started to bang on the machine with a tire-iron because there was some cookies next to the condoms.

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When you go through a bodyscan at the airport do you find yourself automatically holding your breath? Only when the male attendent is holding his wand with those dreamy eyes..........................

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Do German women love American accents? No, German women love french accents...........

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You know you are thinking too hard when . . . ? You were on your way to the grocery store and found yourself in New York City........................

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Why is Math so boring? Is it because I'm not doing it right? What if I'm getting high marks? And it's still boring? I imagine we will be seeing you at MIT as a janitor, sneaking around and doing the problems. It's funny how you can do those difficult equations but you are able to miss the shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit underneath the toilet seat. GOT ANY CARMELS?

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What should I see and do in Brussels, Belgium? You should go see the sprouts.......I hear they are really good.

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Has anyone ever used stand-by for international flights? How does it work? Is it safe? yes, my fiance stands by a guy at the bar and hopes to get a free drink while waiting for her flight...............

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What do you think about the guys that answer your question and it seems as if they didn't read it? You see........I have this incredible itch......rectal itching really is the worst.

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Whats a word to describe someone who has gone crazy? NEWMAN!

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Can you still be silly ?do you think its fun to be silly some time/or you hate people being silly. I'm silly when I go to the bathroom. I sit down on the toilet and there is a window right in front of me. I lower the window and make squawking noises like a parrot.

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Who want's to go to Red Lobster with me??? im buying They have a special glass to put your beer in and I think it actually works because the beer was really good. They also have the best desert. An oven baked cookie with ice cream on it. OH YES!

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Why can't you be more like _______________ ? That person who needs more cowbell....................

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Why are there men with man-boobs and women with hard faces and fat tummies? My dad had man boobs and I guess they kept flapping in my mom's face when fornicating (my therapist said I had blocked out those sounds for years) (kind of like the sounds in the movie - the fourth kind) Anyway, after a few years of man boob flapping my moms face started becoming really hard. So my parents were known as Boob man and Elephant lady. She did have a nice tummie though.

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Night clubs are for _______ men like me with speedos and black socks......

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I love my plants. Is it ok to give them milk or lemonade sometimes instead of just plain water? Be careful..........mine was lactose intolerant.

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I recently found Cialis in trunk of my husbands car twice. Some had been used, he states he gives it to his friends. I know my husband Only you know the dynamics of your relationship with your husband. Did you have any reason not to trust him even if the Cialis was out of the picture? If your husband is out alot without you..............you should trust your instincts.

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Why is it that annoying people can't tell that you can't stand them? Certainly I'm not the first person to find their presence tiring? This makes me think about my fiance's daughter. Her behavior is extremely odd. When I'm around or try to talk to her she does this irritating giggle. When we go places as a family she walks directly behind me. This isn't her having fun. She's been doing this for 2 years. She's extremely bright and intelligent but this 17 year old has no social skills what so ever. When I confront her she...

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Is it normal for somebody give another person a shaking head love chokehold when introducing them to other people? It's normal for Hulk Hogan who was recently diagnosed with Alzheimers...............

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Can I bring a laptop on an airplane? I've asked the stewardness many times for a laptop dance but so far no luck.

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What is something that brings back memories? Usually people who starts sentences with WAT!!!!

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The title is: "Bush and Obama on a raft". What is the joke ? The joke is that they are on a raft coming to the United States from Cuba and Obama was talking about the Cuban missle crisis while Bush asked him if he could talk like Tony Montana.

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Is the violent weather in the U.S. mainly caused by motor vehicle emissions? no.........mainly my violent taco bell infested flatulence.

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Arnold schwarzenegger is ___________and I__________him! a little girly man.................'m here to pump (him) up!

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Have you ever seen anyone trip for no apparent reason? Nope, but I have seen someone scratch their crotch for no apparent reason.

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Do you really learn anything from movies? I've learned that Anthony Hopkins will work forever. I do believe we will see Hannibal Lector in a nursing home mumbling something about what wine goes with fava beans.

