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by Anonymous on September 7th, 2005

Anonymous

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How can I improve my self-confidence and self-esteem?

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  • by HasntBeen on February 22nd, 2009

    HasntBeen

    Don't try. That only reinforces your belief that you're "missing something" (otherwise, why would you put in so much effort?)

    Instead, learn to connect with people. This is very much a skill that's learnable, and as you get better at it, you'll be less likely to get tangled up in all those internal conversations about what other people think of you -- the stuff that turns you into a broomstick-in-the-corner at social opportunities.

    So what does it mean to "connect" with others? It means to be present. It means to see them as distinct and unique individuals, to get your attention OFF of yourself and ON to them. You can practice this anywhere -- in fact, you don't even need another person's presence (although it surely helps).

    Whenever you are close to someone, even the cashier at the store, LOOK carefully at them. Notice exactly how they have their hair, what they're wearing, how their nose bends just slightly to the left, what their mood is like, what they're paying attention to... get as many details noticed as you can. Don't DO anything with this information, just notice it. Be aware of it. SEE them in real time -- here and now.

    This person is absolutely unique in the entire history of mankind, and they have never lived this moment before. It's all completely real, completely here-and-now, and completely unique. That's what's going on in every moment of our lives: a novel moment, a unique situation.

    All you have to do is be able to maintain that steady awareness, that steady attention to present details. You don't need to think about what you should say, or what they think of you, or how to talk to them. If you are present, the "what to do" takes care of itself. On the other hand, if you aren't paying attention to them as they are, you're most likely tangled up in your head thinking about what they think of you and whether or not you're being confident and why can't you get rid of these concerns and yayayada oh my god it's all so tedious!!

    So I said you don't even need another person to do this, and that's true. Anything will do to practice being present: notice details on your computer screen, listen to the dog barking... what exactly does it sound like? If you get good at being present, all sorts of things will start to shift in subtle ways. You get out of your head and into your life. And that's all confidence really is: being fully engaged with what's going on.

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