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by Annoyed1 on August 12th, 2011

Annoyed1

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Who is in the wrong? My husband or me?

I have been married for 13 years we have two kids and overall have always been happy. But the past few years he has been totally ignoring me for an online game. He spends 95% of his at home time playing his game. We get in countless arguments over it. He stays up to all hours of the night voice chatting with the people he plays with and it annoys me,especially when it is a female he is up til 3am talking with. Now I know there is nothing sexual going on but the fact that he would rather spend his time talking to them instead of with me bothers me to no end. Then if I confront him he gets all pissed starts yelling at me to just cancel his game and he wont go on it anymore if all I want to do is complain and accuse him of things(which I didn't accuse him of anything). We have canceled it in the past but then he is miserable and in turn makes me miserable so I am damned if I do and damned if I don't Am I wrong for wanting more from our marriage then just occasional conversations that probably total up to an hour tops a day? or is he wrong for making me feel like a jerk for getting pissed and wanting more attention?

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Answers. 3 helpful answers below.

  • by Anonymous on August 14th, 2011

    Anonymous

    No, I don't think you're wrong to want more. I would give him a break if he only plays for a couple of hours per night, but it sounds like he's gone far beyond that. How is your relationship otherwise? Is there a chance he's using the game as a form of escapism from problems in his life or your marriage? His comment about being accused of things is a big red flag. Why would he be so defensive, unless this isn't a completely innocent hobby?

    I would try talking to him again when both of you are more calm. Let him know that it's all right for him to have hobbies that he enjoys, but when he plays the game all night every night, then that cuts into your family time. He needs to spend some time with you and your children.

    Know that you're not alone. When my SO isn't playing computer games, he's attentive, but he'll go through these periods in which he'll play the games for several hours each day, and it's nearly impossible to get his attention. I try not to bother him when he's playing, but sometimes I need to talk him for maybe a minute about a practical question, and I might as well be talking to the man in the moon. I don't know why I bother, really. *Le sigh*

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  • by kento37 on August 18th, 2011
    voted: Am I right?

    kento37

    If he is playing computer games on the internet that shows he's bored with the marriage. Doesn't know what to do. If one can't create the marriage and do things as a family the relationship leads to fighting. It's not good for the relationship or the kids. Him being pissed off at you is only an excuse for him not to create the marriage. It's not what you wanted, right.

    Sit down with him and explain your feelings. Tell him a marriage is a two-way create and if he doesn't want to help create this marriage you'll do it alone and he can go his way. If he makes excuses, don't accept them. They are only justifiers for his not wanting to help create a marriage, and tell him so. Don't make him wrong and don't accuse him of anything, just explain your feelings. I always ask this about relationships, "what did you contribute to the mess to make it the way it became." If both can honestly answer it, to what they did, without accusing the other, then there can be hope. A marriage is like any other dynamic it has to be created. Otherwise it fails. You see he creates the video game, that's his interest right now. That's his excitement. There's a second person to play with him at it, and that brings added excitement, interest. What you two need is bring that to the marriage in different ways that keep him and you interested. If you can't do that the marriage ends up as another statistic.
    Divorce. If divorce comes don't block the kids from seeing their father, that is wrong in itself.
    The kids will soon find out who creates a relationship fast enough and want to be with that person more. Do things with your kids. Do the things they want and like. That way they will see who has interest in them. Doing things together shows interest in the other. Wasn't it that way when the two of you started out together, showing interest in each other by doing things together. There is no game, show or otherwise more important than ones spouse and kids. One must create the relationship.

    There is a fact about relationships, if you don't create it, one accuses the other of something wrong. The basic behind it is, when one accuses the other of what is wrong, that person did a no no, he or she doesn't want the other to know about something they did. The excuses or justifiers show it. One can ask this question, "what did you do that you are not telling me." Ask it until you get an answer. In your situation it may be as simple as I'm bored and don't know what to do. But get some answer. The answer will bring the truth to the problem. And most of all don't offer or supply the answer. He has to bring it forward himself. The answer will tell you what to do.

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  • by ladyshakespeare on August 15th, 2011

    ladyshakespeare

    You said that you "confront" him about this. Did you know that confrontation and fight mean the same thing? my first piece of advice is to talk with him about it; dont confront him. Try like this "hey honey, can you pause the game so we can talk?" Then follow up with how YOU are feeling. dont tell him how he feels. "I feel like you are absent from our life together, and I'm having a hard time getting through on my own." Stay calm!
    My husbands counselor suggested that he put time limits on his internet use each day. Suggest this approach, but let him regulate himself. Gamers are gamers, and he isn't gonna give that up (and he shouldn't have to.) But a mature adult should be able to prioritize their responsibilites from their entertainment.

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