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What's the best way to keep your shoes smelling fresh? Change your socks. Every now and then. You want them new, like mine.

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Have your feet ever become so dry and cracked that they ripped your bed sheet to shreds? You have bigger problems...............you must of pissed off Freddy Kruegar's brother.

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will a black angus cow harm a human No........because the cow liked it when the idiot thought he was supposed to use his mouth to milk it.

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do cats own pizza Yes and only the ones with anchovies......................

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Whats your favorite pickup line? The funnier the better This drink isn't going to drink itself.............................

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What color do you get when you mix brown glaze&orange paint? The same color I get after eating at Taco Bell.

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Who is your favorite extra in a movie or tv show? Jim Carrey in "Living Color" when his name was James Carrey.

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When I am camping how do I keep ants from crawling into my ***? Make sure your penus is showing...........it resembles an anteater

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Fill in: I don't know when ___________. I should take a shower (smells armpit)

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Why am I so enormously awesome? At first I thought I read eroniously.

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Do you have a "Yen" for Japanese currency....hehe ? Yes...so I can buy my YENtil soup.........NO SOUP FOR YOU!

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Is farting funny? Especially when you are eating Tacquido's. They go in one end and explode out the other.

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Do you believe in Vampire? No.......I'm sure there's more than one out there.

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Where can I buy a jar of Wasps cooked in their own buisness? They were cooked in their own..............Bizzness............yeah, thats it.

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You find a dvd/tape with a label stating "Do Not Watch Me" ,,,still,,,you pop it in and..... It has to be a tape because DVDs weren't made yet. I would see if there was anything else on the tape. Most likely Bill Clinton was playing his saxophone in the nude to Monica Lewinkski to prove that he DIDNT have sexual relations with that woman.

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Why does Paris Hilton think an almond is a meal? Because Almonds remind her of testicles.....................

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Guys: If a girl at your gym is attracted to you and wanted to strike up a conversation what should she say? Have you ever been in a gym before?

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Would installing a large human size hamster wheel in a gym be a good idea? Yes and It would be nice if I could shit clean, organized looking pellets...........

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how much would you say happiness is worth? Happiness is worth a clear concious and a dictionary to spell it...................

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If 30% of taco bells food is real meat what is the other 70% Have you ever noticed..... there aren't as many cats digging in the dumpsters behind Taco Bell?

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Have you ever had sex with your dad? Did you enjoy it? No..........and my mom reminds me every day the sacrifices she had to make for my existance.

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Husband keeps accusing me of having an affair, because I won't have sex with him, what do I do? Sounds exactly like the ex-husband of my gf. I hope you realize that what he's doing is......................Unexceptable behavior................He is taking away some of your basic freedoms and a judge would have a field day with that if you ever wanted to pursue a divorce. NO ONE should have to live under those conditions. My gf did for over 20 years and finally got away from him. PLEASE...

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Malawi to ban FARTING in Public? How would they prove it? Extract DNA? It would be hard to catch me.............lots of SBDs

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Wanna dance with me? Do I have to wear shoes? easier to do the moonwalk..............and I kinda dress like lady GAGA.........

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My girlfriend was using an old boyfriend as a f*ck buddy days before I met her. She wants to keep him as a "friend". Should I be worried? I'm worried that she has'nt mastered the definition of..............TMI!

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If your kid says they want a Shih Tzu, should you wash their mouth out with soap? You only wash their mouths if they breeded a Bulldog with the Shih Tzu................

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how do i make this girl that is soo laid back and acts all cool, to make her soo horny that she wants me to come out? need help! You are willing to come out of the closet for this girl?

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What animal most closely reminds you of your EX? If it was Obamas........it would be a Racoon...I thought it was an owl but it's more like a Racoon.

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A fielder touching first drops a thrown ball then gets full control of the ball but the ball is still touching the ground. Is it an out? It depends on...............who's on first?

