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by tear10 on March 7th, 2011

tear10

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I have found out my boyfriend of 10 yrs has cheated on me (twice with the same girl. He is desperately sorry. I don't know what to do.

After being told a rumour about my partner and a girl a vaguely know I confronted him. At first he lied and said it was untrue but eventually he admitted it. My first reaction was take he had broken the trust between us and so had ruined everything we had. That we were over and there was no going back. I am crushed and sickened by what he has done. I was a massive shock to me (and all the other people that now know). I was (and am) devastated by his betrayal but I can't seem to let go.
I had decided to move out but when it came to it I couldn't. I have asked him to leave for a while but he is stalling and I actually don't mind. I am comforted by him. I love him. He can't tell me enough how much he loves me, how ashamed he is and how much he regrets what he has done. Now I can't tell if I am letting myself slip back into our relationship because I am scared of being on my own or there is a way of making it work.
I think I could forgive him but I don't know how I could ever forget. I think about what he did all the time. I've asked him so many questions but none of the answers help. He can't tell me why he did it or, more to the point, how he could do it to me. I do also think about them together. I make myself feel sick I get so wound up. The only thing that can make me in any way feel better is a hug from him.
I can't see my friends and family ever accepting him again. They feel let down too! I haven't even admitted to them that I am having thoughts about trying again. It's still very new and raw. I am struggling to know what to do next. Do we need to split up to know whether or not we should be together? Can you ever forget?

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Answers. 5 helpful answers below.

  • by tamm on April 8th, 2011
    voted: Split for good

    tamm

    Heres what I think about cheaters. Their only sorry because they got caught. A working relationship has its issues but you discuss them thats how you work on them or solve them. When someone has a problem with you they cheat that doesn't help it only creates more problems. Its not about the two of you its involving bringing someone into the troubled relationship. If thats a solution to a problem in a relationship theres no relationship.

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  • by Randy D on March 13th, 2011

    Randy D

    I stopped reading after "my boyfriend of 10 years."

    News-flash I: the "relationship" isn't important to him.
    News-flash II: he's no longer into you.
    News-flash III: he's apologizes and wants to continue with you because it's become comfortable, you're both used to it and used to each other, not because he loves you. Love doesn't cheat. Cheating isn't love.

    DUMP him!

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  • by kagemusha on March 8th, 2011
    voted: Split for good

    kagemusha

    Obviously it's your life not mine, but as an unbiased, detatched third party, I say you (don't wait for him to do it) need to leave for good. You can forgive him from your mother's house, and it is unlikely you will ever forget. Of course he is stalling, he probably really likes you (maybe he even really thinks he loves you) but if he loved you he would not cheat, or do anything else that would hurt you so deeply. Once a cheater always a cheater. There is a saying 'the first time you hit your women one of two things happen, she runs away as fast as she can or she becomes yours forever'. I believe this is often true of any type of abuse, including cheating. If you stay you are giving him a green light to cheat on you forever. He says he is so sorry and ashamed, bur really is sorry and ashamed that he got caught. Was he moping around hanging his head in shame before you found out? You say it is comforting to be around him, well of course it is, change tends to be uncomfortable. Sacrifice your comfort to have a better future. That's my two cents. Good luck.

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  • by courtneyxx8 on March 7th, 2011
    voted: Split for good

    courtneyxx8

    First of all, he lied to you. I think that's the biggest betrayal.
    I highly doubt that you will ever forget. When he goes out alone, you'll wonder where he is. When he gets a call, you're gunna think it could be her on the other line.
    Maybe you can fix it and be happy. Personally, I think you could be even happier with someone else.

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  • by donrodrigo on March 7th, 2011

    donrodrigo

    You need to discover the real reason why he did this and you should not go about it by asking him. Most of the time the truth (if he were to tell you) would break your heart or upset you greatly. Most men cheat because they are sexually bored in their relationship, want to have a go at another girl, too wimpy to tell you this and presented with the opportunity to cheat. These factors taken in their totality will often cause a man to stray. Now, he knows that but could you take him saying something like: "Look, I like you a lot dear, but this girl has a much better body than you, was super fun and cool and into my shit and sleeping with you is getting a bit stale." This would hurt I would think and he realizes this too so he is banking on riding this thing out until it is nearly forgotten.

    My advice would be to pose some of the reasons above and try to be nonchalant about it and also think about your relationship and be honest with yourself. Have you been having less sex lately, is he watching more porn than usual? Are you into him more than he is into you?

    Hope this helps even if just a bit.

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