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What is something you want people to know about you as soon as possible when you are getting to know them? Just because I have a third nipple........doesn't make it ok for you to suck on it.

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Do you know whenever you apply for credit or an application is made on your behalf, your credit rating goes down? Experian 888-397-3742 Just mentioning here on AB made your credit score go down 17 points............

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I am a Landlord in Maryland. I have a clause in the lease that allows me to 30 day lease termination without cause clause. Is this legal? So you're telling me you have a clause that states you can release Santa Claus without cause? Don't you do that to him.....you bastard!

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Did you have a good Valentines; what did you get? I did, but if my gf say's Valentimes one more time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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What is the best comeback to say to someone who tells you that you are mentally slow? Your breath smells like Shiiiiite...........must be the diarrhea spewing out of it.

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Does your family have any traditions they observe when a new baby is born? I dress up as a wise man and bring gifts..........unfortunately for the baby, they are from the dollar section from Target.

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Should every day be teacher's rack(or package) appreciation day? You just put a smile on Mary K. Letourneau's face..............

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Was it a good design decision to put testicles outside a man's body? Lets just be glad that they were'nt designed to go on your chin................

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Should they rename Jordan Michael Jordan, and Pakistan Shaqistan? Absolutely............As long as they rename Montana.............Joe Montana

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When is your birthday, what do you do for your b-day I'd like one of those orange cones so that I could be a conehead. I could then put it to my mouf and wake you up............Get your ass up! I did'nt provide a birthday because I don't want to wait for my orange cone.

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Briefly describe the lifestyle of the Creeks prior to the early 18th Century. In the early 18th Century, the fish used to swim upstream but that changed because the Greeks would'nt stop pissing in the water..........

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Do you think if I write a letter to the president or a congressman that they will answer? You'd be better off writing Charles Manson............He's got alot of time on his hands and maybe you could practice drawing a swastika on your forehead.

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What causes people to wake up from their sleep? (Besides noise) One time I was having this nightmare that I was in the abyss of this deep dark cave, I then woke up about an inch away from my gfs mouth wide open and sounding quite like Darth Vader...........

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Aaaah, I just died in your arms tonight. It must've been something you said.... What did you just say? oh.........I said "I hope she leaves her Cutting Crew CD to me in her Will".

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if you girlfriend is starting to critisize you day and night and she aks you to be funny and cocky, what might this mean? It means that you scheduled an appearance at the local comedy club for 8pm and you want her to come see you.....................then don't show up.

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I have been dating this guy for about 2 and half months. Our comunication has reduced. what should I do? Show up to his work.............................naked

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Graph a line through (3,7) with a slope of -2. Then write an equation for the line. Like Dana Carvey impersonating George Bush Sr..................Not gonna do it!

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Do you think that people who dig through trash for treasures are low class? I'm not worried about my stature........I'll do anything for a half eaten twinkie.

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Who will win this Super Bowl XLV? Sorry.......Not into bowling

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why is it summer in Australia when its winter in most parts of the globe? because you have to use this opportunity to THROW ANOTHER SHRIMP ON THE BARBY!!!!!

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What is the single most important decision that you have made in your lifetime? Wearing pants that are longer......I improved my self esteem ten fold by not wearing hi-waters and corduory pants anymore.

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Will you ALWAYS love your first love or still care about them ? I'm sure my first love doesn't care much for me. While having a fight, she asked why did I tell her that I loved her and I said...........I just wanted to make you feel good..........true story

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Have you ever had or been involved with blind rage? NO.............in fact.....just last night I had an experience of sight rage. It is pure hell to try and remove double A sized batteries from a DirectTV remote control. I had to use a butter knife to remove them.

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What does it mean when you break a wish bone and both break evenly? Means you have to cook another turkey. The over-rated turkey. The meat sucks. Why don't you cook a chicken instead............

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How far would you be willing to move for love? From the couch to the bedroom.....................

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Is there any logic in the idea that dinosaurs were just pets for human beings that were much taller than those of today? You just brightened Michael Vicks day...........................

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Did you ever go to a 'Sock Hop'? lol Seriously I tried but they wanted me to change my socks............I change for NO ONE!

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Name a souvenir you might buy at a rock concert ? Breast mug at a Dolly Pardon concert...............

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What is a PRN? A job application is asking if I want full-time, part-time or PRN Pretty ridiculous nurse................

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What do you believe will happen on Feb 10, 2011? I'll realize this is the eve of 3 birthdays that will need to be celebrated in the next 10 days. Lots of cake will be consumed in these 10 days.

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am i wrong for being a upset that my husband just gave his teenage girl $1400 to go furniture shopping for her room at his ex's home? I tend to think that the responsibility for obtaining furniture would be the Ex,s since it's her house. So I can see your point. I would'nt be happy furnishing somebody elses home with my money.

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To think outside the box don't you have to go in a direction contra to the crowd? Don't you have to blaze your trail on your own alone? I would go to Taco Bell first.........................

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Illusion is illusive...delusion is delusive. The conclusive conclusion is that the reclusive should embrace reclusion, right? No.... because the brown recluse spider will bite the shit out of you.....................

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I'm a 15 year old female wanting to lose weight & belly fat to feel better about myself. What should I do? You have to be willing to make a lifestyle change. (not diets) Cut down on foods that you know are bad for you. Limit sugar intake. ETC. For example, start drinking plenty of milk or water instead of juices and sodas. It's not so much WHAT you eat, it's also the amount. I use to drink 2 (2) liters of soda a day, I now drink only half a glass of soda a day. The rest is water or...

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How are golf or nascar sports? IT would be interesting to combine these sports. Have a golfer stand on top of a stock car and try to tee off going about 190 mph...........

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Why do i take so long to eat? Because like me.........you like to eat your peas..............one at a time.........and every now and then like me............................you'll insert one in your nose to see what the kids will say.........

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If cycling is so much fun why do cyclists all look miserable? You try sitting on that shoe horn of a seat...................

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Today's date is 1 / 11 / 11 how cool is that ? and what about 9/11/11........after all this time.......nothing has been built at ground zero...........what a shame.

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Will you be watching American Idol this year 2011 ? Yes and I'll be wearing a black short sleeve V neck in tribute to Simon. I will not be sporting his whatever kind of hairdo that was..............

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I want to fuck my dog but he is old and I don't think he will if i put his head near my pussy. Does anyone know a dog that I can use? You don't need another dog............I mailed him some Viagra...........I hope the sex isn't RUFF!

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Theists: Do you think if Jesus comes back he is gonna want to see so many crosses? no.........He's gonna want to see the play "Jesus Christ Superstar" and he's gonna tell everyone just who in the hell he is.

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For seed packets, if the expiration date is past will they still be able to grow? You should try to plant the seeds, not the packet, no matter what the expiration date is...........

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i cant remember the name of this one song that bob marley sing and so does maxi priest. Maxi Priest did a rendition of "Waiting in vain" (if thats the name of the song) with Lee Ritenour which I think is a Bob Marley song.

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I have a unique situation on how to get over my wife cheating. More inside. The swinging is scary. It leads to intimacy which increases the liklyhood of developing feelings.............Hope you work things out.

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Do you immediately throw out the phone book when they drop it on your door? No......I immediately try to rip it in half with pure brute strength but it's fruitless with these 3 and half inch pythons. I got to start working on these babies.

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Do you have anything to confess to the group here about your 'activities' this past weekend? Humour appreciated. yes...........do you all think that's really Mountain Dew you're drinking?

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I just took French Fries out of my freezer to bake and...... realized why this refrigerator was so cheap........This used to be Jeffrey Dahmers freezer and this doesn't look like a french fry.

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Who wants Ellen underwear? Do they go with these socks?

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I knew I had made a mistake in my choice of chiropractor when __________________ When my right foot when flying through the uprights when attempting a field goal.

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I have bought my girlfriend a neckless with a heart on it and I want to put a romantic saying on it and I don't know what to put or say. Oh baby, I can't ryhme like Slim Shady, but I love you this much, well-maybe.

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What is your favorite song and why? It's Elton John's "Your Song" but I keep telling him it isn't mine it's his. He wrote it. But Elton said that he wrote it for his fans. So I told him to stop trying to convince me it's my song when it's Your Song. You English Bastard....................

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my metabalism is fast i weigh 127 how can i gain about 15 pounds in 2 to 3 months? No ones metabalism is faster than mine. I can't get through half of my five dollar footlong without the scary bathroom syndrome.

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How do i make my boyfriend miss me and realize what he di was wrong? He makes me feel like its always my fault but i love him still oh Jessa, why does this feel like a one-way relationship to me? One day, you may get this idea in your head and realize.............I deserve better.

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What are you doing right now?....(I'm drinking coffee whilst listening to some Black Sabbath). Trimming nose hairs and hoping one did'nt fly into my coffee................

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Can you show me, or tell me, what is your favorite rock song? Still loving You.........best metal rock ballad for sure.........Scorpions

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I took my dog out and shot him because he bit me. Was this an overreaction? This is Mike Vick: What a perfectly good waste of a dog.......

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How many showers/baths do you take in a single day? Whats a shower?

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wife swap, who else wants to see someone slap a bitch? I'm down for some bitch slappin, but why swap? I'd very much like to slap my own......

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Is there a monster under your bed or in your wardrobe? Not under the bed but there is a monster located in my pants...................

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Would you like to see Sarah Palin and Dick Cheney go hunting together and accidentally shoot each other? What would be more interesting is if they had sex. I would assume that all living creatures within a 10 mile radius would become extinct.

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Yo wat up my answer bag fags.i got a question 4 ya bustas i got dis shawty and im feenin for some sloppy top from dis mean dime how i smash? (drops da greazy spoon while in da crib) you aint got to push for da sloppy top, just smash and grab....fo shizzle

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What kind of rocks are fossils mostly found on? old rocks......................

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What do you suppose Agnes had done in the hospital and why? Aunt Agnes may not want to brag about being able to swing her legs behind her head. There have been a dramatic increase in viagra perscriptions and requests for new teeth at this very same nursing home.................

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I have-just now-finished my annual vodka fiesta after drinking at least 1,5 liter. Am I appreciated for a while drunkard or anything else? You are appreciated for coining the term: Annual Vodka Fiesta.........I have now entered it on my 2012 calender in January so that I may look forward to this bitchin occasion.

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Are Indians born with that dot on their head? Yes, they are born with this dot located right below their belly button. As they get older it does this miraculous movement where it ends up on their forehead as they enter adulthood.............

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Should I get my tongue pierced if I play sports, like basketball and softball? Also will you be able to talk after its pierced? Yes..........even sport broadcasters are getting the piercings. Part of Marv Alberts goth style.

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What does h stand for on the periodic table? Hotsauce......you should try it in your oodles of noodles while studying.

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When you ask someone a question like 'what's the time' and you get a response like 'time to accept jesus!'... I just rub my WWJD bracelet and prey for a good answer...............

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how many times can you go pee befor you explode? just throwing that out there..... It wasn't peeing that made me explode it was Pina Coloda's and skittles...........

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Who took my taco?! Not me........(Taco shoved halfway down his belt)

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PLEASE HELP: IS THIS A HEART ATTACK? shortness of breath CRUSHING feeling on chest, and slow heart beat? It's my symptoms everytime I see Jennifer Annistan................

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What does it mean if you get a fortune cookie, and there's no fortune inside? (this actually happened last night) ;( You should be worried more about why you haven't seen the resturants dog in awhile............................

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Does the amount of time spent asleep come off your total life? Yes............whatever that is eminating from my gfs mouth when she is sleeping I'm sure is drastically reducing my total life span.

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Oh no! __________ is coming! Smack it! Flip it! rub it down!

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What service did Annie Lennox perform to receive honors from the Queen? I think she was required to shave the Queens head and paint it orange.........I swore I could hear the Queen singing "These dreams are made of these".

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do male pageant winner ever cover their face with their hands upon winning? When I won the Home Depot's biggest tool pageant I also covered my face but forgot about the hammer I was holding.......................I don't remember too much else.

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How much weight do you think you have gained over the holidays now that they are over?(estimate) After having this virus, I was able to lose 5 lbs in 2 days................love this virus diet.

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Do you think there are more stars in the universe or more drops of water in the Earth's oceans? You'd have a better chance of comparing the men that Paris Hilton has slept with.

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What is the boiling point of brain? I have Hannibal on the line here: "Hello Clarice?" Hey idiot! this is Valkyriemortica! Hannibal: Have you killed that neurotic Hitler yet?..........I'd be glad to help in any way I can. Per pro Quo.

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what are the mafia codes of conduct If you're eating spaghetti and meatballs and a meatball hits the ground...............a contract will be put out on you.

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Is it safe if I have oral contact with my own anal insertions, such as sucking a dildo that was in my anus? Yes.....I usually take my anal probe and stir my Ice Tea and get the added bonus of making my tea taste kind of nutty.

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so i think hes gnna drop the bomb?? Just make sure he has'nt ate at Taco Bell...............................

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OK, now's your chance! Can you tell me how talented you are? (please keep it PG!) I can _________________ better than anyone else!!! was my socks better than anyone else.......................................

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Is it possible to move a spirit from one body to anouther? If so how? I don't know but I can sure come close my moving a bowel.................

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What happened in 1947 in Roswell near Area 51? A bunch of homely and desperate scientists had sex with some unfortunate aliens.

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under what circumstances or situations do you contact the police? When I'm down to me last pair of underwear..............

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What is a funny reply to say to someone who says they "don't have to drink to have a good time"? "Really? You think thats Kool-aid I've been giving you all night?..........

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I give you my secret package. Will you try not to open my package please? I will be right back. I think I'll pass...........It's scary when a guy wants me to fiddle with his package.

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HAHA!!! Canada just beat the pants off the Czechs in ice hockey!! What do you think of THAT?? I think you need to get that pink thing off THAT DOG NOW!

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$$$ it be worth if a housewife was to be paid to compensate her for maintaining a house for 23 years of marriage raising 3 children? Then I need to be paid for impregnating her..........you have no idea what kind of work that is............schedules and waking up at all odd hours of the night.........I'm ovulating...............and I'm trying to watch football here!

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Why does ___________ keep staring at me? It's getting creepy. Why does your one eyed monster keep staring at you? Maybe because your pet is being neglected.................

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What's your favorite free-time activity? It's right after I take a shower.........I look at that person in the mirror and I'm always compelled to say "You are the sh.t", "You are the reason why people want to live"..........."If you were only a woman, I'd kiss ya" Smooch..........so I kiss him anyway.

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What do you like to put on/in popcorn if anything? I like to drown my popcorn in butter........so that I can feel my arteries harden on the spot. Thats why I always bring a difibralator.......it's called the popcorn difibralator.........

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Why....??? Because you said your feet were hurting so I cut your 6 inch heel down to 3 inches..............ENJOY!

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How long did God sit around before he planned the universe? Even God takes a break to watch football....................

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How long did God sit around before he planned the universe? Even God takes a break to watch football....................

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Do you have resentments against wealthier than you people? why? Only the ones who worked for AIG taking bonuses after we the American taxpayer bailed their sorry ass's out......while other people lost everything they had.

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I encountered an intruder in my house the other night & I shot him in the face,how do I dispose of a dead bearded fat man and his reindeer? I hope you took out that reindeer with that annoying red nose................

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I seem to have lost my laptop. Will someone please email me if they find it? Hehe! Good news.........I have it........It's in the car.........but It seems I've lost my car in the parking lot.

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What was the last thing you got jealous about? My daughter got more sprinkles on her ice cream than I did...........................

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I was married in AZ, I'm legally separated and currently residing in CA. Can I date a woman in CA without legal consequences? Be careful..........legally separated means you're still married. seeing someone outside of the marriage regardless could still mean adultery. Talk to a professional...............

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Carry on my _________, there'll be ________ when you are _________. Lay your ________ to _______, don't you ___________. Don't forget the NO! at the end followed by the cool guitar riff.................No! de ni ni ni ni ni....dirr dirr dirr dirr..........dirr

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How would you feel if someone tried to break your stride and slow you down, oh no? I guess I'd just have to ...............Keep on moving.............oh yeah!

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How do i get my sister-in-law to put her dog away when we visit? Try and do exactly what the dog does....................smell and sniff around it's butt and lick its balls.

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Have you ever had a screaming match with your kids? How old were they? How did you feel afterward? Yes, while she was still in the womb I used her mothers belly as a coaster for my drink. She kicked and spilled the drink.....................I wasn't pleased........

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Ok i own a reg tv not hd and just bought netflix how can i watch movies with out wii or xbox 360 and with out buying more stuff? I have Netflix and still just do DVDs. You have alot of options but almost all of them require the internet. I have a friend who has a TIVO which can stream Netflix and I don't think it requires an internet connection. But you do have to subscribe to TIVO. My problem is that I have Direct TV (No internet connection) and I'm very limited in what devices I can use with Direct TV.

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When did you first find out that you’d be a parent? Right after I found out I wasn't the biological father..........................

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What is something that you have believed or believed in for a long time and will continue to believe or believe in all your life? There is no corruption in politics and our finanical system....................

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Where do you store tea and sugar at home? Not next to the pot and cocaine..................

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Do you have any favourite/funny/cute stories about your kids? I was having a conversation with my daughter about why she opened almost all of her presents (last year)1 week before Christmas. She responded by saying she doesn't think she can control her body.............If presents are there than she has to open them.

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Who has been the biggest influence on your life? What lessons did they teach you? It's Sponge Bob Square Pants because it's fun to watch my daughter laugh :)

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Does anybody remember when you could go to a midget tossing contest, and they let you smoke? I'm so jeolous of them.......they get to do all the fun stuff.

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Could spinach be used in making cigarettes? You just put a smile on Popeyes face.........

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who is you favorite commedian? The late great Mitch Hedberg........followed by Chris Rock, Crazy Jim Carrey and OH! Robert Smeigel is tied with MH. (writer from snl)

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what causes stains on bed linen after washing a disgusting bf who's to lazy to go to the bathroom.......

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If a Grizzly Bear attacks me and I kill it, do I still get in trouble? If you kill a grizzly bear than you should cut it's paw off and walk around like Freddy Kreuger..........the cops will probably let you go.

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How do elves get older? Do they stop at a certain age? No, Elvis would be about 72 years old today.............

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How would things be different if Doctor Who appeared during the crucifiction and saved Jesus Would'nt of mattered....after seeing the bill, Jesus would of killed him and would of been put to death anyway.

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What do you think of a 27 year old man who plays with lego? Are you saying he's only playing with one lego? please someone give him some more lego's!

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I'm 150 years old! Any objection? Your socks better not be that old or we gonna have a problem...............

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How can I trust my boyfriend around girls and become more confident? What you're feeling is normal.............and it's hard to deal with. It's how you respond that can have dire consequences. I think the best thing to do is to continue to talk to your BF about your feelings so you both can have an understanding. Even when he's talking to other women, it's ok unless he's stepping out of bounds. If he show's inapproprate behavior then you have a right to...

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am 6 weeks pregnant,and am getting really bad tooth acne? Try rubbing some accutane on it.....................

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Why is it that every man must CURSE? (F***, B****, S***, ect.) You forgot one............... C***Sucker

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Is there a cheap auto insurance? Yes........Your parents auto insurance

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Does spending a lot of time in books sometimes only make for an educated idiot? You will find that most of your eccentric educated idiots also have no common sense................

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Does one use glue to wrap the Christmas presents? Nope...........just for the toupet on my head or the roll of toilet paper.......

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what should i do if my dads way of wakeing me up in the morning is useing a spray bottle?OR A CUP OF WATER? Hide the garden hose in bed with you.......

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All my finals are now over, what should I do to celebrate? Paint yourself green and insert yourself into your Christmas tree.........you can now spy on people.

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My boyfriend wants to get married after we have a kid but idk if im ready. How do I tell him im not ready to get married without hurtin him? I think that at times in our lives...........we need to be more selfish........imagine yourself an unhappy married woman..............because you did'nt want to hurt his feelings............

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When people sneeze, we say "bless you." Should we say the same when people pass gas? No........more like............can you push that intestine back in?

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WHY DO GUYS LIKE BIG ASSES?? Smack it. flip it, rub it down OH NO!

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Do only humans carry their past around their necks? I only carry Lil Waynes teeth.................

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Is a cleavage an essential part of a Christmas party outfit for you? If you see cleavage on me.........You will tell me..............right?

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It wasn't a pretty sight when I saw ______________. G-travels breasts dragging on the ground.........................

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Get up in the middle of the night to help a friend whose car broke down? Or call him a towing service and pay him a cab? Hopefully it's also Friday the 13th so I could put on my Michael Myers mask......

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who else loves night time like i do? I'm not exactly out in the night but I do work evening shift and get home about 12 midnight. I won't go to bed until about 4 so I do consider myself a night-owl. :)

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My son is angry with me over something real stupid!I was upset over his wifes rudeness to me and told him about it. I am old school and don't do well with rude or disrespectful people which includes family. I have a six year old daughter and have yet to pierce her ears. I honestly can't say that I would think of inviting her grandparents to this. I would make it just the immediate family. I think what I would of done in this situation was knowing that you're upset, I would of invited you to be the first...

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What's your goal in the life and did you achieved it? To reach the height bar so that I can ride that rollercoaster...........................

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I'm Giving You For Xmas $500 in Casino Chips & $100 in Slot Machine Tokens,What are you Gonna Do with It? These items won't benefit me here in Prison but I could use some magazines or a nice shank.....................

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What are somethings a fruit cake can be used for? It can also be used for next years...............fruit cake ;)

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I've heard orgasms are good for a person's health. Is this true? Yes because my screams have been so loud that ambulances have been dispatched...............

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If you and your wife are watching a tv together is that spending time with to gather? It is if we are watching a meaningul love story...............because then we get to talk about our feelings and we all know how we LOVE to do that........

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Can you please tell me if I'm attractive? Yes but that giant.........ZIT......on your forehead is distracting.

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IM 14 and is having sex with a 27 year old should i stop.... i already have a baby she is 1! But what should i do?? what took you so long? I had my first at 7...............I was able to change diapers in between the Scooby Doo cartoons.

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What's Errol Flynn got that you haven't got? Wishing that he could of been in "The Pirates of the Caribbean" and wishing he had Johnny Depps looks...........and his talent

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If you heard that a neighbor was having sex with her dog, would you still say hi to her at the market? Yes and tell her things sounded kind of RUFF at her house..............

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should i get another tattoo or a pericing? Yes.......put an eye on your forehead and pretend you're a cyclops.

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What does it mean if parents said sister you need to learn how to save some money when you got your own house I won't be here forever? It means why are they calling me sister if I'm their child...............

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Are you concerned with the depth of things ? yes and preferrably BEFORE you dive off the diving board.................

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Which motivational speaker do you look up to the most? Why? Chris Farley........who lived in a van, down by the river

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When was the last time you went skiing ? about twenty years ago when the instructor told me to go down the small bunny slope where I proceded to wipe out o whole class of beginners....... The sounds of the kids shrieking and crying is still hard to get out of my mind.

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